The single most challenging aspect of life is coping with abandonment. Usually in the form of divorce, abandonment leaves us reeling in a state of crisis. Although impossible to avoid, there are several ways that we can cope with the initial impact. Names have been changed to protect anonymity.
When Rebecca first sought help she was in a state of shock. Within a matter of hours her life had been turned upside down. Everything that her life had been had changed almost over night and suddenly everything seemed unreal and strange. Her fairy tale 2 year marriage had fallen apart as a result of her husband unexpectedly leaving for another person.
She was unable to concentrate at work and was on unpaid sick leave, she had been prescribed medication from her doctor and was drifting through the subsequent days as though everything was unreal. She often forgot to eat, she started to drink heavily and had little if any support. It was with help from her mother that she eventually got the right sort of help and began putting her life back together.
Although everybody reacts differently to being abandoned Rebecca's story is certainly not unusual. If you are trying to cope with a similar type of experience you may find these ideas useful.
Firstly, it's important to recognize that some people simply react worse to abandonment than others. It's not a sign of weakness or stupidity, or the way you were brought up but simply a product of a certain personality type.
Here is a list of other personality traits that are associated with the same personality type. Can you identify any of these in your personality:
- Patterns of turbulent and intense relationships.
- Instability and uncertainty especially around self image and sense of self( eg. who am I, how do I fit in).
- Impulsive in areas that maybe self damaging such as dangerous driving, sex, spending, alcohol or drug abuse or binge eating.
- Mood swings; intense irritability, anger/ hostility, boredom or anxiety.
- Feelings of emptiness.
- Stress related paranoid thinking (I feel like I'm going crazy and can't cope).
If you recognize some of these other personality traits in yourself you may have a personality type that is particularly prone to coping badly with abandonment; even developing an irrational fear of it.
The good news is that it's possible to take control of your personality rather than your personality controlling you; a small but important difference. Once we are able to see our personality type clearer we can learn better to cope with ourselves. This kind of learning usually takes place over a lifetime. It's often seen as the wisdom that comes with old age. In reality, what has happened is that we know ourselves better. The older we get the easier it is to look back and identify patterns in our behavior.
The other good news is that this whole process can be accelerated. We don't have to wait till we're old to turn things around. By finding ways through sophisticated personality profiling to see our personality clearer we can begin to take control of ourselves and our lives, at any age.
Whether we react badly to being abandoned or not it's also important to keep track of what we are saying to ourselves about being abandoned. It's tempting to use phrases like, "I can't cope" or "I'll never get through it" which become a self fulfilling prophesy.
The eminent psychologist Daryl Bem formed an impactful theory called Self Perception Theory which forms a link between what we say, what we believe and what actually happens. Basically, he would argue that what we say about ourselves informs our beliefs and our beliefs inform reality. So therefore if we say "I can't cope", we won't be able to, not because we can't but because we are learning that we can't.
Although it might feel like you can't cope it will be helpful to change what you are saying about yourself, just slightly. Instead of saying "I can't cope" it will be more beneficial if you change it to something like; "although it feels like I can't cope I know that if I hang on things will change and I will be able to get through this".
By changing what we say about ourselves changes our reality. This is a fundamental point in dealing with abandonment. By altering this important self talk we begin, slowly but surely, to change reality. And that is the end result of all therapeutic approaches.
Alex invites you to have a look at how real people are making incredible changes in their lives, overcoming divorce, separation and all forms of life difficulties http://thelifechangepeople.com/read-my-story/153-elizabeths-story
Read about a simple step by step approach for dealing with types of crisis http://thelifechangepeople.com/news-and-reviews/news/96-beating-mid-life-crisis
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