How Is Alimony Decided?

If you are getting a divorce, one of the main questions on your mind may be whether you will receive or have to pay alimony. The only way to know for sure is to hire a divorce lawyer who can help you work out the details to get the best deal for you. However, it is good to find out the possible issues you may need to resolve before settling the matter.

Length of Marriage and Alimony

If you are not sure whether alimony will come into play during your divorce, know that longer marriages usually involve this kind of spousal support, though some shorter marriages also warrant alimony. Your divorce lawyer should be able to let you know how likely it is that alimony will be involved in your case.

Once it is decided that you will pay or receive spousal support, you may wonder how long it will continue. This varies from one case to another since it depends on the circumstances. Alimony is usually only paid until the recipient remarries or is cohabiting with a new partner. However, if the recipient never remarries, alimony usually has to be paid for the lifetime of the paying spouse.

Amount of Alimony

The amount of alimony depends on many factors. In most cases, the income of both spouses will be taken into consideration. If one spouse is making a lot more money than the other, he or she will likely have to pay alimony so that the two incomes are nearly equal. The bills of each person will usually also be considered, in addition to other factors of the case.

Other Details That Factor In

If you are unsure if you will receive or need to pay alimony, realize that some couples are more likely to have to include spousal support than others. For example, if you have children, which required one spouse to stay home and care for them instead of going to school or working, the other spouse will likely need to pay both alimony and child support. Similarly, if one spouse cannot work much or at all due to a physical or mental health problem, the other spouse will probably have to pay alimony.

In general, alimony is usually determined after figuring out the earning capacity of each spouse. If one person is likely to make much more money than the other, alimony will probably be considered. This is especially the case if the marriage kept one spouse from making more money, perhaps due to frequent moves for the other spouse's job, or other circumstances that caused a hardship.

Whether you are worried about having to pay alimony, or hope to get it from your former spouse, you will likely need the help of a lawyer to get the results you desire. Otherwise, you might end up with less money than you can comfortably live on.

Brian D. Perskin & Associates PC is a full service matrimonial law firm that handles family law and divorce cases. When you need help with equitable distribution, which includes pensions, real estate, business evaluations, enhanced earnings, child custody, maintenance, alimony/child support, prenuptial agreements, domestic violence, and other serious legal matters, we can get results. Contact us at http://www.newyorkdivorceattorney.com/ so you can benefit from our team of family law professionals.

Original article

5 Ways to Make Divorce Easier on Kids

As parents go through the process of divorce, it is often the children who suffer the most. They are the ones that see the fighting and instability before the divorce, and go through the toughest transition after the divorce when moving between two households on a weekly or monthly basis. Given how difficult this can be for a young child, you must do everything you can as parents to make sure that their transition goes as smoothly as possible.

Here we will explore 5 simple ways that you can make the divorce easier for your child to handle:

Put it in perspective -- Your child may feel alone and uncomfortable with his or her parents being divorced. If you point out a couple of families that have gone through divorce, even celebrities that they may know, they are more likely to empathize with their situation.
Maintain communication with your ex -- the worst thing that you can do after a divorce is stop talking to your ex-spouse. You both have a responsibility to your child to work together on important issues as maturely as possible. Don't in any circumstance give messages to your child to deliver when they visit the other parent. This is not their job and this signifies a severe lack of communication that is necessary when you have children. If you don't want talk on the phone, the least you can do is exchange e-mails.
Keep the rules consistent -- this naturally follows the communication issue, and it's important that both parents try to run their households similarly when the child is present. It is much easier for a kid to go between houses if they follow the same routine, so discuss ground rules with your ex-husband or wife.
Don't exclude family members on either side -- kids have different relationships with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, so it's best to make sure they still spend time with all family members. They may want to talk about the divorce with someone besides mom and dad, and any type of communication is good for them to talk through their issues and fears.
Remove all jealousy -- after a divorce there are several things that could make a parent jealous. Maybe it's your child showing preference towards your ex, or the fact that they have a new boyfriend/girlfriend. You may want to interrogate your child to find out details when they were visiting the other parent. In almost every case, exhibiting this jealousy is a bad idea, particularly if you do it in front of your kid. Respect your child's privacy as well as their feelings, and let them know that they can talk to you about anything - but do not press them in any way.

Divorces can be difficult for everyone involved, but if you communicate well and devise a strategy for moving forward you can lessen the traumatic impact on your kids. It's not always easy and there will surely be problems to handle along the way, but as parents it is your obligation.

If you are having issues with your divorce proceedings and need the services of a licensed private investigator, contact Magnum Investigations today for a free consultation.

Original article

Surviving A Divorce For Men - 3 Helpful Tips

Every day can be a struggle for anyone going through a divorce. Surviving a divorce for men can be exceptionally challenging. emotionally, we are restricted by society from being able to share our hurt. Financially, we can be held responsible for a substantial amount of debt. I had difficulty finding support when I went through my divorce 4 years ago, so I was left to figure out things myself.

In those four years, a pattern of thought developed that was counter productive to my recovery. Negative thoughts would flood my head, making it almost impossible to effectively function for that day. Through the years, these three tips have helped me through the moments when life felt unfulfilling and pointless.

Breathing

It is important to develop strong breathing techniques that can assist you through some stressful and anxious times. Breathing may seem to be elementary, but it bears to mention that something so simple can so easily be overlooked. I'm currently teaching my 10 year old son what I do to help him through anxiety. When I feel stressed or have anxiety, I take a moment to relax myself and remember to breath. It only takes a few minutes and is similar to what you may do for meditation. Meditation is another excellent possibility to explore, but for now, I want to just look at getting through the moment.

Close your eyes. Now take a deep, inhaling breath through your nose. I generally will count to eight because that's how long it takes me for a full breath, but you can count to any number at any rate of speed, as long as it is comfortable for you. The idea of counting is to take your mind off of stressful thoughts and to help clear your head.

Now exhale through the mouth, counting as you let the breath out. repeat the process, in through the nose, out through the mouth, counting and relaxing.

It Is What It Is

Accepting things for the way they are can seem unrealistic and easier said then done right now, but this is a critical step towards surviving a divorce for men. This can be a powerful concept and is vital for the healing to truly continue. There are just some things in the world that you can't do anything about. Many of us feel a need to either fix something or spend way to much time thinking about and over analyzing an issues, we never act on them. There is a wonderful feeling that accompanies the ability to let it go. It can feel as if a weight has been lifted off you and you may have a regenerated sense of being. It sounds simple, but simply saying "it is what it is" can have a profound affect on your actions in life.

Just remember there is nothing you can do about the things that have happened and dwelling on them will get you nowhere. I have found myself plenty of times wishing things had happened differently. Wishing does nothing but disappoint you. What has happened, has happened. If you want a different outcome, learn from your mistakes but take the proper steps now. That is what you can control. Now.

There is a natural flow to the process, so if you can't feel full acceptance now, try not to stress about it. Breathe. It will come.

Benefits Of Hobbies

Getting through the gloomy days can sometimes feel paralyzing. There are going to be gloomy days, and if you are anything like me, lots of em'. Days you just can't seem to shake the negativity out of. I needed something I could do to take my mind off the things that would worry me and occupy my time unnecessarily. A hobby can be something, anything, YOU want to do. It is an excellent opportunity to explore ideas and passions that you may have never considered. You can look at being separated or going through a divorce as a chance to utilize the personal time now available to you. I used my time to learn guitar and always look forward to the time I get to play.

Life moves fast and things change quickly. Find the best way for you to find happiness within yourself, but don't rush things. Look for the positives you have now and exploit them to your advantage.

There are many things you can do for help getting through a divorce. Remember to think about yourself and what you enjoy. It's your time, so be selfish.
The best way to make things better is to act now.

Or visit my blog

Original article

Making Military Parenting Plans Work For Active Duty Parents

Working out child custody is hard enough without adding the challenges of one or both parents serving in the armed forces. Custody complications can arise when circumstances related to your military career arise, such as a temporary transfer, mobilization or even deployment. Learn the ins and outs of preparing a military parenting plan to protect your parenting rights and provide for your children's needs.

Military Duty and Child Custody

Most states uphold custody laws that say if one parent is voluntarily absent from the children's lives and does not complete visitations, that parent's custody rights can be changed. When you are serving in the armed forces, technically fulfilling your job duties left you open to legal action concerning custody. For example, if you had custody of your children but then were deployed for an extended period of time, the other parent could possibly file for permanent custody.

There were several high-profile cases in the last decade where deployed parents returned home to find that they had been stripped of custody and that the family courts were reluctant to restore custody because of their absence. While these men and women were preserving the interests of their country, they were losing their children.

Because service member parents have a limited ability to travel in certain circumstances, plus the high cost of travel from some areas of the world where they may be stationed, it is difficult for every deployed parent to engage in custody hearings. It wasn't unusual for divorced military parents to lose custody of their children and spend lots of money trying to regain it.

Helpful Laws Protect Military Parents

The U.S. government, as well as several states, recognized the unfairness of these actions, especially when deployment or other mandatory service was being counted against parents in custody issues. Today, such parents are protected by laws that restrict legal actions at certain times against those serving in the armed forces, including custody hearings.

Service member parents are allowed to have expedited custody hearings that take place before they leave, if possible. They can also deliver testimony via phone or other electronic means. Family courts cannot take permanent custody action taken against them while they are away for certain types of service. The away parents should still retain decision-making abilities where reasonable, and can even designate visitation time with extended family members.

Now, military parents can generally receive the custody levels they enjoyed before deployment within 10 days of their return from duty. No hearings are necessary for this action. While the other parent can try to take action, the family court cannot hold your deployment against you in determining custody.

Delegating Time While Deployed

Deployed parents can designate some of their unused visitation time with a third party, usually grandparents or other close relatives. The current laws don't allow the other parent to restrict or overrule the away parent's wishes when it comes to delegating that time. As long as the third-party member is approved by the court, this delegation will be allowed for as long as the military parent is deployed.

The family courts recognized the service member's right to have a voice in who the children interact with, just as if he or she were home. Many deployed parents feel that this is a big improvement to staying in contact with their children. Often, the other parent may not make the effort to help the children communicate with the away parent. The service member's family can preserve those bonds by including the children in family activities, making contact with the military parent and providing emotional support while they are away.

Military Parenting Plans

It's important to create a parenting plan that takes service member parents into consideration, especially in the event of a deployment or transfer. You and the other parent can create a basic parenting plan for when you are nearby, then create a temporary parenting plan that is in effect while you are away.

Getting a temporary custody in place before you leave is typical of most divorced military parents. You will likely be able to receive expedited custody hearings in order to put your affairs together. If you and the other parent have a sample plan already made up, you can present it to the family court for approval. This temporary parenting plan will end once you return, according to the law.

Conclusion

Children deserve to have a loving, healthy relationship with both parents. Today's military parents face fewer risks of losing your custody privileges after they return. After many years of struggling to keep or regain custody of their children after deployment, military parents are now covered under protective laws that preserve their parent-child relationships.

Custody X Change software features parenting plan templates that you can customize to meet the needs of your military family. This award-winning software also includes guidelines for creating a military custody schedule that outlines visitation times. You can print out the custody calendar or upload it to your mobile devices for easy access. Custody X Change is a valuable tool in creating a military parenting plan for your children after you divorce.

Original article

Why Divorce Is So Unfair for Children

Children love their parents equally and whatever the reasons for a husband and wife to want to end their marriage and go their separate ways, it can not be forgotten how this will impact and affect the children.

Children are hardly ever to blame for a marriage failing. And often they are the innocent victims who lives are completely changed because their parents have decided to split up.

If a marriage is ending because a one of the couple has been unfaithful, the children had no part in this and yet are expected to take sides and willingly accept that their parents will no longer be living together and that the family unit has broken up. Add to this the unimaginable thought of the children having to live with one parent and seeing the other parent on alternate weekends, and you can see how this would badly affect most children especially those who are very small and don't understand what is going on around them.

Many parents fail to appreciate and understand that their children continue to be affected by this family breakup for many years to come.

Sometimes the effects of divorce on children are not evident until these children grow up and then find they have problems when forming their own relationships. Perhaps they feel they cannot trust or rely on their partner to stay with them and fear that their relationship will end up the same way that their parents' relationship did.

Whilst the husband and wife have adapted to being separate, and possibly might have met other partners as time goes on, children still cling on to the hope that their parents might one day get back together again.

They don't want to see a stranger in their father's place or another woman with their father. These things can be disruptive especially for young minds and can cause resentment and loathing in children towards the parent who has wronged as well as to the new partners of both parents.

Studies also show that the effects of divorce on young children tend to lead to lower marks at school, mood swings and disruption in the lives of those children whose parents had divorced.

Sometimes, there is not other solution but to get a divorce. This is very true of cases where there is emotional or physical abuse or an addiction to alcohol or drugs. An environment such as this is detrimental to the well being of anyone and especially children. In these situations, divorce is often necessary is the abuser will not seek help in order to overcome his or her problems.

In other cases though, such as a couple starting to drift apart, or having an affair - whilst these things are not right, they can be corrected and divorce does not always have to be the only solution.

The effects of divorce on children can be devastating and have a profound effect in later years. If you want to know how to save a marriage from divorce because you know that this will be a better outcome for everyone in the end, then visit http://www.affairtherapy.com/ where we offer information and tips on marriage and dealing with affairs.

Original article

Living Together Before Marriage Can Be the Cause of Divorce

Getting divorced is one of the least thing people want to have in a marriage life unless you didn't married for love. There are different reasons people end up divorce. Sometimes the reasons can be noticed easily, but sometimes the real cause of divorce doesn't flow on the surface of water.

Living together before marriage is one of the real causes people usually don't think about when they getting divorce. They tend to look for other factors such as lack of intimacy, affair, sexless...etc.

In nowadays, young people are more likely to live together before getting married, because they believe that living together before marrying will give each other a chance to know and see if they can get alone well. This belief is well spread and has a strong influence to young people. However, study has proved this belief doesn't back up the divorce rate.

Why living together can be the cause of divorce? Couples who have been living together for a long time are already living in a potential "marriage" life. They got almost everything they will get from a marriage. What else will make them take that piece of paper seriously?

My friend John and Kate lived together for 3 years before they got married. When they got married they didn't feel like they were newly weds. They didn't have that excitement for their marriage and a new start of their life. To them, it's like nothing was different except they had more responsibilities to carry on. They got divorced after a year and half. They were both heartbroken, because they never thought their marriage would end up divorce. Kate went to a counselor after divorce, the counselor told her that one of the causes were they had been living together for a long time and suggested not to do so with her next partner.

Kate took that advice and did so with her second husband. They had been known each other for about two years but started to live together only a month before their wedding. They are still married and living happily. I couldn't explain it further than what I did in this article, but the statistics have already proved living together before marriage can be the cause of divorce.

I didn't mean people should not to know each other well before getting married. You have to think about it carefully. Don't move together because everyone else is doing so. Another thing for young people to move together soon they become couple is sex. Sex is great but it shouldn't be the only reason to move together. You can still have sex without living together. Honestly, once a while staying over night at each others' place can make sex even greater.

Anyway, nothing is definite. Living together before marriage just has the potential to be the cause of divorce. You still can choose to move together, but if you do it after engaged or will marry soon after you will have bigger chances to prevent divorce.

Check out more information about how to save a relationship on Anthony's personal blog. Also check out his new The Magic Of Making Up Review.

Original article

Anger and the Divorced Parent

Divorce is frequently a disruptive and unsettling experience. Even couples who have agreed that breaking up is the best option for all concerned still find themselves surprised at the level of emotion that surfaces at times throughout the process. When children are involved the situation can become even more fraught. Either parent can find themselves feeling angry, exasperated and distressed at times.

Let's look at ways to cope with anger at being a divorced parent:

- Even the most amicable of divorces can cause both parties to feel distressed. There may be anger at the enforced changes, frustration at having to start again, distress at feeling let down and betrayed, annoyance at the part they played in the breakdown of their marriage. One way to support the children at this time is to present a united front and tell them about the divorce together. It helps introduce domestic changes in a more positive way and avoids one parent being perceived in a negative or unfortunate light. The changes are then seen as a joint decision which helps children to better understand what is happening.

- Children are sensitive to atmosphere and may fear that they played some part in the divorce. They may feel that they were naughty, caused their parents to argue, were responsible for stressful situations at home. It is best to contain anger towards your ex in front of the children. Reassure them that they are not to blame, both parents love them and will remain in their lives. Provide an opportunity for children to ask questions and talk about their feelings with either or both parents whenever they feel the need.

- Access can be a problem area. The mother is usually granted custodial responsibility. Organizing access for the father can be a headache, especially as children get older. They often have interests and commitments of their own that need to be accommodated. Arranging access visits for a father who may be seen as undeserving can be annoying, especially if he is inflexible or the children are reluctant to sacrifice their other interests. Both parents can end up having angry exchanges over how the children choose to spend their time. Or an angry parent may decide to make access difficult for the non-custodial parent. She may feel that he doesn't deserve to see the children, is a bad parent, a distressing influence. It is important to remember that the issues that precipitated the divorce are rarely anything to do with the children. They usually still need both parents in their lives.

- Behaviour after divorce can be an issue whilst the children readjust. It is useful for both parents to agree ground rules from the outset, about bed time, discipline, treats, food, though it is not always possible. Agreeing to share information can ease their children's transition to the new arrangements; their timetable, requirements for school, homework, sports kit, after school activities. Anger can sometimes mean it's tempting to make things difficult, especially at first. Being vengeful often ends up hurting the children. Working together to establish new routines helps them to settle.

- Children may return home from an access visit laden with expensive gifts or unsettled after having eaten differently than normal, over-tired from lack of sleep, over-excited or moody. Agreeing in advance a balanced approach can provide consistency between their regular home life and their intermittent time with father. But a father may regard his time with the children as an opportunity to compensate them for his limited presence in their lives, a time to show that he's fun and still a significant part of their lives. Anger can occur when the mother feels that she's being increasingly portrayed as dull or a killjoy.

- Grandparents may be seen as taking sides but, with a little tact and consideration, they can provide a neutral, familiar ground for children to feel safe and maybe see their estranged parent. Children are often aware of their parents hurt and anger. There may be things that they want to say or ask, but don't for fear of appearing disloyal or causing additional distress. A grandparent may be ideally placed to provide wise, calm support, answers to questions and the reassurance that a child often needs at this time.

- Money can be a difficult subject with the custodial parent usually having less money than the non-custodial parent. The custodial parent, usually the mother, may be struggling to pay bills, be unable to work in her original career, have little access to childcare and feel angry and frustrated by her situation. She may see her ex as living a fun, bachelor life with little responsibility, an amazing social life and limited interest in his children. Conversely, he may feel depressed at leaving his home and family, be living in an impersonal apartment, with little desire to return home each night after work.

Parents need to remember that their children are the innocent participants in their divorce. They may have valid reasons to be angry with each other but being mindful to put those reasons to one side when they are considering the welfare of their children allows for the impact of their divorce to be kept to a minimum.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works to help individuals come to terms with the breakdown of their relationships, heal negative patterns of thinking and behaviour, reconcile to what has happened, and consequently improve their self-esteem and confidence. She also helps couples in crisis to improve their communications and understanding, whatever the eventual outcome.

Further help, advice and articles on this and associated subjects are available.

For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net/

Original article

From Endings to Beginnings

For most people, spring brings to mind sprouting plants, rain showers and new beginnings. And yet, despite the season, most people going through divorce find it hard at times to think of beginning anything new when what was -their marriage- is ending.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the things that just won't be any more -growing old together, taking that dreamed of second (or maybe first) honeymoon. It is sad that those things won't be. And yet, your life will go on. You will be joyful and happy again -even if it doesn't quite seem like it right now.

What do you say to the idea of starting to think and dream of things to say "hello" to? I hope I heard you say "YES!"

One of the things I know about any relationship and especially marriage is that you make compromises along the way. Maybe your former spouse snores like a freight train and in order to get any kind of sleep at night you've worn ear plugs to bed for the last 20 years! Or maybe your former spouse had food allergies and was allergic to garlic. So you haven't eaten garlic bread or ordered pizza for the last 5 years. (Yes, I do know someone who was in a relationship with someone allergic to garlic. No, it wasn't me.)

I'm guessing there are certain compromises you've made during your marriage - things that you simply won't have to do anymore. Am I right? Well, these are exactly the things that you can now say "hello" to now.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Make a list of the compromises you made during your marriage. Put it all down. Did you give up a favorite hobby? Did you change what you ate? Did you change how you spoke?

Decide what you want to invite back into your life. Take a good look at your list. What on the list do you want to start doing again? What on your list do you want to start having again?

Write a "hello" letter. Using that list of things you want to invite back into your life, write a letter to yourself about all the things you're going to invite back into your life. This is your "hello" or new beginnings letter.

Pick one. Which thing that you're saying "hello" to are you ready to do or have right now? Make sure it's something that you'll enjoy now and feel good about in the long term. Then, just go after it!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? Please do! However, this material is copyright. Just include the following information with the article and we'll all be happy:

Karen Finn, Ph.D. is the creator of The Functional Divorce Coaching Program and http://www.functionaldivorce.com/. She works with people in all phases of divorce who struggle with moving on and who want to find the direction they need to take their lives so they can be confident and happy again. Visit http://www.functionaldivorce.com/ to learn more about Karen's work and to register to receive her newsletter. Karen Finn, Ph.D. owns the copyright to this article and reserves all rights to it.

Original article

Why Family Oriented Conservatives Divorce More Often Than Liberals

A friend of my wife called to invite my wife for a wedding shower. I picked up the phone Was I surprised? No, not so much. But when I was passing the news to my wife I remembered that their older daughter was married already less than a year ago. She was 20. "She is already divorced"- noted my wife. Now I was surprised. I thought that those religious family oriented conservatives stick together. Was I wrong? Since I am a type that likes to make my own opinions I went on to look at the statistics. I was always intrigued by overall high divorce rate in the USA but I never looked at why it is so.

Here are the facts:
• Divorce among conservative religious couples is significantly higher than among non-believers.
• Divorce in the northeastern states (where liberals live) is much lower than elsewhere.
• The divorce amount young people in twenties happens 4-5 times higher than for those in thirties.

Who wants to marry when one is 20? Some do! Or do they? The weddings and divorce of the daughters of our friends explain a lot. They are southern religious conservatives. They are very nice people deeply devoted to their creed. They are friendly, educated middle class family. Their children are very gifted and study well. And their daughters are very good looking and inexperienced.

When young liberals reach the age of adulthood and they have the urge to merge - they simply do. After pre-honeymoon of living together they either part or formalize their relationship to go on the honeymoon. Not so for the young people from conservative families. Young religious conservatives need a 'license' to sleep together. That is a tradition. But romantic kisses under starlight and walk on the beach is not the same as living together every day. They do not even know that one of them snores! What else they do not know about each other? They marry to have sex legally and to change a partner they have to divorce and marry again. That practice certainly keeps priests and lawyers happy. But does it make sense? People test drive cars before we buy, we try on cloth and shoes before we buy. Why do some people still marry in reverse order? Beats me!

Since homosexual couples are still fighting for their right to be legally married in many states we do not have statistics on divorce amount them. But I am willing to bet that it will be lower than amount heterosexuals. First of all they do not have to marry. They do not have social pressure. If they choose to marry they are likely to stay together as they probably do already live together. To bad they don't make children... But neither do many heterosexual couples.

About the author.
Pavel Agafonov is a social commentator, freelance writer and entrepreneur. He divides his time between Europe and South America with occasional stop in Miami Fl.

Original article

How To Handle Your Marriage Break Up - It Can Be Overwhelming

If you are dealing with a marriage break up you may be feeling overwhelmed. There is a lot to think about and it can be difficult to know where to start. If you are confused about what is going on then take some time to slow down and sort it all out without being too emotional about it.

We all believe that our marriages will last forever, so when things start to go bad it can be scary and confusing. The life you had planned suddenly comes to a standstill and you're not sure where your life will take you now. There are now emotional and financial issues that must be overcome and you feel helpless.

Your hope may be to work things out and get your marriage going again. This is possible as many couples are able to sit down and discuss their issues without fighting. If the two of you fight every time you try to discuss your marriage perhaps a marriage counselor or mediator would help.

If you are a member of a church your pastor may be of great help. They would be more committed to helping because of the churches firm belief in marriage.

If you think your marriage is beyond repair then you must accept the fact and start working on your future. You need to get your finances and assets together and think about a divorce lawyer. You may need to think about selling your home and dividing the proceeds between the two of you. Your bank accounts will have to be split as will the loans.

Even your appliances and furniture and anything else the two of you own together will have to be divided up. If you are sure a divorce is in your future don't delay these things so you can move on with your life. The longer you delay the harder it may be.

If you have children this may be the most difficult part of a divorce. You must make sure they understand they are not the cause of the divorce and do try to make your spouse out as the bad guy to them. This will be very stressful for them and keep their interests first.

Negotiate fair custody and visitation rights so the children are not alienated from the parents. If you can work out these details between the two of you instead of going to court it would be best. Divorces are not easy but with proper planning you can get through it and move on with your life.

If you are at a turning point in your marriage you should check out this relationship site, sign up for the FREE alternative to marriage counseling report.

Original article

A Quick and Simple Way to Dump Divorce Depression

Introduction:

It's rare that someone sees their divorce as a success. Most people see divorce as a failure - their personal failure. The very sad fact is that it's not unusual for someone to interpret the failure of their marriage as their failure in life. This couldn't be further from the truth!

As an individual, you deserve to be successful, to feel confident and be happy again. Although none of that will happen until you choose to believe that you deserve to be successful, confident and happy again.

Where you are now:

One of the first things I explore with each and every one of my clients is their belief in themselves. Let me ask you the same question I ask them. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most wonderful sense of self-confidence and 1 representing a level of self confidence that's on par with where earthworms live, what's your level of self-confidence?

Most people going through divorce report numbers below 8, sometimes well below 8. If that's the case for you, relax, you're not alone.

Here's the story of one of my former clients that I'll bet you can relate to:

Anna (this isn't her real name) has a great sense of adventure and is always ready to try new things. Her sense of adventure allows her to feel lots of excitement for almost any new project. Although something happened when she got divorced. Instead of her usual optimism, she felt adrift and uncertain.

When we first started working together, she would enthusiastically start working on new goals and projects, but for some reason she just couldn't keep her excitement up long enough to achieve any of them. Instead of feeling excited, she would start thinking about how hard the goal would be to achieve or that now really wasn't the best time to start working on this particular project. Of course, then she would start to feel bad about herself. Her lack of self-confidence was causing her to get bogged down and not achieve her goals of creating a wonderful new life for herself after her divorce. She was sabotaging herself.

Our work together showed that the root cause was a lack of self-esteem and belief in her right to have a good life again, so I created a custom program for her designed to increase her confidence. She was diligent in working the program and boy did it pay off!

Even though she still has moments of doubt that creep up once in a while, she is now pursuing her dreams and enjoying her full life again. And when the occasional doubt creeps in, she simply reviews her program and gives her confidence a boost. This boost allows her to sustain her sense of adventure and excitement while she continues pursuing her goals.

Are you curious to know more about Anna's program and if it would work for you?

Let me give you an exercise to start you on your way to a higher level of self-confidence.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Start by making a list of 10 things you like about yourself. If you find it difficult to come up with 10 things, ask someone close to you to tell you some things they like about you and put these things on your list.

After you've got your 10 things, read your list out loud to yourself with positive emotion. Now, to get the best results, read your list out loud to yourself when you first get up in the morning, and just before you go to sleep at night. When you read your list in the morning, you're setting up how you want to feel about yourself for the entire day. When you read your list before going to sleep, you're setting up your subconscious to focus on what's wonderful about you.

The more consistently you do this, the better you'll feel about yourself. And before you know it, your self-esteem will regularly be at an 8 or better.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE?

Please do! However, this material is copyrighted and must appear in its entirety- including the copyright. Just include the following information with the article and we'll all be happy:

Karen Finn, PhD. is the creator of The Functional Divorce Coaching Program and http://www.functionaldivorce.com/. She works with people in all phases of divorce who struggle with moving on and who want to find the direction they need to take their lives so they can be confident and happy again. Visit http://www.functionaldivorce.com/ to learn more about Karen's work and to register to receive her newsletter. Karen Finn, PhD owns the copyright to this article and reserves all rights to it.

Original article

Key Marriage and Divorce Terms Explained

For couples entering into marriage as well those coming out the other side, emotions run high for contrasting reasons, however it is always worth getting to grips with a few key legal concepts to make the transitions smoother.

Mediated & Collaborative Divorces

A particularly expanding side of divorce law and procedure is the area of mediated and collaborative divorces. These processes aim to ensure that conflict and hostility are removed from divorce (for the sake of the individuals involved and their families) and that the parties concerned work together as much as possible to achieve an outcome that suits each as far as possible. The techniques both use open channels of communication between the parties to minimise misunderstandings and promote co-operation.

Collaborative divorce processes involve the parties sitting around a table together (figuratively or literally) with representative lawyers, neutral financial experts and all relevant information in an attempt to find agreement without the need for a court hearing. If a resolution is not found and the case goes to court, neither can the discussions that occur during the process be used in court or the lawyers involved go on to represent either of the parties.

Mediated divorce is similar to collaborative divorce but occurs during a court hearing. It employs an impartial lawyer as a facilitator who acts as a go-between throughout the hearing to ensure that there is an open channel of communication and that negotiations have structure and feasible goals.

Pre-Nuptial Agreement (Prenup)

Otherwise known as an antenuptial or premarital agreement, a prenup is an increasingly popular agreement sought by couples entering into marriage to ensure a pre-agreed and smooth division of their assets in case of divorce. These 'contracts' are used traditionally in Jewish and Islamic law and are legally recognised in some continental European countries where they can be binding regardless of events leading to the divorce. In the US, however, they are not legally binding although they can be taken into account as an indication of each party's intent as they entered into the marriage; whilst in the UK, prenups have only very recently been acknowledged as having a (limited) potential to influence divorce outcomes in certain circumstances.

Annulment

In contrast to a divorce, which is the dissolution of a valid marriage, an annulment is the ruling that a marriage is null and void. In other words the marriage was never legally valid in the first place (void ad initio) and so can be considered to have never existed as a valid legal state at all.

Annulments can be sought and granted if either party in a marriage was not in possession of all relevant information and free will when consenting to the marriage, or was not legally entitled to marry. Reasons can include duress, insanity or deception at the point of consent, as well as polygamy (the taking of multiple spouses) by either party or the individuals being closely related. Despite the fact that annulment renders a marriage invalid for its duration, children born in a marriage which is subsequently annulled can still be deemed as legitimate, depending on the jurisdiction involved (as is the case for the example in US).

Historically, annulments were commonplace under the Catholic Church where a valid marriage is a contract for life and so the only way for a marriage to be dissolved is to determine that it was never valid in the first place. This leads to the interesting contradiction that Henry VIII didn't technically have six wives as is common wisdom. As three marriages were annulled he can be said, in legal sense, to have only had three.

© Stuart Mitchell 2012

I'm a small business owner. If you want to find out more about the advice available to you through divorce visit family law solicitors southampton.

Original article

Procedure of Divorce Mediation and Its Pros and Cons

According to the survey held in New York, it was found that out of 14 million children, around 27% those who are under 18 years of age are spending their life only with one parent and around 4.5 million of them are living with their biological parent or with step parent. This leads to clear output that 70 percent marriages end with the divorce.

There is no two way that problem of disruption is rising day by day but the question arises that how to reduce this problem by taking the help of Divorce Mediators.

To solve this problem we can start up by establishing small mediation centers in the country and can make efforts. This will not only help to understand the process of mediation but also help to understand the impact of this on the lives of the people.

It has also been researched that there are total six types of divorces which leads to marital breakups namely, legal, emotional, community, psychic and co-parent. Today, mediation has become very common and most of the people are taking help of the New York Mediators in order to solve their disputes and this attempt has improves the life quality of many families and also saves many marital relationships. If a couple is not getting the efficient result it means that they are lacking in the ample amount of information which they should consider while taking a divorce. They should discuss that whether there is any easy and better way of their settlement or not. And if find the solution they should also consider that which type of settlement will be better for them. A divorcing couple must consider it in a progressive and constructive manner.

With the increase in the day by day growing family disputes, divorce is also becoming very common and to come out of their problem they search for the effective way. The term "Divorce Mediation" has got the place in the family law since 25 years and it explains a couple that it's just a paper work of ending a relation but everything in a marriage doesn't end easily. So, it's better to consider a good mediator which helps to give a chance to a couple to start their life again from beginning.

Mediation is also known by many people with the name of "alternative dispute resolution" and it is a procedure where a third person helps two parties to solve their disputes with mutual understandings and small negotiation.

It has been suggested that before deciding to live a separate life with your spouse it is better to go to the best divorce mediation service and consult the divorce mediators who will help you to give a chance to your life.

Original article

Coping With Abandonment

The single most challenging aspect of life is coping with abandonment. Usually in the form of divorce, abandonment leaves us reeling in a state of crisis. Although impossible to avoid, there are several ways that we can cope with the initial impact. Names have been changed to protect anonymity.

When Rebecca first sought help she was in a state of shock. Within a matter of hours her life had been turned upside down. Everything that her life had been had changed almost over night and suddenly everything seemed unreal and strange. Her fairy tale 2 year marriage had fallen apart as a result of her husband unexpectedly leaving for another person.

She was unable to concentrate at work and was on unpaid sick leave, she had been prescribed medication from her doctor and was drifting through the subsequent days as though everything was unreal. She often forgot to eat, she started to drink heavily and had little if any support. It was with help from her mother that she eventually got the right sort of help and began putting her life back together.

Although everybody reacts differently to being abandoned Rebecca's story is certainly not unusual. If you are trying to cope with a similar type of experience you may find these ideas useful.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that some people simply react worse to abandonment than others. It's not a sign of weakness or stupidity, or the way you were brought up but simply a product of a certain personality type.

Here is a list of other personality traits that are associated with the same personality type. Can you identify any of these in your personality:

- Patterns of turbulent and intense relationships.

- Instability and uncertainty especially around self image and sense of self( eg. who am I, how do I fit in).

- Impulsive in areas that maybe self damaging such as dangerous driving, sex, spending, alcohol or drug abuse or binge eating.

- Mood swings; intense irritability, anger/ hostility, boredom or anxiety.

- Feelings of emptiness.

- Stress related paranoid thinking (I feel like I'm going crazy and can't cope).

If you recognize some of these other personality traits in yourself you may have a personality type that is particularly prone to coping badly with abandonment; even developing an irrational fear of it.

The good news is that it's possible to take control of your personality rather than your personality controlling you; a small but important difference. Once we are able to see our personality type clearer we can learn better to cope with ourselves. This kind of learning usually takes place over a lifetime. It's often seen as the wisdom that comes with old age. In reality, what has happened is that we know ourselves better. The older we get the easier it is to look back and identify patterns in our behavior.

The other good news is that this whole process can be accelerated. We don't have to wait till we're old to turn things around. By finding ways through sophisticated personality profiling to see our personality clearer we can begin to take control of ourselves and our lives, at any age.

Whether we react badly to being abandoned or not it's also important to keep track of what we are saying to ourselves about being abandoned. It's tempting to use phrases like, "I can't cope" or "I'll never get through it" which become a self fulfilling prophesy.

The eminent psychologist Daryl Bem formed an impactful theory called Self Perception Theory which forms a link between what we say, what we believe and what actually happens. Basically, he would argue that what we say about ourselves informs our beliefs and our beliefs inform reality. So therefore if we say "I can't cope", we won't be able to, not because we can't but because we are learning that we can't.

Although it might feel like you can't cope it will be helpful to change what you are saying about yourself, just slightly. Instead of saying "I can't cope" it will be more beneficial if you change it to something like; "although it feels like I can't cope I know that if I hang on things will change and I will be able to get through this".

By changing what we say about ourselves changes our reality. This is a fundamental point in dealing with abandonment. By altering this important self talk we begin, slowly but surely, to change reality. And that is the end result of all therapeutic approaches.

Alex invites you to have a look at how real people are making incredible changes in their lives, overcoming divorce, separation and all forms of life difficulties http://thelifechangepeople.com/read-my-story/153-elizabeths-story

Read about a simple step by step approach for dealing with types of crisis http://thelifechangepeople.com/news-and-reviews/news/96-beating-mid-life-crisis

Original article

Getting Through A Divorce For Men - 3 Tips To Handle Anxiety

There isn't much help out there to assist men getting through a divorce. With the negative stigma society places on men for showing their emotions, we tend to try to figure out things on our own. This can be a long and painful process. Many times we are alone in sorting out our own feelings and can have a difficult time understanding them.

One major emotion that can hinder getting through a divorce for men is anxiety. Anxiety can hit us hard because of the uncertainty of the outcome of our separation or divorce. Anxiety and worry go hand in hand and the uncertainty of our social, financial and family driven values future become a concern.

Looking back, I can recall three activities that greatly enhanced my recovery and ability to handle everything that came my way, including the anxiety of getting through a divorce. For men, it's not easy to think or even think that others are thinking we may be weak because of these emotions. But it is necessary to overcome these fears in order to achieve the recovery you want and need.

Meditation

Not all men will embrace the idea of meditation, but those that do can have a new, refreshed way of looking at life again. It takes practice to meditate and you can build up your ability to enhance the benefits over time.

Even if you only have five minutes, do it. Find a quiet place, close your eyes and breath. I usually count to 8 inhaling through my nose followed by exhaling through my mouth while also counting to 8. I count to keep my mind from wandering elsewhere. Being careful not to hyperventilate, repeat this process and simply clear your mind and relax.You will be amazed at how simple, yet how beneficial it will be.

Using meditation to treat anxiety will open the door for you to see all of the possibilities and different areas in life you can apply the practice. Combined with breathing techniques, it will facilitate your ability to handle a tremendous amount of stress and pressure.

Light Exercise

I began with enjoying the benefits of light exercise right from the beginning of my divorce. Completely by accident, I found a break away from everything that seemed to crowed my thoughts. Taking small walks showed me how to take time for myself. Even a little bit of exercise is going to do you a world of good. These short walks gave me a chance to sort out all the thoughts that boggled up my head during the day.

Leave the cell phone off, put in some ear buds and walk. This will not only help you clear your head, it's an outlet for that physical anxiousness you may feel. The kind that would keep me pacing across the living room floor for hours.

Even better, take up a yoga class. It simply gets you out of the house and around other people, it's a low impact workout with a tremendous amount of qualities and it accompanies meditation well for a process of recovery for the mind and body.

Selfish Time

If there is one thing I have learned from getting through a divorce is all work and no play will make you lonely as hell. Find something you can do for yourself and start now! If you are anything like me, you have a whole lot of free time, now that you are on your own. One of the best things you can do with that time right now is to focus on you. Find a hobby that can take your mind off of what is going on and allows you to relax. It may take some time to find it, but keep looking. Sometimes the journey can be more fun than the destination. Just make sure it is yours and not for someone else. Otherwise it won't be beneficial and feel fake.

Taking time to yourself is essential. For stressful situations like getting through a divorce, these suggestions can give you a needed interest and outlet for the anxiousness you may feel.

Getting through a divorce for men is a continuous struggle that none of us should face alone. It took me a while to figure it out, but there is a lot of us out there. Find an interest that can see you through the difficult times. Visit here for ideas to enjoy life again.

Or visit my blog for thoughts on reliving.

Original article

Stop Your Divorce While You Still Have A Chance

If you are headed for a divorce that you do not want, you can rest assured that you still have a chance to work it out. Just do not give up hope, it will be difficult and feel like it can't be done. By using the correct techniques you would be surprised with how many people have saved their marriage.

To start off with you should try what you would think to be the easiest approach that is talking to your spouse about it. But it can be the most difficult thing to do for many couples because their communication has broken down.

If this is what always happens in your relationship, you are going to have to fix the communication issue on your own. If you think you will not be able to communicate why not try a counselor or therapist. They could act as a mediator to help you and your spouse effectively talk to each other.

As silly as it sounds, communicating is not an easy thing. Each of us has our personal issues and these can create some insecurity. For example if you were repeatedly told as a child you would amount to nothing then you may be insulted if your spouse says something negative about you. Your reaction may be to lash out at them leaving your spouse to wonder what just happened.

It would be a huge step to overcome this insecurity and lack of communication but it would be a positive step toward stopping a divorce. A counselor can help point out these areas and help you learn to overcome them. Learning what the issues are gets you half way there; it's up to you to fix them.

Not only will fixing these problems help your marriage, it can improve your overall life as well. You could potentially be a much happier person in the long term. Try putting yourself in your spouse's shoes and imagine things from their perspective. Seeing things from others point of view can make someone better for it. You realize your view point is not all there is.

It is not easy to experience your relationship slowly falling apart. If you make an honest effort you will see there many things that you and your spouse can do to fix it. Try to be respectful of each other during this process and communicate without fighting and you will find you have a very good chance of saving your marriage.

If you are at a turning point in your marriage you should check out this relationship site, sign up for the FREE alternative to marriage counseling report.

Original article

Acceptance Is the Key to Peace and Serenity

The day you come to acceptance of what your divorced life IS, and IS NOT, you will finally begin your journey of emotional peace and serenity.

Confusing statement? Let me explain.

Acceptance that you cannot control people, or outcome, is the key to inner peace. Acceptance that you are only responsible for your actions, and not to concern yourself about the actions of others leads to serenity. Focusing on your side of the street and doing the next right thing in your life leads to better living.

Acceptance is a tough nut to crack. It does not come overnight; but let me share with you how to start reclaiming peace in your life.

Peace came to me the day I accepted the fact that my Ex's life is his life, not mine. The choices he elects to make are NONE of my business and my opinion does not matter in the slightest, nor frankly is it wanted by him. I had to accept the fact that we were no long a couple and what that REALLY meant.

This means we both move on to separate lives. I stay out of his affairs and I need to put boundaries around my life so he stays out of mine. I understood that logically; but putting it into practice was another matter entirely. I can come up with the best excuses since we divorced when our daughter was 4; so obviously there needs to be communication between the two of us.

I found it difficult at times not to go on a 'fishing expedition' on finding out what is going on in his life with mutual friends. It was tough not to pry out of my daughter, after a visit with her father, details that were none of my business. My motives behind prying had nothing to do with him; but everything to do with me wanting me to know the details. I can honestly say that I was also hoping secretly that he was miserable. Wishing ill on anyone will NOT promote peace and serenity in anyone's life.

I had to make a conscious decision that when we communicated it was strictly about our daughter. I did not ask how things were going in his life, and I didn't offer up anything going on it mine. And this was tough for BOTH OF US after a 13 year marriage. If he elected to share what was going on in his life I would listen politely and would not ask questions to get more details; I certainly did not offer up my opinion, even if he asked me. If he asked questions of what was going on in my life I pretty much stuck with vague, or high level responses, like 'Life is going Great!' or 'Same Ole, Same Ole'.

What you will find over time is that the more your separate your life's details from his, that your relationship will transition to one like a casual friendship with an office co-worker, or a neighbor. You will communicate at a high level and know some general highlights of what is going on in their life, but that is about it. And you will have peace not desiring to know more than what you already know.

The day will come when you'll end that conversation with him and feel serenity in the fact that you have reclaimed yourself and you've learn to accept him as he is... warts and all.

About the Author

Debbi Dickinson coaches divorced women to move past their divorce and create a new life for themselves mixing spiritual strategy with time tested proven tools. Debbi invites you to take advantage a Free 5-Day Video Guide that outlines some of these tools. http://www.steppingintojoy.com/

Original article

Do You Really Want to Get A Divorce?

Other things such as financial pressures, work pressure can put a strain on many marriages.

You might think divorce is the only solution, since the two of you seem to spend so much time arguing about even the smallest of things.

Perhaps it would be better for you both to go your separate ways and start again.

Realize that all the problems mentioned above are surmountable.

If you both really do still love one another, deep down, then do you really think getting a divorce is going to solve your problems?

Adultery can shatter even the strongest of marriages, but then similarly, many couples find that they have a stronger marriage once they forgive and move on and rebuild the lost trust and loyalty.

In fact, many couples find that they end up with a stronger and more robust marriage after the affair because both partners didn't want to give up in their marriage and realized just how important it was to them when they thought they were going to lose everything.

The pressure and stress of trying to start a family but not being able to conceive can likewise wreak the same sort of damage on a marriage.

Is divorce really the answer?

You can see out IVF, or seek a surrogate or maybe even think about adoption if there really is no way you can possibly have a baby together.

But however you do get that baby, even if you adopt, it is better to bring a child up in a household where there are loving parents and a stable family life, than to struggle alone to bring up a child.

If you feel that your marriage has hit a bad patch, no matter what the reason and it does not necessarily have to be due to a partner having an affair, then by all means seek out the help of a marriage guidance counselor.

These professionals have been trained and have a lot of experience ad dealing with different types of situations where a marriage has broken down.

There have been many couples whose marriage has actually been saved due to marriage counseling and therapy.

Sometimes, all that is needed is a third party and a listening ear that will give you both the space to air your feelings and to hear each other, acknowledge what has been said and to make amends and move on.

Marriage therapists provide that space for many couples who marriage is in trouble.

Your husband having an affair is a good reason to consider filing for divorce but if really don't want to break up the family and need to know how to save your marriage, visit our website for more help and resources.

Original article

The Effect of Divorce on Young Children

A divorce is a stressful and painful thing to go through for most adults, so one can imagine how a developing child may take the news that their parents will no longer be living together.

Generally kids will not fully comprehend what is going on in the beginning stages of the process, but once they do they may display a wide range of emotions. Some may feel vulnerable knowing that they will not be living with both parents full-time, others may have an overwhelming sadness and blame the divorce on themselves, while many internalize their emotions which could lead to problems later in life.

In fact, a study by the University of Toronto has shown that children from divorced parents are much more likely to have suicidal thoughts after their parents marriage has dissolved. Even more alarming is the fact that men are three times as likely to have these thoughts when compared to women in the same predicament.

This particular study went further to see if this suicidal ideation was a result of parental abuse or addiction, and they found that men were still likely to have increased thoughts of suicide even if abuse and addiction were not present. It should be noted that for women, many suicidal thoughts were directly related to parents who have a history of abuse or addiction, and not strictly divorce.

The reasoning behind this discrepancy is partly due to the fact that many children of divorced parents live with their mother full-time, and this lack of a male role model can wreak havoc on the development of an adolescent boy.

While parents shouldn't panic and assume the worst when they get divorced, it is important to realize that your children are greatly affected by the process and you should focus on explaining things to them as clearly and delicately as possible. Under no circumstance should you convince your child to take sides or make them feel as though one parent is to blame, particularly if they are younger.

Make sure that your children understand what is going on and do not place undue blame onto themselves. Reassure them that everything is going to be all right and set up a support system of family and friends if they need anyone to talk to about the ordeal.

Even though it may be difficult for you and your spouse to agree on much during a divorce, it should be a no-brainer that despite your differences your child must be your number one concern while moving forward into the future. Ensure that you do everything you possibly can to lessen the traumatic impact of the divorce.

Magnum Investigations is the premier agency in New Jersey and Pennsylvania for all of your investigative needs. We specialize in video surveillance and family investigations to get you the truth that you deserve.

Original article

The Best Advices in Recovering From Divorce Due to Infidelity

Dealing with infidelity in marriage is probably one of the most painful experiences that a lot of couples had to go through. Although there are some couples who are able to fix the infidelity issues in their married life, there are a lot of couples who actually ended up divorcing. So if you are going through a very painful divorce with your wife now due to infidelity issues, here are tips that could help you to recover from this very sad and painful experience.

Allow Yourself to Cry

Most men would refuse to cry because of the thought that crying will make them less of a man. This is not actually true; in fact, crying can help a person to become stronger in facing all the hardships in his life. So do not allow yourself to keep all the pain within you, instead, cry yourself out so when the tears dry up, you will feel so much better.

Accept the Fact that the Marriage is Over

Acceptance is one of the most difficult stages in recovering from a divorce, especially if infidelity is the main reason of the breakup. Men find it hard to accept that the woman they once cared and loved for is now with another man and that all the beautiful memories you two once shared is gone. But if you are really keen on recovering from the pain, then accept everything that is going on and face the fact that your marriage is already over.

Seek Help

If you feel that you cannot deal with the pain on your own, then you better seek help from your circle of friends and family members in order to help you to move on. Men, unlike women, do not usually open up their problems with their friends which is why it is more difficult for them to deal with a breakup. So do not feel ashamed with what you are going through, and be brave enough to open it up with your friends and ask them to help you recover from such adversity.

Go On with Your Life

Remember that all the pain and suffering that you are feeling will eventually come to pass, so no matter how painful it is, do not ever give up. It is okay to grieve over your failed marriage, but do not deal with it your entire life because your life should go on no matter what. Get your life back on track and join the dating scene to find that woman that could help you to forget your painful experiences with your wife.

Recovering from the pain as a result of divorce is very difficult for some men, that they ended up abusing themselves by relying on drugs and alcohol. But before you mess up your life, just think of this - will you let your wife rejoice on the thought that your life was ruined because of her? If you want to take revenge for what she has done on you, then live your life to the fullest and make her feel that she has made the wrong decision for leaving a brilliant man.

Perhaps you are wondering why women leave men. You can click on How to Survive an Affair Review to learn how to deal with this.

Original article

Parenting, Divorce, Custody and Separation From Kids

I confused control, influence, expectations, contribution and companionship with love. I thought the only way to love somebody was to touch them physically or impact them materially. I had no idea the value of love in a non-tangible form. I had no idea the negative impact I was having on my children by sharing my love in the form of my expectation. I wanted my children to be happy, healthy, wise, intelligent, enthusiastic and loving. And in all this wanting I thought I was loving but wanting and loving are 2 different things.

Is going to sound extraordinary for you the reader to read this. I wish my wife, ex-wife, had taken my children away on the yacht sooner. It's easy to say that now because now I see the damage my judgement and expectations were having on my children and the horrible impact split parenting with incompatible expectations would have caused my children.

At the time all this happened when I was 34 I would never have dreamt to have suggested to even proceed with the separation let alone make it happen sooner. My perspective was completely self absorbed and although I couched all my efforts to stop my children sailing away on a yacht around the world for the next 5 years in terms of their own best interest I was lying. I thought I was acting in the best interest but really it was my own self-centred needs that were limiting me to that perspective.

But there's a more important awareness that came from this. Parents can separate happily. They may not like each other or be in any way interested in friendship with each other but they must understand that 2 CEOs governing one employee with different reward criteria will cause that employee to become dishonest with themselves and others. In other words the good intention of 2 parents to give the best to the children must require that one parent become the support to the other and one parent be the CEO, the dominant caregiver of the family.

Of course in a household where parents are together this dynamic is also valid because if 2 people send signals to one child that there are contradictory rules of engagement and that the child is loved for one set of behaviours while the other parent signals the opposite then the child becomes an actor in a play dancing from 1 foot to the other trying to seek what they want most, love, and not understanding why one parent rejects one another parent accepts as being lovable.

In the last 3 years of my marriage and my daughter was born. She was born at a time when my marriage was not in a healthy state of trust. Our communication was wrestling to find harmony and this in turn meant our daughter deeply who was loved by both of us was getting to different sets of signals from 2 people who should have been sending one signal. Unbeknown to me, the lack of trust and love in my relationship with my ex-wife became a form of expression in the direction of my daughter we compensated out problems by loving her more.

One would think this lack of trust and love between 2 parents that resulted in more love for the daughter would result in a benefit for the daughter. But this disparate love came loaded with expectations. It was at heart pure love but it expressed itself in many hopes and dreams and expectations that should have been dealt with at another level. Nothing affects the child more than the un-lived life of the parent and went to parents have fallen out of love the child is even more impacted because they are getting so many mixed signals.

I wish my wife (ex-wife) had run away with my daughter and my 2 sons sooner because they deserved love at such a young age that was either unconditional (which is what I learnt to do through the pain of the separation in a physical way) and they deserved that came the love with a consistent set of signals through the CEO of the family. Split love coming from 2 people who are not communicating with each other and therefore creating mixed expectations can only do harm.

It's 25 years since that separation. I see it differently from here. I have a deep friendship with my children that is not always conventional. But in 25 years since that separation I have never stopped loving my children unconditionally. My children might say I was not there for them in the classic sense and they are right but I know that nothing is ever missing it just changes in form and my form of classic fathering was taken by the stepfather who did a wonderful job.

Anybody can parent a child. Surrogates parents can be hired. Nannies and caregivers can be rented. People can change a child's nappy, people can cause a child to do their homework or teach them to eat correctly at the dinner table or to be honest. But nobody can love a child more than the parent and that is a role that many parents, certainly me during my divorce proceedings didn't value.

I've worked with many people who are bitter an angry at the parents. Gay people, divorced people, angry people and unhealthy people all so often want to love the parent but for some judgement can't. Deep beneath the judgement the love for the parent exists but it blocked by ego and collusion with those who agree on the judgement. I would rather trust that love that exists below the ego than try to placate the ego of my children in order to win the love. Because that love that I win would be just ego love.

When parents fight for custody battle exists greater than they understand. A parent thinks like I thought that the only way to love the child is to control, influence, guide and impact the life but this is a gross underestimation of the real duty of a parent. I've been criticised over these years for not participating in my children's life as a real father. There is a part of me that burns in sorrow for the opportunity lost to play with my children as a classical parent model would predict. I missed the teenage years as they lived on the yacht and grew up in Paradise without me. I was occasionally jealous of the role taken over by the stepfather, so I'm not pretending here to be a saint but what I am saying is that I have the right to say that the love that I hold for my children, even though it's not recognised on billboards or in academic results, is and was as important a part of their life as any other aspect and so I added value in my way, in a precious way simply by holding love under incredibly challenging situations.

There is also a resolution to be had at the level of thankfulness because bitterness about not having things the way we want or expect them to be can cause more damage than any divorce or loss of custody. So I had to process the loss of my children in the physical form to the world sailing trip in a way that made me thankful that they had gone on a journey without me and that my love and my financial support was valuable.

Suddenly I had turned 38 years old and I had a great gift. I had the luck to birth 3 beautiful children with a woman that I loved dearly and I had the financial gift to give them to make the journey safe in life but what about me. Was that the end of my life awkward this be seen as an opportunity?

Since that day when I was 38 years old and I realised that love is as valuable a parenting gift as possession or custody I was given an opportunity to teach and travel and give and care for other people experiencing a similar disaster and confrontation in the lives. I took this as being my way of creating benefit out of disaster. I didn't want to be bitter all lonely or missing my children an dumping that load on them for the rest of their lives. So I began speaking to groups of people about putting the heart and soul, love, and a higher priority in life than custody and materiality.

A travel to Canada to work with people who are struggling to evolve. I travel to Nepal to take people to mountaintops where they recognise that life always has a beautiful aspect no matter how difficult it may seem. I've written books about thankfulness are about transformation of circumstances to get beyond egocentric perceptions that had locked me in to the belief that I could only be a father if I had custody of my children.

So, may be if I had a magic wand and could go back to the age of 34 with my current awareness I would wish my wife (ex-wife) would sail we on the yacht sooner and cause me to learn what I've learnt sooner and have less impact on my daughter living in the shadow of love from 2 people who no longer concluded on what love really meant to her. I realise that expectations blocked love.

Would I change things? To change the circumstances but arrived in my life when I was 34 years old and the father of 3 children I would have to go back and change my life from the moment my mother died when I was 2 years old. I would have to have a different father and a different brother and I wish never to change that. So, I guess the truth of the matter is that this situation was a destiny not necessarily one written in the poetry books of the great libraries about mystical dance and poetic romance but more about a boxing ring in which a fighter comes away losing the fight but winning and experience worth more than any trophy.

Footnote; the one nightmare that many of my clients get involved with is the demand to provide financial support at an extremely generous level without having any moral or emotional control over the child and how that money is spent. They feel they have the worst end of the stick providing money but losing control. In this perspective they reveal the mind space that caused the separation in the 1st place and make obvious the work required before love transcends the egocentric perspective and expectations that block the very thing they value most, their love.

Chris Walker http://www.chriswalker.com.au/ is a visionary business consultant and of the world's leading facilitators of Personal/Professional Development. Author, consultant and professional speaker, his considered a leader in the field of human potential and lifestyles for success. His VIP and Mastery Programs have been attended by thousands of individuals around the world seeking tools to live life and manage their careers to their fullest potential. http://www.chriswalker.com.au/

Original article

Was the Right Decision For Me to Divorce Him?

Simply put, there will be days where divorced life sucks!

You may feel overwhelmed with all the additional responsibilities that used to be split between you and your Ex. You may be feeling lonely, even sad, at times. You also may be feeling strapped for cash.

These are times when you may start wondering 'Did I make the right decision divorcing him?'

It is natural to wish for the "good ole days" when your "new days" are uncomfortable and complicated; but the reality is that you need to continue moving forward with your new life.

You need to remember that you didn't end up in front of a judge because your marriage was happy, joyous and free. It is easy to blur, or minimize, the bad memories of why you divorced while you are overwhelmed with your new life.

The day the divorce papers were signed my Ex was driving across state lines before the ink was even dry, to begin his new life. I was blessed to receive full custody of our 4-year-old daughter; but I had no family living within 1,000 miles of us. Working full-time in a job that requires travel, with no family support is a major challenge!

Were there days when I wished I didn't have to deal with juggling single motherhood and a professional career... you bet! Did I ever wish that I was still married so that I didn't have to deal with situations like trying to find a friend to watch my daughter for a few days while I went on a business trip...Not even once!

The reason why I never wished I had my old life back is because I was committed to moving myself, and my daughter, forward into a better, happier life. Here are a few things that I did to help keep me focused on my better, happier life that waiting for me, that I would like to share with you.
Make a list of 20-25 items for which you are grateful for in your new life. Keep this in your wallet and anytime you're feeling emotional or overwhelmed, pull it out and slowly read it aloud. It will brighten your day and remind you that you are blessed in your new life.Exercise is one of the best strategies for changing negative energy into positive energy. The most effective is aerobic exercise; but a good weight based work-out does have a way of getting the stress kinks out of your neck. Any exercise will lift your spirits, and redirect your thoughts. You should incorporate regular exercise into your life.
A Night of pampering. Draw yourself a nice bubble bath with candles and soft music. Give yourself a manicure, pedicure or a facial. Do something special for YOU, and only YOU. You are worthy of pampering; so treat yourself accordingly.
Journaling is a good way to get your thoughts out on paper. I often find that getting things out of my head is beneficial to allowing new thoughts to enter. It also gives you a more productive form of working through what you're feeling.

Above all else TRUST in Yourself that the decision you made to move into a better, and happier life is what you're intended to live.

Comment below on if you ever wished you were still married.

About the Author

Debbi Dickinson coaches divorced women to move past their divorce and create a new life for themselves mixing spiritual strategy with time tested proven tools. Debbi invites you to take advantage a Free 5-Day Video Guide that outlines some of these tools. http://www.steppingintojoy.com/

Original article

Divorce Lawyer - 7 Hiring Tips

Seven Things That Matter When Hiring a Divorce Lawyer

Getting divorced is almost always emotionally taxing and extremely expensive to do unless it is a no contest and amicable divorce. It is seldom over as quickly as either party would like. One thing that is of vital importance is finding the right lawyer for your divorce proceedings, and this is not always quite as easy as it sounds. However, by following this advice, you should be able to locate and hire a lawyer who understands and helps your process go as smoothly as possible.

1) Divorce lawyer Comparisons

Meet more than one lawyer, and discuss the same list of issues and questions with each lawyer. This will allow you to contrast and compare how suitable each person is with respect to your highly specific situation. In your meetings, you should be looking to assess a number of important factors. Firstly, of course, you will want to work out the extent to which the lawyers are competent. Do they construct reasonable, clear arguments? Do they know divorce law well enough to be able to tell you relevant facts without consulting a book? Secondly, you need to find out if their personalities are compatible with yours. You want to hire a lawyer who is sensitive and sympathetic to the emotionally trying nature of divorce, and one who makes you feel comfortable when you are revealing personal information about what happened between you and your spouse.

2) Divorce Lawyer - Fearlessly asking the right questions

Think about what you want to know before you go to a meeting with any of the prospective lawyers. It is usually helpful to make a list of questions, and to jot down answers to your questions while you are in the meeting. This will not only allow you to learn and remember everything that is important to you, but also to judge the tone of the lawyer's responses. Are they condescending? Are they vague or hesitant? These are obvious warning signs that the lawyer is not sufficiently professional to handle your case.

3) Finding out about costs

Whenever you meet a prospective divorce lawyer, gather all the relevant information about how much their services will cost you. Find out how much you will owe the lawyer in total, whether they want you to pay in installments or in one lump sum, and whether you can expect to be refunded if you choose to hire a different lawyer at some point during your divorce.

4) Staying calm

No matter how angry you are at your spouse, remember that you need a lawyer who does not exacerbate or encourage these feelings. A good lawyer will be logical, objective and fair, and will advise you on how to get divorced in the quickest, least messy way possible. Lawyers who endorse or try to create thirst for revenge in their clients are not to be trusted, as contentious and vengeful divorces cost much more money (and take much longer to resolve).

5) Divorce Lawyer Relevant expertise

Although this perhaps goes without saying, you should remember that you will most likely have the best experience with lawyers who have specific expertise that pertain to divorce proceedings. If you are at odds with your spouse, you will not know whether they have hired a lawyer who is top-notch in the field of divorce, and you do not want to be caught under-prepared if they have.

6) Making up your own mind

Do not just select a divorce lawyer on the basis of recommendations from your friends or family members. You need a lawyer who gels with your personality, treats you with respect, and is principled. Sometimes, the extent to which some lawyer will be suitable for you in those ways may not have been obvious to the lawyer's other clients.

7) Choosing a morally upstanding lawyer

You should be wary of any lawyer who suggests that it might be a good idea for you to use manipulative, cruel or underhand tactics in the course of the divorce proceedings. For example, your lawyer should actively discourage you from seeing children or items of value as mere bargaining chips that can be used to get what you want out of the divorce. Your lawyer should also try to tactfully correct you if you are being unreasonable about what you demand or expect from your spouse.

If you follow the above points of advice, you should be able to find a lawyer who is objectively suited to the process of your divorce and who is also suited to your own very personal requirements. Interviewing a string of lawyers may sound tedious, but think of all the time you could be wasting if you hastily select someone who will not give your case the time and professionalism that it deserves.

Select a divorce lawyer who is a match for your needs and connects with you.

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Original article

9 Secrets A Man Needs To Know To Survive A Divorce

It's been said that the three toughest things to deal with in life are death, divorce and the loss of a job. E. James Marsh, the author of "Divorce for Men: 9 Secrets A Man Needs To Know To Survive A Divorce" has lived long enough to tell you he won't argue with any of that--he has experienced all three.

But it took his own divorce and those of many friends to see that some light needed to be shed on divorce and a man's life. While there are hundreds of books out there by noted lawyers, psychologists, educators, gurus, Marsh found few offer some simple golden nuggets to help you get through this painful period when you face the daunting task of "un-coupling."

As liberated as this world is now, Marsh contends that men still get screwed more often than women. He says our justice system is way behind the times. And divorcing wives (and their attorneys) use this well-known fact to their advantage time and again. Whether it involves children, division of assets or anything in between, divorcing husbands are almost always on the short end of the stick.

So just what is a guy to do?

Marsh says you need some very good advice. That is why he wrote "9 Secrets a Man Needs To Know To Survive a Divorce."

In it, you will find some proven (and personally tested) thoughts simple yet sometimes so easy to ignore because of the pain and drama you're dealing with. He found that by following these 9 secrets laid out in the book from the very start, he was able to get through his divorce with integrity and health still intact.

For example, in the first secret Marsh discusses the need to see an attorney as soon as possible. While you may hold out for hope of saving your marriage, your wife may see things differently. Discussing your options with a domestic relations lawyer will help you sort out fact from emotional drama and your mood swings.

Secret number two was the author's own God-send. He found that by adding a workout during high stress times (read: divorce) is essential to help you feel better both physically and emotionally about yourself. If he was to pin just one thing on his initial salvation from separating and divorcing his wife, Marsh said it would be going to the gym 5 - 6 times a week without exception. He lost 15 pounds in the process and regained energy he thought was long gone from his middle-aged body.

In secret number five, the author talks about a challenge most men readily admit to hating. Does "can we talk?" make your skin crawl? It sure did his. After all, who wants to admit to your family or close friends your wife has cheated on you, or you're getting divorced? Both cases applied to Marsh and his parents had been married only once and to each other for 58 years! Yet by talking openly with his closest friends and family members he felt as if a boulder had been lifted off his shoulders. He no longer felt alone and everyone feels alone when going through a divorce. It is a by-product of the process.

It is difficult to be philosophical about divorce when you have just separated. The pain, confusion and anger can be overwhelming and something you would not wish on your worst enemy summarizes Marsh. Will sleepless nights, chronic fatigue and anxiety ever end?

In ""Divorce for Men: 9 Secrets A Man Needs To Know To Survive A Divorce," E. James Marsh tells you that things can and will get better for you.

You're divorcing your wife. Whatever the reason, it is painful. But you must gather your senses enough to make sure you not only follow but practice 9 proven secrets. http://bit.ly/wDCzZn
That is, if you want to live a better life when your decree is signed.

Original article

Functions of Divorce Records

The workplace of files inside the state in which the separation was granted would possess a duplicate of one's divorce records. Thus, no matter when you request these files you have to contact the records office in the state where the separation and divorce was granted. There exists a process which needs to be followed while putting a demand for the information. The process would differ among the records offices as well as the states. Chances are you'll need to wait for a while and the time you have to wait may also change among the states.

There really are a great deal of uses of divorce records since they are the ultimate decree given by the courtroom. Considering that it really is signed by the judicial authority, these files would be the only lawful approach to attest that an individual is divorced. The separation is just not lawful unless the processes are carried out licity and the courtroom confirms as well. You will discover men and women who believe they have divorced while they may be in fact not which really is quite frequently the situation when the separation and divorce is undisputed.

Individuals usually would like to possess the divorce records in order to obtain the marriage certificate for remarriage. Most states and counties would ask for the duplicate of separation and divorce license to approve marriage certificate. No matter when someone put in for renaming legally, they might be demanded to produce these files ahead of the court. Even for immigration intentions, a person could possibly need to produce paperwork of marriage or separation to make the application disposal start.

With separation and divorce becoming an ordinary matter, there really are numerous websites that offer details on divorce records. The website of federal information or for crucial documents are essentially the most well-known ones. These will be some cost so the individual must shell out a nominal sum to obtain access.

Once you receive your divorce licenses, you have to be certain that it has a raised seal without which it isn't qualified. There will be a signature of the judicial authority on the certificate that is on a security paper. You might need this duplicate for remarrying and renaming motives. It could probably carry a long period of time to obtain it if you desire some qualified duplicates.

There may have numerous cases throughout your life in which you're asked to develop the divorce certificates. It is necessary for you to preserve the divorce information safely for long-term use. You could ask for legal assistance in the event that you face problems obtaining your information.

If you want to learn more about divorce records, please visit the divorce records website for you.

Original article

Signs That a Divorce Is the Best Option

Divorce is surely one of the hardest decisions you will ever have in life. You and your partner have gone through a lot together, spending quite a long time in each other's companionship, sharing the same group of friends, mutual finances and the children that you have both promised to look after until they're old enough to look after themselves. Yet, the root of the problem sometimes digs in too deep, with both of you participating in quite destructive conversations, exchanging nasty words with each other because of the tiniest matters. This would lead you both to rethink whether you are both really meant to be with each other. Throughout these scenarios, you would have to assess whether the marriage is indeed worth or beyond saving. Below are signs that signify a very intense possibility of getting a separation:

There just may be some instances of verbal or even physical abuse. This can escalate over a period of time. Some hateful words can often cause physical harm being inflicted, and this can be very dangerous. In the event that this happens, it would be best to communicate with a domestic violence shelter or at least a counselor who primarily deals with this sort of thing. It becomes a grave time when you intend to leave the abuser, and some professional intervention is probably required. There's even cases of emotional trauma where heated exchanges and verbal spats can lead one to feel incompetent and inferior.
Your partner continually abuses alcohol, drugs and the like. He or she does not need to be treated or rehabilitated for this. Living with an addict can truly be maddening and chaotic. Your needs and desires will have to take a back seat in favor of the drug or liquor. This can lead your partner to get caught up in his own world, where you're nothing but decoration or a plaything. There is also the matter of finances taking its toll on the purchase of these things, and poor decisions being made due to the influence of these things.
Disloyalty would make for a good reason why you need to push through with a divorce. When there is a third party involved, and your partner is being untrue on you, the whole notion of marriage is rendered useless. The violation of confidence basically tells you that the foundation of your marriage with each other has gone off track.

Bernard Y invites you to http://www.freedating411.com/, dedicated to sharing useful information on relationships and everything under the sun concerning one's dating and love life.

Original article