5 Tips for Getting Along With Your Ex After Divorce

Very rare is a divorce, separation, breakup, whatever your experiencing neat and clean. Most often there are items shared and common interests to tend to. On the short end of the time table, joint bank accounts, real estate, or even a joint business will need to continue long after your relationship has ended. Of course the obvious and most common shared interest is sharing custody of children.

For those lucky few who get a clean break after a separation or divorce this article won't apply. But for the rest of us who have to continue dealing with our ex month after month, or even worse year after year - here are 5 strategies to help you survive.

1. Let it go - What has happened has happened and what is done is done. I once read an interesting quote that said "holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head". I find this to be extremely common when dealing with the pain of separation. After all, this person who you once loved so much is now the source of your greatest pain. However, whatever happened no longer matters. Holding a grudge or being angry will only cause you to suffer and allow your ex to retain emotional control over you, so LET IT GO!

2. Set new boundaries - Boundaries in any relationship are important. We all have a certain set of boundaries with our friends, family, and those we associate with. However, now you need to make room for a new category and new set of boundaries for your ex. This is tricky as what you are doing is actually shifting the boundaries from what you once had to where they need to be. Before your separation your ex was most likely your closest companion. Everything was shared including your greatest victories as well as your most challenging defeats.

In this new situation of creating boundaries it is always best to take the less is more approach. Although you once shared everything with your ex, you must now only share details as it pertains to your common interest. This will be tough to do, especially once the hurt and anger diminish. If boundaries are not set, it is extremely easy to fall back into old habits of trust and communication that could potentially leave you hurting again.

3. Lower expectations (for them) - Expectations are a tricky subject as one should never expect something of someone. When you expect something to go your way, or for someone to handle a situation the way you would handle it, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I know this may sound harsh and believe me I truly believe in the good of the human spirit. But expecting too much of someone with whom you have a past history is a recipe for disaster. When you are in a relationship and things don't go as expected, you are afforded the luxury of fluid conversation in which you have an opportunity to explain your position, be heard, and attempt to resolve the situation. When dealing with an ex, this luxury is very rarely afforded to you and will most often end up creating an unnecessary argument.

So relax a little and go with the flow. Certain items aren't as important as they once were as this person should no longer have priority and control over your emotions.

4. Don't cross that line - I feel that this point shouldn't even need to be discussed as we should all know better, but for the sake of understanding the patterns following a breakup I want to make it clear. Don't cross that line! You know exactly what line I am talking about.

The process of separation often follows a predictable pattern. Unfortunately, one of those patterns is the human need to reach out for security or something familiar when we are emotionally vulnerable. As you move on and begin to heal, set boundaries, and streamline communication with your ex - It can become very confusing emotionally as to how you feel about them. Your new relationship may almost start to feel like a friendship or even a new beginning for the two of you.

This can become very dangerous territory as you may start to feel as if it ended prematurely or that there is potential for a second chance. If this is the case I would highly suggest seeking professional counseling to help you sort out these emotions in order to determine if the relationship has evolved or if you are simply looking to go back to something familiar for other reasons.

I don't know much, but I do know that if I place my hand on a hot iron and it gets burned, I don't place it back on the iron for a second burn.

5. Look ahead but not behind - Moving forward and starting a new life is one of the scariest journeys you will ever have to take. Starting over is difficult and is filled with numerous challenges. But, just as anything in life, the rewards far outweigh the challenges. I have known far too many people who stayed in miserable relationships for 10, 20, 30, 40, and even 50 years because they were held captive by their own fear.

Whether you initiated this separation or it was placed upon you, it no longer matters. The fact is that you are where you are in your life and you need to push forward. The journey may be difficult but the rewards of living a free and fulfilling life far outweigh the cost.

So enjoy the journey and embrace this as your temporary home knowing that a better life is yours for the taking.

Respectfully,
Jason

Visit my blog for more Breakup Recovery Strategies - http://www.breakuprecoveryblog.com/

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Trust - Part 1

Studies have suggested that we need to embrace the possibility of distrust, disappointment and even betrayal as an integral part of trust. Trust is not without risk. A divorce can evaporate our trust in everyone and that makes life really hard because we feel isolated.

So how does this effect divorce survival and recovery? At the level of survival we need to recognize that trust is a composite of many values or traits such as reliability, authenticity, respect, compassion and integrity. When we see these qualities in another it may be reasonable to trust them at least to some extent. Time will tell. I believe that most people really try to be worthy of trust. Some aren't trust worthy by nature. What you can trust is that people will always do what they think is in their best interest.

On the recovery side unless you want to be alone and have only causal relationships you have to open your heart becoming somewhat vulnerable again. If we don't take a risk then we don't have a chance to get the reward. When we are willing and strong enough to risk we need to allow for the possibility of an unpleasant outcome. We do this with the hope that there will be a rewarding or promising ending. Some definitions of trust suggest that it is the "social glue" that hold relationships together. I have some doubts about this and believe that trust is a social skill much like emotional intelligence. Trusting is something we do by choice and we are responsible for making a personal commitment with a goal or condition in mind.

Trust is built over time, through association and starts with small disclosures with which we test the reactions of others. We then measure whether they seem to be reliable and honest in nature and we see enough in them to feel safe to share and open with the conviction that they will meet our expectations. What is sometimes overlooked is that if we don't trust ourselves it is very hard to trust anyone else.

If we lack good self-esteem or lack confidence in ourselves we will likely have trust issues. What we feel on the inside we see on the outside. To develop trust in ourselves we need to have faith and belief in our thinking process and judgment. That may mean some change in our belief system is required. In addition we need to trust our emotions and our capacity to control our moods and reactions. Once you know what's needed you can start moving toward it.

"When we trust ourselves or risk trusting in another, doors open. It's up to us to make sure that the door that opens isn't to an empty elevator shaft". Howard Williams

Most of my working life has been involved in helping people in crisis and life transitions. I started as a street cop where I learned to deal calmly with difficult and explosive situations. After graduating from college I left the PD and went to the largest independent insurance adjusting company in the world. Along the way I spent 6 years as a shift supervisor with a large crisis center handling suicides, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol issues, rape, incest and people with codependency issues. In 1999 I completed a 2 year program to be a life coach and specialize in crisis issues like divorce.

To get FREE resources please go to http://www.realisticcoaching.com/ at the end of the Products area.

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Co-Parenting With Conflict: What Can You Do?

Is the conflict between you and your ex high conflict, or more of a tense, uncomfortable, defensive feeling every time you have to interact with him or her? Not only is conflict exhausting and emotionally draining, it is not healthy for you or your kids.

When one or both parents choose to engage in negative behavior in front of their kids, it is self-indulgent and self-destructive. It is not your children's fault that you and your ex decided to divorce. Your children do not want to be put in the middle of your conflict with your ex, I applaud you for seeking solutions to co-parenting without conflict.

When parents divorce, no matter what, your children's best interest must come first. Your children have one biological mom and one biological dad. They see themselves as part or their mom and part of their dad. When your children see you and/or your ex in a negative light, they assume that negative behavior is part of who they are, too.

As a parent, you need to take the High Road and make sacrifices for your children. Regardless of the other parent, you can only be responsible for your actions, choices and words. So, let's assume that you are a loving, caring parent that wants to do what is best for your children. You are frustrated and exhausted from trying to co-parent with your ex, he or she may be angry, wanting to leverage the kids to try and "win," always negative, degrading or demeaning to you. It could be that sometimes he or she is nice and the next minute un-co-operative. Maybe it is the unpredictable, not knowing what to expect each time you interact with your ex that keeps you on edge.

Let's focus on what you can do to take the High Road and be an effective co-parent:

1. Choose not to burden your children with issues and circumstances that they cannot control.

2. Choose to put your personal feelings about your ex aside and refuse to bad mouth him/her or engage in negative communication with him/her in front of your children. This includes not bad mouthing your ex with family or friends when your children are present, or might hear, see or learn about the comments.

3. Not to allow your children to speak poorly of the other parent.

4. Set boundaries. Decide you will not engage in negative communication or behavior with your ex. Simply let him/her know that you will not discuss the matter at this time, in front of the children. If the children are not present, you can let him/her know that they can send you an email, providing it concerns a decision to be made about the children.

Communicating through email dilutes the emotion. When responding to emails, only respond to the specific issues concerning the children and ignore irrelevant comments or accusations. Keep your responses diplomatic, to the point, without judgment or criticism. As tempting as it may be to defend yourself or set the record straight, stick to the details of the decision at hand.

5. Try to sit down with your ex, putting all differences aside, and create a plan (prepare an agenda of what you will discuss) that focuses on meeting the needs of your children. I would suggest asking a neutral party to be present to keep you focused on the plan, and offer an objective view or opinion.

If you have issues with the way parenting is going, this would be a time to discuss those issues, staying focused on the kids best interest, using "I" statements and not "You" statements. Be prepared to give valid reasons to support your point of view. Be open to listening to your exes point of view. You both may have different views and that doesn't mean that one of you is right and the other one is wrong. This is not about winning.

Just like with your kids, you need to choose your battles with your ex. Determine which parenting issues are most important to you, where you can bend or compromise, and the ones you are willing to let go.

6. As part of your plan, discuss boundaries for your new relationship as co-parents. This is something divorced couples often fail to do, transition into a co-parenting relationship. What do you want your relationship as co-parents to be, or look like?

7. Realize that how you interact with your ex is teaching your children how to act in difficult relationships. Treat your ex how you would like them to treat you. Remember that your kids are watching and learning from you. What do you want them to learn about stressed relationships and how to handle them?

Children should never be put in the position to handle adult issues. They are not capable or ready to understand or deal with adult problems. Choose the High Road and your children will respect you and love you for it.

Copyright 2011 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

If you are a divorcing or divorced parent who is stressed with all the changes in life, the challenges of single parenting and worried about the impact of divorce on your children, visit us at http://www.divorcedparenttelesummit.com/ Our aim is to empower and guide divorced parents to be wise and confident as they provide a sense of peace and security to their children.

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3 Major Divorce Effect on Teenagers

The divorce effect on teenagers should be the number one thing to consider when the parents have decided to split up and end the marriage soon. Separation is really hard for the parents, but it could be much more sorrowful for the teenage children who need to face this reality. In this case, the negative impacts can involve some different aspects of their life. Surely, the root of those impacts is their inability to understand what is happening in such a situation. Generally, it will affect their academic performance, behavior and social interaction.

The following is the short guide for you about 3 major divorce effect on Teenagers:

The Academic Performance

The beginning of suffering is commonly happened a year before the separation occurs. In fact, a lot of parents do not realize about this possible condition, and they simply assume that their teenage children will suffer after they split up. The support along with the approach from parents would play a very important role in this situation, thus. Their will be ready to face the reality; their new current life. Separation would be a very stressful condition, and the parents need to assist them academically. The teens commonly get the lower score in math and reading at least a year before their parents separated. This fact is only one among a lot of other affecting consequences, which were reported by The National Education Longitudinal Study.

However, the impacts will vary widely among teenage students, since they have the different reactions and personalities. If you find that your children start to get the problems with their academic performance, it is better to meet their teachers and consult about the possible solutions to help them getting out of this situation. The student counselor is someone you should come to and asks for the suggestions. The parents know much about their children, but they do not always be able to do the right steps and the right things in such hard time. The counselor will help you by talking heart to heart, thus you can understand entirely about such an influence.

The Teen Behavior

Since the impact on parents split up is a relative matter, thus, you cannot generalize this matter. The significance of the impact toward teenagers' behavior is strongly influenced by their personality and how their friends treat them. Some of them suffer from anxiety, while others start fights. Narcotics and alcohol become the next possible impacts of separation, since teens will always try to find the outlet for their problems, fears and frustrations. They want the attention, but they never care about their ways to get the attention from others, whether it is good (positive) or bad (negative).

Social Interaction

The poor social interaction becomes the next possible impact. It is not only about behaviors, but also the other signs which indicate the presence of the big psychological problems during a separation. As a responsible parent, you need to evaluate or observe the change in their attitude and several other things, for example, extracurricular activities and even their friends. Some teenagers react to their parents' separation by hanging out with friends more often than before. They usually do not think too much on the cause of separation. Even, they commonly do not care whether this condition was caused by them or not. They just need love and assistance to face it all. In conclusion, the teenagers could face the hard situation due to their parents' separation when they could get the good support, love and assistance from their surroundings, especially from their father and mother. If you do this, your children will never have to face all the potential divorce effect on teenagers.

Original article

Gaining Closure After Divorce/Breakup

Closing Time

It is very difficult to move forward into a new healthy relationship without closing the door one an old one. However, it is important to note that closure is not an absolute "must have". There will be many situations where, due to circumstances, closure is impossible. Besides, your goal is to get over this bump in the road and move on with your life. If you feel that meeting with your ex will cause you more pain, anger, and frustration than it's worth, then face to face closure may not be a great idea.

After all I've said thus far, if you still desire closure and the opportunity is available, then you can feel comfortable in moving forward and seeking closure. You should also be aware that face-to-face or in-person closure is not always needed, and sometimes the process is better achieved via the phone or-even better-in a letter or email.

Now that we have identified what closure is not and how it should not be used, let's take a look at three items that should comprise our main purpose and objectives. I call them the Three C's of closure.

1. Create

The goal here is to create a landmark for yourself to signify that it's over and that you have no intention of returning ever again. Of course, you don't speak these words; this exercise is for you, not to convey to your ex that you're over them. You shouldn't care what he/she thinks. The simple gesture of a good-bye, I wish you well, spoken from a place of clarity and balance as opposed to anger and frustration, is what we are aiming for. This is the type of traditional good-bye that we are all familiar with. It's less likely to create emotional turmoil or resentment than words spoken in anger.

2. Cooperation

This is where you tie up any loose ends. These are the same loose ends that could have easily been used as excuses when you were not as strong emotionally. The sweater she left behind, or his favorite pair of jeans that he left at your house-this is the time to return them. In short, any financial obligations or items of personal property can now be dealt with.

3. Care

This is the most important part of closure, but the care is not for your ex; it's for you. This is your opportunity to release yourself from any feelings of guilt over breakup. Remember, this is for you, not the other person, so don't feel the need to offer an apology or a lengthy explanation. A simple "I truly am sorry for the way things turned out" is good enough.

If they offer an apology for their part, again, don't go into details, just say "Thank you, I appreciate your apology"

Once the Three C's have been addressed, there is no need to drag it on any longer than necessary. Thank them for their time, give them a quick hug if you want, but that's it-the door is closed, and you are out!

Respectfully,
Jason

Visit my blog for more Breakup Recovery Strategies - http://www.breakuprecoveryblog.com/

Original article

High Conflict Personalities - The Driving Force Behind Divorce Litigation

Do you know someone who typically blames others and denies personal responsibility for his/her problems? Do you know someone who is adamant about having his/her day in court and refuses to entertain any suggestions to negotiate or mediate the dispute?

Most of us know at least one person like this. Maybe they have been a client, a friend, a previous employer, a family member, or former spouse. There are numerous examples that illustrate that personalities, not legal issues, often propel conflict. Let us consider two families going through a divorce.

Tale of Two Divorcing Families:

Family #1:

Mr. Apple is considering a divorce and seeks the counsel of an attorney. Mr. Apple shares with his attorney that he would like to resolve the dispute out of court to minimize costs and maintain a healthy relationship with his soon-to-be former spouse and children. Mr. Apple's attorney recommends a collaborative divorce process utilizing the assistance of a mental health professional and a financial professional.

There is a family home, two young children, and retirement accounts. Mr. Apple is quite successful and has an annual salary of $150,000.00. Through the collaborative divorce process, the couple agrees that Mr. Apple will provide Mrs. Apple with some alimony because she has a demonstrated need for financial support, and Mr. Apple will provide the two young children with child support. In addition, Mrs. Apple will remain in the family home while Mr. Apple rents an apartment. After five or six collaborative meetings, the Apple's reach an agreement and obtain a divorce for a total of $10,000.00.

Family #2:

Mrs. Orange is furious with her husband and wants to make him pay for all of the wrongs she has suffered during her lifetime. She seeks an attorney to get the divorce process started. The Orange family also has a family home, two young children, and retirement accounts.

After three years of litigation, multiple temporary hearings regarding a wide variety of issues such as restraining orders, a parenting plan, and child support, Mrs. Orange finally gets a full-day trial with her second attorney. Yes, her second attorney! She fired the first because she was not aggressive enough. The court orders Mr. Orange to pay spousal support and child support and orders the family home to be sold. The legal fees for Mr. and Mrs. Orange total $100,000.00.

So What Can We Learn?

Both families had similar issues and concerns. Both families used attorneys. Both divorces were likely emotional, stressful experiences. Yet, one family spent one tenth of what the other family spent getting a divorce. Why? Mrs. Orange made the decision to pursue a highly adversarial approach to getting a divorce. Her high conflict personality propelled the conflict. Her emotions were exaggerated, and her behavior was frequently inappropriate. Minor issues were portrayed as major conflicts, and she persisted on issues with a lot of drama, long after Mr. Orange had let them go. Throughout the process, she always blamed someone else for her problems.

High conflict personalities (HCPs) are driving a significant portion of the litigation, and we would all be in better position to identify and manage these personality types with a deeper understanding of HCPs. Simply be aware that you might be dealing with someone who is a high conflict personality type, and you might need some special skills and techniques to protect yourself, the HCP, and others.

Arthur J Grossman is an Orlando Divorce Attorney with the Orlando Florida law firm of Grossman & Grossman P.A. located in Winter Garden. He holds a Master of Laws degree from the #1 ranked dispute resolution program in the United States, The Straus Institute at Pepperdine University School of Law. If you need an Orlando Divorce Lawyer who will work with you to resolve your case efficiently and respectfully, please call (407) 573-2301 or visit the Grossman & Grossman P.A. website. http://www.thegrossmanlawoffice.com/

Original article

2 Minuet Technique To Heal Your Broken Heart

Now your partner's gone and you are alone, what do you intend to do, don't you worry. Here's how to deal with all the pain that you're feeling right now. One of the best ways that will help you to heal from your break-up or divorce is just simply knowing how to deal with your negative thoughts and how to control emotions that keep on coming up to your head over and over again.

Get it right, I am not talking about controlling your thoughts here, but am simply talking about the knowledge or thoughts and the emotion and then consciously changing them.

Hold on, I hear you say impossible, well I say it is possible. Look at this scenario if you have a toddler in your neighborhood, you might remember diverting the toddlers attention whenever he/ she was about to do something that might cause injury or pain. You might have recalled diverting the toddler's attention with toy or something else he/she might enjoy. Or imagine it being done by another person if you do not have toddler around your neighborhood.

The main aim is to re-focus the toddler's attention towards something that was more desirable than the "danger" activity that she/he was focused on.

Can you imagine how it works like magic, the same is true for you when you are feeling like a victim or martyr and its keeping you stuck in the past or you are deeply into blaming yourself or your ex for what happened and the blame is holding back from the life you want. Have you discounted your feelings, okay, you can just in 2 minuets choose which one you will focus and which one you aren't so that you start to feel better and move towards your healing.

Without keeping you in suspense, let me reveal the techniques, after all am here to make you feel better and not worst. Hey use this techniques when those negative thoughts and feelings keeps on ringing on your head like school bell, I know you've waited long for these to expose this powerful secrets. But get this in your head negative thought and feelings can become a habit but they can also be changed.

· Sit

Sit quietly especially in a quiet place, for example your bathroom.

· Settle down

It is time to relax, close your eyes, take a deep breath, try as much as possible to breath into your feet so that you feel grounded and connected to the earth. Ensure you feel yourself slowing down and your breathing deepen, let say for 15 seconds

· Awareness

Put your brain to work, ask yourself why you are having a negative thought? What exactly are you thinking? for example am I a loser when it comes to relationship.

· Ask

Then ask yourself if you know the answer to your question, that is are you negative thoughts true. Can you find evidence to the contrary? Chances are you can find somewhere in your life where your thoughts cannot be substantiated.

· Allow

Okay, quickly bring your attention to your heart or gut area and feel the sensations in your body. (what exactly are you feeling in your body right now? Is there tightness, a big knot, emptiness, heaviness? ) allow your sensations to be there without judging them and breath into the area, breath into that heaviness until the sensations softens. If you felt a knot in your area, breath into that knot until it starts to loosen.

· Replace

Finally replace the limiting, self-defeating "drama" running in your head to one that is more in alignment with what you want in your life, because the reality is that both the outcomes are possible. Run this new drama whenever you feel your negative and in pain, replace that "drama" with one the could happen that you'd like much better. See yourself taking your next step in more empowered ways instead of the damaging cycle you find yourself.

Never forget to practice this as many times a day that you need. Keep a copy of it in your phone, in case you are tempted to call your ex. Put copy in your car to remind you to stop yourself before your done by his or her new living situations.

Now you have 2 Minuet Technique To Heal Your Broken Heart, You can also read other relationship articles such as how to heal your broken heart, Valentine Birthday Party Ideas For a Hearty by visiting http://www.getyourexbacklies.com/

Original article

Children and Divorce - How to Help Them Cope With This

There is no two ways about it. No matter how old a child is when the parents get divorced, it is going to be extremely difficult for them to understand why this has happened and how to cope with it. It is common knowledge that children who grow up in a dual parent home tend to be much more secure and stable because they have received the love and support of the father and mother as a single family unit. The biggest issue is always how the parents "behave" and cooperate with one another once they no longer live together.

There are numerous things that divorced parents can do in order to ensure the child's security and stability while they are growing up and maturing. For instant, they can still share the joys of parenthood and the happiness that the child brings them even though the parents are no longer living together. Another key issue is that the parents need to set all of their differences to the side as well as any negative feelings that they may be harboring for each other whenever they are with the child.

Steps you can take to ensure the child's security and stability

To ensure that your child will have good emotional health and well-being as well as feeling secure and being stable, you should consider the following steps:

Always be honest and open when you are talking to the child - there are going to be a lot of questions. You need to answer every one of these questions, regardless of how insignificant or trite they may be.

Be prepared to deal with behavior, emotion, and negative feelings - it is natural for the child to confused, hurt, and sad about the situation. Your child will need time to mourn the loss of the parent and to adjust to this. Be sensitive and never belittle the child or their feelings regarding the situation.

Both parents need to be cooperative with one another - there is a greater possibility of maintaining the child's security and stability if you are always cooperative with one another. The bottom line is that you always need to work together no matter how difficult this may be where the child's welfare is concerned.

If you're going to argue, don't do it when the child is present - although this is a normal element of divorce, you have to make every attempt to keep it away from the child. When the child is present, you want to remain cordial with one another despite any disagreements that may exist.

Help to create your child's stability - It is important to allow the "ex" to maintain close contact with your child and strive to achieve normalcy whenever possible. You want to avoid making a very common mistake - pampering or spoiling the child so that they favor you over the ex. When everything is changing around that child, the last thing you need to do for them is that the two of remain cordial with one another and keep that one thing the same as it always used to be before the marriage fell apart.

For the latest videos and training information on child development as well as books and curricula on ADHD children please visit childdevelopmentmedia.com.

Original article

When to Divorce - Find Out If Your Marriage Is Still Worth Keeping

When you marry your partner, it goes without saying that you truly love and trust that person so much. But what happens if the trust you have for him/her got broken? Would you resort to ending the relationship and file for a divorce right on? Read on to find out when to divorce your partner.

If You Found Out Your Partner Is Cheating On You

Nobody said that cheating within a marriage is good - it is obviously not a good thing. But remember that there are reasons why your partner cheats on you, so it is best that you both talk about it in order to address whatever shortcomings that you may have. In situations such as these, do not rush into filing for a divorce right away, because it might be better if you just forgive each other and mend things out... although in the end, the decision will still be yours.

You Lose Physical Attraction to Your Spouse

So when to divorce your partner? Is it when you feel like you are no longer attracted to him/her that your sex drive is already affected? Well, absolutely not - these things can still be fixed, and the best way is to go on counseling or see a doctor. It's really sad to know that some people would decide to end their relationship just because they no longer find their partner attractive at all, that they even forego making love to them because they no longer have the drive to do so. Talk to your partner and decide what your best options are.

When You Are In an Abusive Relationship

If you are in a relationship where your spouse abuses you physically and emotionally, then that is a good indication that it is time to end the marriage and file for a divorce. Remember this - if you feel you are being abused by your spouse physically or even verbally, you have to quit the marriage right away no matter how painful the decision is. No one deserves an abusive partner, and you could be wrong to think that he will change his attitude - leave now, before it gets even worse.

Remember that there are no relationship issues that cannot be addressed with, and divorce is not always the best solution when your marriage is in trouble. At first, you might break down and decide to quit right then and there, but remember that once you are already divorced, there is no turning back anymore, and it is no longer that easy to fix a divorced marriage. When you are faced with problems in your marriage and you ask when to divorce your partner, it is best that you first give yourself a break - go on a vacation in order to give yourself ample time to think on whether it is best to end your marriage or not... and again, in the end, it is only you who can decide.

Are you still can't decide what to do? Read when to divorce for 5 simple questions you should ask yourself to asses your situation. These will help you greatly in making the best decision. Need professional help? I would suggest you visit Save My Marriage Today review for the best help you can get.

Original article

Fallout and Recovery From Divorce

When you said, "I do," you didn't mean "I do for x amount of years, or x amount of months," you meant "forever." None of us thinks about that 50% divorce rate in the country while we are saying our vows. However, half of us find ourselves in the middle of a break up. Divorce is a painful, emotional thing to endure. It matters not whether you are the initiating spouse or the one taken aback by the request to end the marriage. It's hard, that is the bottom line. If you are facing divorce, where do you go from here?

Divorce causes an upheaval of life on all levels. It affects your heart, your self-esteem, your finances, your family, your friends, your children, and your life style. Depression, eating disorders, stress, and worry are just a few of the possible effects of an impending divorce or the end of any relationship. You may go through several stages during the demise of your marriage such as denial and anger, depression, withdrawal, and finally recovery. All is not lost, people DO get through it every day, and you can as well.

First, it's okay to grieve the end of your marriage. Something very important in your life has died, and it takes some time to let it go, be honest with yourself that it is gone, and move on. Allow yourself some grieving time. It is NOT okay, however, to lose yourself in that grief. It is NOT okay to wallow in it until it sucks the very breath out of you. It is NOT okay to let it consume you.

Second, let this be a new chapter in your life. Look at it as a way to reinvent yourself. The world is your oyster, the possibilities are endless. If you have children, it is an opportunity to make their lives even better than they were before. Make a list of all of the things that you never felt able to do because you were married or had someone else to think about in day to day life. If you always wanted to try you sky diving and you're soon to be ex laughed at you, go do it! Realize the possibilities. If you find yourself with the inevitable "what ifs," sit down and write down a description of yourself and your dreams BEFORE you got married. Then write a description of yourself while you were married. Compare the two. Which is more appealing to you? Visualize yourself while in the marriage and ask yourself if that was really a happy you. I imagine that the answer to that question will quickly come as a firm NO. Laugh... a lot. Laugh at yourself; laugh at the things that you thought were so important in that relationship. Finally, surround yourself with positive people and beautiful things. They don't have to be expensive things or really flashy people. Those who love you for who you are, are the best kinds of people. They will help to support you while you are trying to make your way back to that person that they see.

I won't lie, it won't be easy. Nothing in life worth having is easy. But, it's not a lost cause. There's an old saying, "Don't beat a dead horse." If that horse you are riding is dead, get off, throw it a great funeral, and move on to greener pastures.

If you are in need of a New York divorce attorney or a New York child support lawyer visit http://www.jeanmahserjian.com/

Original article

Is Divorce The Only Option?

In the past few decades, divorce rates have skyrocketed and the number of marriages that come to an unfortunate or disagreeable end seems more common than marriages that stand the test of time. Unfortunately, sometimes divorce really is the only option for some couples, but before you decide that terminating the marriage is the best choice for everyone involved, there are some alternatives and preventative measures that may help salvage the relationship.

Trial Separations: Sometimes, everyone needs a little bit of a break. With the added stress of work, financial issues, daily family needs, and other life situations, many people have little time to be alone and clear their thoughts.

A trial separation can be a breath of fresh air, and often getting away from daily stress and arguments can bring things into perspective. It gives you and your spouse a chance to have some much needed peace and quiet and a chance to think, prioritise, and consider the serious issues of the marriage without the pressures of having to be in the tense atmosphere itself.

Marriage Counselling and Mediation: While counselling or mediation seems like a common sense option, it's surprising how many couples refuse to seek professional advice or don't think of it at all during the midst of a marriage crises. Talking to a neutral third party can help you see the real points and reasons of why a marriage may be going sour.

A marriage counsellor can also help couples learn better ways to communicate with one another, help each partner admit faults while moving on from blame and guilt, and give advice that can save a marriage that might otherwise end in divorce.

Do Things Together Again: Sometimes, couples simply grow apart because they find themselves too busy to spend time together as they once did. It may lead to arguments, apathy or a distancing that seems impossible to bridge. With so many obligations at work or with children, finding time for each other can be a real marital hurdle that, unfortunately, often leads to divorce.

Setting time aside for each other and doing the things that brought your marriage together in the first place can help rekindle the relationship. It can also open up time for communication and solving family problems together that might be hard to breach during other, busier times.

When is Divorce the Only Option?: If you've tried these suggestions or other methods to bring your marriage together and still find the gap between you and your spouse too wide to bridge, it may be time to consider a divorce.

If any mental or physical abuse is involved, divorce is usually the best option, especially if the abusive spouse refuses to seek counselling or help. Realise, also, that staying in a bad or unhappy marriage can actually do more harm than good to children, who might adjust much better to a stable, happy single-parent home than a volatile and tense two parent home where mother and father argue constantly.

For more information on divorce advice.

Original article

Why Don't We Heal From A Divorce?

At its core, coaching is about relationships and helping clients get what they want even when they don't want to do what it takes. Coaching arose out of the business and sports world because people wanted more from their lives but didn't necessarily know what that was. Coaching has been described as an interpersonal technology that is there to support, guide, correct and teach skills while clients delve into what's keeping them from the life they want. A coach isn't there to give you answers but rather to help ask the right questions and then assess whether the answers are really answers.

Divorce demolishes your personal world and the life you thought we were living. Suddenly everything is changed and keeps on changing. When we don't or can't keep up with the radical change happening we can find ourselves swept into a new reality that we aren't prepared to cope with. How well and rapidly you adapt will determine the rest of your life path. Folks that is not an overstatement

Divorce is a life altering process. You will never be the same. When people don't heal after a life trauma it's usually because they remain attached to some belief or view of the world that has been negated by the divorce and they won't or can't let go. Others cling to "being wounded" as if it were an identity and it gives them an excuse not to do "whatever". This usually manifests with statements like "I can't because." This is a state of mind that cans suck the life right out of you.

It's sad but true that we can't take our whole world with us when a divorce changes our lives. But we can usually maintain some elements, salvage and rework some others and be prepared to create what is necessary to fill the gaps. Determining what those things are is the work of reclaiming your life. A coach can help here because coaching is about the process of change. I know I benefited from the time and direction with my own coaches. My clients report how they have benefited when I share what I have learned.

Why is it so hard to give up our wounds and attachments and the power we get from them? My next comment will probably piss off a lot of people. For many of us who have had life traumas our first language and doorway to a form of intimacy is through our common wounds. We recognize someone who is also wounded and they us. So we start sharing scars, war stories and painful memories. When we do this we are speaking the language of "woundology".

We don't want to give up our language of "woundology" because it is our first language of intimacy. We have created all kinds of relationships around our bonding with wounds and most of don't want to give it up because we likely would have little more to say to each other. Yet giving it up is the single most powerful thing you can do for your biology. The goal is to forgive and let go of the holds our wounds have on us and how they define us.

What does it take to heal?

1) First we need to identify our wounds

2) Realize how important it is to have a witness, someone to hear and acknowledge your pain. But that needs to be limited. What you need to get out of your rut is someone to tell you it was hard but also to tell you that it's enough and it is time to move on.

3) Observe how much of you is using your wounds and how you have converted the wound to excuses to do or not to do certain things. Many excuses you have come from a wound. It's tough to give up your wounds because they have been converted to currency and you get a lot of mileage out of that currency.

4) What do I mean by the term currency. Currency is excuses. Give up victim dialogue. Stop hanging out with other victims because they will not be happy about your changing. If you stop talking the "victimology" language, what will there be for you to talk to them about? The currency of excuses allows us to get away with a lot.

Most of my working life has been involved in helping people in crisis and life transitions. I started as a street cop where I learned to deal calmly with difficult and explosive situations. After graduating from college I left the PD and went to the largest independent insurance adjusting company in the world. Along the way I spent 6 years as a shift supervisor with a large crisis center handling suicides, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol issues, rape, incest and people with codependency issues. In 1999 I completed a 2 year program to be a life coach and specialize in crisis issues like divorce.

To get FREE resources please go to http://www.realisticcoaching.com/ at the end of the Products area.

Original article

5 Tips to Keeping Your Sanity in the Divorce Process

1. Don't play the game.

We know that divorce is typically a game of "Who can screw who out of what". Do you really need to keep his Great Grandmother's China? Decide from the beginning (and keep it to yourself) what you can realistically live without, and move this thing forward.

2. Regroup as a Group.

Kids internalize what they see.

Believe it or not, your children see or hear you stressing over the details of your divorce (even when you think they're not listening), and as a result, they stress too, and it usually manifests itself in the form of things like sleeplessness, inattention or acting out at school, etc.

Taking time out to "regroup" as a group is a must. Treat your kids to an evening away from their home environment whenever possible. It doesn't have to be elaborate. A movie, the zoo, or even a trip to the neighborhood park for some fresh air can be a huge relief. The more they see you not stressing over it, the less they'll stress.

3. Get Out. Be Social.

Nothing refreshes the soul like a much-deserved field trip.

Getting out of your usual environment feels like you're physically pushing away the box that all of your stress is in, and the further away you get, the better you'll feel. Get yourself into an environment where you can talk to others about everything, and nothing. Don't talk about your divorce. Talking to people who aren't going through the same experience is enlightening and uplifting like nothing else I know.

4. Realize that this is temporary.

Getting caught up in the drama that's going on with your divorce will give you an overwhelming feeling that this will never end.

Trust me, it ends. Whether it's in three months, or three years, this too shall pass. The task at hand for you, is to fill your time with ways to manage the emotion of the process. Looking at it as your way of starting fresh instead of seeing it as only an end, helps you to look forward to doing the simplest things, like re-decorating your home (and we all do it). It puts a whole new spin on this process.

5. Take care of YOU first.

If you have a nervous breakdown, you're no good to anyone.

Taking care of yourself first simply means remembering to do the first four steps like they were your religion. "Who's going to take care of my kids if I'm busy 'taking care of myself'" isn't a relevant question. I'm not saying that you should let your children run wild and unfed take care of yourself, in order to put yourself first. I'm simply saying, remember to take care of your spiritual, emotional and physical self, or you'll find that you might soon be a candidate for a straight jacket.

Debbie Burgin is a post-divorce coach, and author of "The Joy of Ex" http://www.thejoyofex.blogspot.com/.

Having an empathetic ear during and after divorce can be invaluable. Looking for a post-divorce coach? http://www.thegirlfriendsguidetodivorce.com/

Original article

Divorced Couples - Is There A Common Trait In The Relationship?

According to a new study done by MSN.com, 40% of women knew their marriage wasn't going to work out before they even said their 'I do's'. My first instinct was to look at this statistic and wonder why they would get married in the first place, but after thinking about it logically, I see why these confused brides continued to walk down the isle.

A lot of the time, people look at 'long term' as a solution. In my profession, I encounter countless people who think they may be better off without their partners, but stay out of either fear, comfort, routine, or simply because they truthfully believe that if they stick it out, that one day their problems will be eliminated simply because they stayed together. It's what psychologists call 'the wedding solution.' People think that if they do something like have a baby together or get married, knowing they're linked with a stronger bond will make them more determined to work through their problems.

What often ends up happening is that the two parties resent each other for wasting their time with a long marriage that was really unwanted in the first place, which causes arguments and eventually leads to divorce.

So how do you avoid this when searching for people through an online dating site? You stick with your instincts!

Most people are a good judge of the characters they would and wouldn't get along with. If you start talking with someone who gives you a bad impression, or if when you meet someone to transition from internet dating to dating in the real world and you don't connect, don't waste your time trying to salvage what you had online. Sometimes chemistry simply doesn't transfer to reality, and it's best to put your efforts into finding someone you go well with instead of trying to save something with a person you've only known online.

If you think things won't work out, spend your time on something that you think will! Trying to force a relationship out of something that your instincts tell you won't work out will often lead you down the path of a painful break up, or worse, divorce. When you push a relationship, you're often putting excessive effort into making it work, which makes the break up harder than necessary. If you have a feeling it's not going to work out, don't push it! Find something that's better suited to you, your likes, and your lifestyle.

http://wwwdatingguide.com/ is a website dedicated to helping those entering the online dating world for the first time.

Online dating is slowly but surely taking over the world of singles. People used to resort to searching blindly for compatible singles in public, where you'd never know who would make an attuned match. Thanks to online dating, you get the chance to test your compatibility with a date before even saying hello.

Original article

Reasons For Divorce - Why Husbands and Wives End Their Marriages

Why do married couple end up separating? Are you worried that your own marriage might end up in divorce? Are you aware of the main reasons why partners separate after years of married life?

The proportion of marriages that end in divorce is on the increase. It is sad that couple go for the divorce option when they find things lacking in their marriage. They seem to have devalued the sanctity of marriage. What really are the main reasons for divorce? Here are some explanations for you to consider.

Having an addiction

One of the main reasons for divorce is an addiction, either to alcohol, substances, or gambling. These addictions make it likely that a marriage will end up in divorce. If you always knew your partner had an addiction but married them nonetheless, then you must be prepared for some significant consequences. Do not hold the belief that your partner will change once you get married, as this is very rarely the case.

Being unfaithful

A partner being unfaithful is one of the main reasons for divorce. This is most common of male partners. Although there are also women who are easily tempted into infidelity. Unfaithfulness is common in marriages. If a partner has an affair, it becomes very difficult to trust them again. Even if the affair ceases, if the trust is gone, then the marriage will likely be over.

Being abused

There are lots of reasons for divorce but abuse of a sexual or emotional nature is very difficult to get past. Counseling and rehabilitation would be needed for a long period of time. A marriage in which abuse has been a factor will very often end in divorce.

No commitment

If people get married while one or both of the partners is not ready for that level of commitment, then the marriage may fail. There a number of explanations why people enter marriage before they are ready for it. This can be because of a pregnancy that was a surprise, or the partners may be in love but have not thought properly about their future life together.

Immaturity

If one of the partners in a marriage is still immature, this may mean the marriage ends in divorce. You cannot control a person's lack of maturity. If someone is immature still, then they will be unable to properly process and understand issues.

These are the main five reasons for divorce. We can only prevent marriage ending in divorce if we learn how to compromise. You don't have to rush into marriage. Hold off for the correct time so everything will go well. If you are already in a marriage, be adult enough to meet your responsibilities as a marriage partner and perhaps also as a parent. You can't be selfish in a marriage.

To find out more about how to get male attention, click Understand Men. You'll learn all the secrets to make a man Fall in Love with you.

Janice Evans is a dating and relationship expert. Her passion is to write informative articles for women who want to improve their love lives. Visit her site for more information.

Original article

Divorce - Is It the Right or Wrong Choice for You?

Yep, it is a really big step...divorce, and it is rarely an easy or simple decision. The end of your marriage marks the end of a big period of your life, and the beginning of a new, hopefully happier and more satisfying one for you. Wow, that is a lot of steps, and a lot of changes. No wonder it can be scary to even think about. But think about it you must; it is too important not to.

So how are you going to tell if divorce is the right, or best, choice for you right now? Good question. Just the fact that you are here, reading this article, probably means that you have been thinking about divorce. Maybe for quite some time. Should you go ahead with it? Or not?

Most marriages have their ups and downs, and problems and stresses. No surprise there. The central question is, Do you WANT to try and fix it? It probably can be repaired, with some effort on the part of both you and your spouse. Let us put the question another, more useful way: Do you still love your spouse?

If you do, it might be worthwhile for you to make another attempt to save the situation. That way, later on if you get divorced anyway, you will be able to say that you did your best, and your conscience will be clear.

Here are 4 reasons marriages can hit the rocks and shatter, in no particular order of importance:

1. The Big One... Cheating

This is often thought of as the big, major issue; it can indeed lead straight to divorce, and rather quickly at that. If your mate was unfaithful, it is for you to decide if you can truly forgive them and renew your marriage. Really forgiving your spouse means forgetting about it and putting it behind you. Really really behind you. And not throwing it in your partner's face later on, during a heated argument. Can you do that?

If you were the cheating heart, be honest now. Was it just a mistake, a case of raging hormones? If you still want to save your marriage, then tell (and show!) your spouse that you still love him or her, and promise it will never happen again. On the other hand, if you cheated because you lost interest in your spouse (see Point 4 below) or because something was missing from your marriage, then a divorce is probably best for both of you.

2. Abuse

An abusive relationship will destroy you from the inside out, and make a big hole in your soul. It should not be tolerated for long at all, and I am including physical and emotional abuse here. Try to work things out with your mate, and make changes soon. Go see a counselor, alone if you have to.

3. Addictions

An addiction to alcohol, gambling, drugs, etc. can also ruin a marriage in short order. Perhaps the most corrosive aspect of an addiction is that the other, non-addicted spouse may sense that the addict loves his alcohol, drugs, etc. more than he loves her. So she will feel alone and betrayed.

The addicted spouse should get help quickly, and start treatment. He or she should make a commitment to try and change and turn their life around. If not, get out of the relationship before you are dragged down and destroyed as well. These people need professional help, which you cannot provide.

4. Indifference

Maybe your marriage just sort of petered out, for no particular reason other than you simply lost interest in each other. No more spark. The thrill is gone. Well, people change with the years and grow apart, especially in long-term marriages. Still, do not be too hasty to throw it all away because of this. Think carefully.

Evaluate what you have now, and your possible happiness with another, new mate. Your happiness and contentment is what is most important, of course. So take the time to weigh everything, and decide if a divorce at this stage of your life is best for you. Take your time, and do not let anyone rush you into a quick decision. It must be the right choice for you. After all, there is no going back.

Before charging right ahead with the divorce, please keep this in mind. Studies show that most marital problems can be fixed, so I am sure saving your marriage is indeed possible. All you need is a plan to follow. Watch this free video to learn more.

You do not have a plan? Well, I would hate to think you lost your chance for enduring love and happiness with your spouse because of that! Click here => http://www-FixingBreakups.com/ to get more help. You will find the little psychological tricks that have helped so many others, and will surely help you too.

Good luck to you, and good loving to both you and your mate!
Your friend, Jake Rancen

Original article

Divorce - Fast, Simple and Cheap?

Bad, bad and bad. In most cases, anyway. Divorces are never pleasant, and they usually bring out the worst in the parties concerned. They are often full of anger and resentment, and cost a lot. And not just in terms of money. In addition to draining your pocket, they will take an emotional toll on you. So a quick, cheap divorce may not be the best way for you to go.

Instead, take the time to plan for the separation, and in fact for the next stage of your life, when you will be single again. There will be a lot of details to keep track of, and many aspects of the process to follow. Stress can quickly build up to the boiling point.

To keep things under control, get yourself an agenda or some kind of daily planner, and organize your life carefully. This will prevent you from feeling overwhelmed (although you may get that 'swamped' sensation occasionally) and keep the stress level down to manageable size.

Divorce is not a simple process, nor should it be. Whatever the causes of divorce, take the time to prepare yourself, and do each step properly. Say to yourself, it will take the time it takes, that's all. When you do feel frazzled and snowed under, drop everything and go for a walk, or to the gym, or have a beer or coffee with your buddies. Whatever works for you.

Sometimes one partner will feel so upset and betrayed that he or she will try to drag out the divorce as long as possible, thereby considerably raising the divorce costs. Or in a vindictive fit, they will attempt to get everything. Try to resist this temptation. Stretching out the divorce makes it more painful for everyone, especially children, if any. Divide up your property fairly; this will pay dividends in the long run. Perhaps you and your spouse can be friends again, later on. In any case, it is always best to do the right thing, and be reasonable.

If money is a major factor for you, it may be possible get some legal advice for free. Contact your community centre or find a self-help group in your area that can advise you. Or call your legal association to find out if you can get at least an initial consultation with a lawyer, for free.

During the divorce procedure itself, it is usually wise not to deal directly with your spouse. Have your lawyer present during negotiations, or leave it to him entirely. Direct communications between you and your soon-to-be ex at this point will often degenerate into an argument, or a shouting match. Even if it does not, you will have no record or proof of anything that was said or agreed to. You may say or agree to something that you should not have mentioned, or that will harm your interests. Your lawyer is there to protect you, even from yourself.

And now the biggie:MONEY. After the separation and divorce, you will be on your own. You will have to pay for everything yourself. So BEFORE the split, make a record of your finances, bank accounts and other investments. This will ensure that you get your fair share, and that your ex does not stash some cash in out-of-the-way places, hidden from your eyes. Keep an especially close eye on joint accounts. You may want to close them as soon as possible, or at least take your half... while you can.

Having said all that, the main point of your divorce is to get it over and done with, and to get on with your life. But, as I said above, it must be done properly, step by step, or it will come back to haunt you later.

Finally, if you should get discouraged by the whole idea of divorce and decide to try just once more for a reconciliation, good for you! Studies show that most breakups can be fixed, so you probably CAN get your ex back in spite of everything. All you need is a plan to follow. Watch this free video to learn more.

You do not have a plan? Well, I would hate to think you lost your chance for love and happiness with your ex because of that! Click here: => http://www-FixingBreakups.com/ to get more help. You will find the little psychological tricks that have helped so many others, and will surely help you too.

Good luck to you, and good loving to both you and your spouse!
Your friend, Jake Rancen

Original article

How to File a Divorce - Divorce Procedures

Before you file for divorce, you should exhaust every measure first to save your marriage, such as entering into counseling. Before you start divorce procedures, the courts will ask for evidence that you made all reasonable efforts to reconcile, and a certification from a counselor can help. There are a number of grounds which can be cited when filing for divorce, including adultery, separation without consent for at least four years or with consent for at least three years, desertion for at least two years and difficult behaviors such as spousal abuse and alcoholism, drug or gambling addiction.

The first step is to file all the necessary paperwork to the courts. This means that when you file for divorce, you will have to submit a writ of divorce accompanied by a statement of claim citing the grounds under which you are seeking divorce.

In addition, the spouse filing for divorce must also submit a proposal stating how any minor children of the union will be provided for after the divorce is finalized as well as a housing plan detailing how the shared domicile will be disposed of. Once these documents have been received by the courts, they will serve a notice of action to the respondent-spouse informing them that a divorce procedure has been initiated.

If the respondent has no objections to the grounds given, then the procedures will continue with a Status Conference scheduled by the court within six weeks from the respondent's declaration that he is not disputing the grounds. On the other hand, when you file for divorce, the respondent may question the grounds; in this case the spouses have to enter into court-mandated counseling until they reconcile or they decide that divorce is inevitable. In this case, they must file affidavits to this effect.

The final step is a three-month cooling-off period, which is considered a last-ditch effort by the courts to save the marriage. Before granting the divorce, the judge must be absolutely convinced that the union is beyond repair; to conclude the process, he or she will award a certificate of divorce. Both parties are free to wed again three months after the certificate has been awarded.

All in all, divorce procedures will take months or even more than a year depending on how long attempts at reconciliation will take. Taking this into consideration, do weigh the pros and cons carefully. Divorce should always be the last resort.

For those going through the big D, there are many resources out there that could help you alleviate the pain and pull through this difficult moment. For more details on legal advice, do refer to sgdivorce.the101guide.com

Original article

Divorce And What Happens Next

Divorce

Divorce is often a very unpleasant experience, but at the same time it can open up a whole world of new possibilities. It means the end of a marriage which you entered into expecting it to last the rest of your life - which is painful in itself. But unfortunately life doesn't always go to plan, and that's something we simply have to accept. This article will cover what divorce is and how it differs from separation, how you can go about getting a divorce and what happens after the dust settles.

What is Divorce?

Divorce is a process which legally ends a marriage. It effectively ends all legal obligations you have to your spouse which were put in place when you got married. That said, divorce can create legal obligations in its own right - for example, you may have to pay support money to your former spouse depending on your relative financial situations and your circumstances before your marriage.

This is different from legal separation. Legal separation allows you to live separately and effectively end your relationship, but in the eyes of the law you are still married. You'll have a court order which lays out your obligations to your spouse for the time you're legally separated. A legal separation is often used as a trial period so couples can see if they can work out their differences and decide if they want to move on to a divorce, which is a much more final legal move.

When you're legally separated you're still able to keep the medical and tax benefits that being married can bring, while still addressing issues like the division of assets and debt and child custody. If the legal separation is "successful" and you decide to follow it up with a divorce, often the precedents laid out by the legal separation agreement will simply be carried over to the divorce. In other words the same child custody and property division practices will be carried over.

How Do You Get a Divorce?

The rules surrounding filing for divorce differ from state to state. In general, the first step is to get and fill out the necessary legal forms, although you may want to talk with a lawyer before you do that to work out where you stand in terms of child custody, property, alimony and other important issues you're going to have to work out.

You may want to consider going through a legal separation if you're not entirely sure the problems in your marriage can't be overcome. Sometimes time apart can be enough to realize the benefits of your marriage outweigh any troubles you've been having. If you're absolutely certain problems can't be overcome (abusive behavior, for example) then you should proceed straight to filing for divorce.

If you want to avoid a court battle it's in your best interests to try to agree with your spouse on important issues like child support and property division (and trust me - legal battles are not pretty and are especially tough if you have children, so it's better to work things out peacefully). If you think you can work things out but you and your partner aren't really communicating, you can use a legal mediator to help you reach conclusions that work for both spouses.

What Happens After?

After the process is complete you'll have to live by the agreements you made for your divorce (or the rules imposed by a judge, if you and your spouse could not agree on different issues). This can be difficult if you have to give up property and access to your children to your spouse, but there is often a silver lining. Being single again can be an enjoyable experience if you approach it from a positive angle.

Ultimately it's important to remember that life goes on. If your spouse initiated the end of the marriage, try not to get stuck on trying to piece things back together - painful as it may be, your chances of repairing a marriage after a divorce are very slim. You're better off looking at the situation from a different perspective: that now you have the opportunity to find someone new who's an even better match for you.

Original article

Do's and Don'ts of Divorce

Many divorces go along smoothly, but when problems occur, they usually reflect the dynamics that didn't work in the marriage - only made worse, because divorce is one of the biggest crises you may go through. Emotions, especially fear and anger, are at their peak.There are definite pitfalls to avoid, and positive steps that can save your sanity and help you move on. All divorces are unique and vary depending on: 1. The marital relationship; 2. The reasons for the divorce; 3. Whether children are involved; and 4. Who initiated the divorce. Yet there are some common issues, largely based on mistaken beliefs and strong emotions.

Mistakes to Avoid

Unfortunately divorce is an adversarial process. It can be a mistake to assume your spouse has your best interests at heart during the divorce. Probably, he or she won't. I'm not suggesting you act out of anger, but you may be hurt and disappointed if you assume everything will be divided without anger and that you'll remain close friends. It's better to expect anger, but try not to react to it. Anger, jealousy, guilt, fear, and hurt can interfere with your judgment and escalate conflict. You may remain friends, but it takes a certain amount of energy to separate. Think of the tremendous force required to split the atom. At least one spouse generally gets angry to break up the marriage.

Obtain legal advice early, and find an experienced Family Law Specialist with trial experience. Listen to your attorney, but also listen to yourself. If you've had problems standing up for yourself in your marriage, find a strong attorney to stand up for you. Mediation can be an effective alternative if your communication with your spouse is good, but it's important to retain your own attorney to advise you of your rights. However, mediation is not advisable, if you get intimidated by your spouse or there was addiction or any abuse in the marriage.

Hopefully, you can at least be honest with each other, but often fear takes over, facts get hidden, and attorneys sometimes fuel conflict. Disclosure is the best approach, since deception or concealment is likely to backfire and breed resistance and contempt when the truth inevitably comes out. It's also a mistake to try to over-control everything out of fear or anger. It may be hard to accept that you won't get all you want, particularly if you're relinquishing some or a lot of control over your children. The pain of letting go can push spouses into angry, intransigent positions Yet it's possible to be assertive and still be kind.

Now's the time to take care of you and your children. It's a big mistake not to get enough support. Get all you can from lawyers, accountants, therapists, family, friends, and spiritual groups. You can't be there for your children if you're not getting your needs met. In fact, most parents emotionally neglect their children during divorce. The losses and changes you go through are so overwhelming and stressful that it's hard to be present for them, but they're really sad and scared, too. Even savvy teenagers. The teens are a vulnerable period, especially for boys. Spend quality alone time with each one of your children, and listen to them. Don't talk about your spouse or use them as confidants. That's very destructive. It's also a mistake to let children of any age decide with whom they want to live. Listen to their feelings, but make that decision with your husband. It's too big of a responsibility, even for a 17 year-old.

Another mistake is to take too much or too little time with the divorce. As discussed more extensively in my published article, Growing Through Divorce, there are four stages to divorce and the "emotional divorce" is the most pivotal and difficult. Rushing doesn't give you time to work through emotions that end up fueling legal battles. On the other hand, a divorce that drags on for years reflects that you haven't emotionally unbonded and need professional help to let go. After a divorce, the two biggest challenges are setting new boundaries with your ex and balancing grieving with moving forward in your life. If you haven't unbonded emotionally, there'll be a lot of reactivity and fights, or the reverse, insufficient boundaries and too much closeness that keep you from moving on.

Do's of Divorce:

1. Create a support and social network. This is important not only for support, but as part of building a new single lifestyle. Plan activities, take a class, or buy season tickets that force you to get out even when you don't feel like it. Avoid any temptation to isolate.

2. Engage competent legal counsel. Some states, including California, certify family law specialists.

3. Be assertive and courteous. Ask for what you need, and be willing to compromise.

4. Find your passion and learn something new about it. Take action. What you do today creates your future tomorrow.

5. Accept the reality that you're divorced and it's your responsibility to create happiness in your life. It's okay to be angry about it. That's part of acceptance.

6. Establish new, clear boundaries with your ex.

7. Journal and write daily things you did well. Also jot down and date small signs of healing - such as crying less, trying new things, socializing more.

Don't's of Divorce:

1. Expect your spouse to take care of your needs.

2. Make decisions based on your emotions.

3. Confide in or talk negatively to your children about your ex.

4. Lie, conceal, manipulate, or over-control.

5. Judge yourself. Negative self-talk is so destructive. It saps your energy, and can turn fatigue or sadness into hopelessness. Read my FREE Report, 10 Steps to Disarm the Critic: From Self-criticism into Self-esteem.

6. Ruminate about the past. Don't let depression take over. Get professional help if you feel stuck.

7. Wait for invitations on holidays, including your birthday. Unlike when you were married when your family honored your birthday, now you have to make plans in advance to honor yourself.

© Darlene Lancer, JD,MFT

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and life coach with a broad range of experience, working with individuals and couples for more than twenty-four years. Her focus is on helping individuals overcome obstacles to leading fuller lives, and helping couples enhance their communication, intimacy, and passion. She is a speaker, freelance writer, and maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA. For a FREE copy of Growing Through Divorce; or a FREE Special Report, 10 Steps to Disarm the Critic: From Self-Criticism to Self-Esteem, email me at info@darlenelancer.com or visit http://www.darlenelancer.com/.

Original article