Look How Far I've Journeyed

As we continue on the journey of moving past your divorce, there will be times when you'll be uncomfortable with your new single life. These are times when you need to reflect back on your journey and take a look at how far you've come since your divorce papers were notarized.

Moving beyond your divorce isn't all lollipops and sunshine. It can be a struggle to get into a new routine, and emotions are still on a rollercoaster.

It isn't that the new life is bad; it's just different.

We get so caught up in our day to day living that sometimes we lose perspective of what our life used to be like. It is a good and healthy thing to reflect back every now and then.

A couple of years ago I was in San Francisco at Fisherman's Wharf and was going to take the trolley back to my hotel on Nob Hill. The line for the trolley was over a one hour wait. I decided to walk up to Lombard Street to catch the trolley when people got off to walk the winding road. The walk to Lombard is only a few blocks, but it is a VERY steep walk...and all uphill.

I remember the struggle I had walking up the hill, and I'm a runner! I found myself stopping every now and then to catch my breath. When I got to Lombard Street I turned around to see where I had come from and was in awe of the majestic view of the San Francisco Bay with the clear blue skies awaiting me.

Looking back down the hill I couldn't believe how steep it was, and was amazed, that although my ascent was difficult how far I had actually walked. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment and was grateful for the reward of the amazing view of the city that was my reward.

I couldn't help but think that this was so much like my journey moving from my divorce, into a new life. I struggled with it step by step, uphill for a while, adjusting to my new life. Occasionally I took rest with my friends who gave me comfort and assurance that my journey was worthwhile.

Then that day came when I reached the point where I realized that I was comfortable with my new single life...I was in awe and a felt a huge sense of accomplishment.

I occasionally think back to my early days (post-divorce) and was amazed at how far I've journeyed. Because of my struggles I have a deep appreciation for the woman that I've become. I also have a deep sense of gratitude to those who have helped me along my journey. Today I LIVE my life, and love it!

Please comment and share with me where you are at on your journey. I would love to hear from you.

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About the Author

Debbi Dickinson coaches divorced women to move past their divorce and create a new life for themselves mixing spiritual strategy with time tested proven tools. Debbi invites you to take advantage a Free 5-Day Video Guide that outlines some of these tools. http://www.steppingintojoy.com/

Original article

Surviving Divorce or Saving Your Marriage

Surviving divorce or saving your marriage; is that a trick question or is it a real option? After all, if we're already looking at divorce, isn't it too late to save our marriage? The answer to that question is really in your hands - yours and your spouse's.

Three of the top causes for divorce are: lack of communication, lack of commitment and wrong expectations. Now look at what our society is teaching us today through the media. In today's society, we are conditioned to see things happen fast. We expect immediate gratification. The television commercials tell us to rush right out and buy the newest hot item. Not only that, today's culture encourages us to "trade-in," recycle, upgrade or replace just about everything in our life.

So it looks like there isn't much encouraging us to stay in a marriage that has seen some bumpy roads. If it's tattered, don't fix it, replace it.

Now let's look at the other side. First, if you are like most people, you had some deep feelings for each other. You loved each other, or you thought you did. Being together made you happy. You probably made plans for the future together. You may even have children together.

What happened to change all that? Some of the other causes of divorce include money problems, sex problems, cheating, addictions and "little things." Most of these are related to the three we mentioned above: lack of communication, lack of commitment and wrong expectations. If you had been committed to each other and communicating, the other things might not have happened or they could be solved together. What were your expectations of your spouse and for your marriage?

Here's a bit of reality for you from someone who has been through divorce and has helped others survive; surviving divorce is painful - maybe more painful than saving your marriage. There might still be time to save your marriage.

Last effort to save your marriage

First sit down by yourself and ask yourself some questions (and answer them). Here are a few to get you started:
Whose idea is the divorce?Is one of you having an affair or cheating?Do you want to save the marriage?Does your spouse want to save the marriage?Are you two able to talk together?Could you do anything to save the marriage?Could your spouse do anything to save the marriage?

Do you want to try to save the marriage? If so, try to sit down with your spouse and have an honest discussion. If you are both willing to sit down and analyze the marriage, you may be able to save your marriage. And if not, be prepared for the task of surviving divorce. Consider sitting down with a neutral third party if necessary, like a marriage counselor or clergy person.

Whatever your decision is, I wish you lots of love, luck and happiness.

Mel Weiss is an author who specializes in divorce and business problems. You can check out his latest website at Surviving Divorce, where he provides pain-saving articles and advice for several divorce related issues, including Save the Marriage, How to Divorce, Attorney Fees, Children Surviving Divorce and more.

Original article

Holiday Custody Schedules Promote Peace Between Divorced Parents

Celebrating a holiday can leave you feeling stressed, but that strain can become magnified when you are a divorced parent trying to juggle your children's holiday custody schedule.

The possibility of spending a special day without your children, or for less time than you are used to, can stir up emotions of loss and anger. However, with a proper holiday custody schedule within your parenting plan, you can minimize frustration and develop strategies so that you, the other parent and your children can have a good time

Tips For Smooth Holidays

Here are 6 strategies to approaching the holidays with your children after your divorce:

Create a holiday custody schedule in advance.Don't count on you and the other parent to just work it out when it comes to visitation over the holidays. A detailed plan that outlines everything from where the children will be each day to the times and dates of transfers between your homes will keep things smooth and low conflict.
Make plans for your entire holiday. Keep yourself busy when your children are not with you so you don't dwell on their absence. Schedule something that is fun, relaxing and fulfilling for you. It could be something like gathering with extended family or trying something completely new.
Preserve old traditions. Even though your family has changed over the last year, you can still hold onto holiday traditions that are meaningful for you and your family. While you may not be able to do exactly the same things as in the past, keeping traditions as part of your holiday will help your children honor their heritage.
Create new traditions. The holidays are a perfect time to experiment with fun rituals that can lead to new family traditions. It's a way to reassure your children that changes to your holidays aren't automatically a bad thing. Involve your children in choosing new traditions.
Stay in touch. Make plans to communicate with your children on the holiday itself if they are not with you. Spend a few minutes with them via a phone call, a video chat or a short note for your children to open. Making contact with your children will help you both cope with being apart and keep the connection between you strong.
Keep it real. Don't feel like you have to overcompensate on activities, presents, outings and fun times now that you are divorced and sharing holidays with the other parent. Keep the holidays realistic and don't set such lofty holiday goals for yourself and your children. Remember that meaningful, fun family time is what children need most.

Always Put Your Children First

Negotiating a holiday visitation schedule can be tricky for parents, but your children may feel stressed and anxious when they don't know what to expect. You can ease your children's fears by making sure they understand the upcoming schedule.

Create a color-coded calendar that clearly shows where the children will be at what time and day. Help your children count down the days and talk about some of the events that will happen during the holiday. Go over the upcoming schedule over and over until they feel comfortable with it.

The most important thing you can do to help your children manage the holidays successfully is to ensure they don't feel guilt or sadness about leaving you. Never tell your children that you will be lonely, upset or sad that they are gone-they should not shoulder the responsibility of thinking they are the cause of your unhappiness. Instead, be positive and let them know they will be missed, but that you will be fine. Encourage your children to have fun with the other parent and that you can't wait to hear all about it.

Your children deserve to spend quality time with both parents, and that includes time during the holidays. Whether you've got a long winter break or a fun-filled summer festival coming up, your primary role is to make memories with your children. Creating a comprehensive holiday custody schedule can help you and the other parent focus on that task rather than placing your children in the middle of a battle every holiday.

Create customized holiday custody schedules using Custody X Change, an award-winning custody software. It allows you to enter in your holiday schedule, then organizes the information into a color-coded calendar you can print out or upload to your mobile devices. Use Custody X Change to make sample holiday custody schedules in a parenting plan to use for a custody hearing or mediation session.

Original article

What Is a Successful Divorce?

I think one of the main problems with the collective, mass media messaging about divorce is that divorce is most often characterized or reported as a fight. (See War of the Roses, Kramer v. Kramer, and most celebrity divorces reported in the press). The problem with this characterization is that fights have winners and losers.

I know it is rare for separating spouses to measure success in the amount of money they walk away with; despite initially thinking that success would be measured this way. Nor do separating couples measure success by how badly, deeply and truly they can hurt the other; despite an initial impulse do exact emotional payback. One of the main problems with the mass media's take on divorce is its characterization as a fight. See War of the Roses, the fight is finally fatal. In Kramer v. Kramer, one parent is valorized and the other demonized. It is, of course, the "hero" - Dustin Hoffman - who wins.

The starkness of "right" and "wrong" is striking in its lack of nuance.

I think we can do better than that in the context of divorce. What if we, as a society, imagined divorce differently? Divorce should be looked at the same way a company is viewed by consultants advising it on restructuring-logically, semi-detached, with an eye on what is best for the bottom line. In a corporate setting the bottom line is money. Now ask yourself, what is your bottom-line? Is your bottom line, setting up a plan which supports successful co-parenting? Or is it more of a financial and emotional reason?

Here's some 5 tips to help you define the "success" of your divorce.

1. Trade in Black and White for Grey.

The problem with characterizing a divorce as a fight with winners and losers is that it creates winners and losers. We can do better than that. Think hard about what ultimate success means to you. Think of divorce as a family matter with a legal element, not a lawsuit that happens to be about a family.Think about how the execution of the divorce will affect the dynamic in the family; mediation and other collaborative solutions are not right for every family. Learn how to determine if a collaborative process is right for you.

2. Always ask "and how much will that cost?"

It is one thing to be told you can 'get $X in court'; it is another to have an honest conversation about the process involved in getting it. Remember to ask your advisors "and how much will that suggestion cost in time, money and emotional fallout".

3. Always consider your B.A.T.N.A.

In every negotiation, including the multiple negotiations that occur in the context of the dissolution of a marriage, there is a "B.A.T.N.A" to consider. The BATNA is the parties' best alternative to a negotiated agreement. In divorce, the BATNA is an adversarial proceeding in which a judge decides how your very personal future is going to look. The risk you take when you give a stranger the power to decide your future is that you may well not like that future very much. You have to live with it while the Judge who decided it, or the lawyer who negotiated it, simply moves on to the next case.

There is also a whole lot of possible collateral damage to litigated outcome; financial, emotional, possible negative effects on your kids. What if we, as a society, imagined divorce differently?

4. Family Restructuring

Divorce can be looked at the same way a company is viewed by consultants advising it on restructuring: logically, semi-detached,with an eye on what is best for the bottom line. In a corporate setting the bottom line is money. But in a divorce, the bottom line is often different. What if the bottom line in a divorce was setting up a plan forward which supported successful co-parenting? What if divorce was actually about the financial, emotional and physical restructuring of a family? And what if the reason for that restructuring was to support post-divorce co-parenting?

5. Keep your eye on the prize: The Kids

Why is this so important? Because the latest studies show that kids who are exposed to the least amount of parental conflict do the best long term. Kids who have divorced parents who have a low conflict co-parenting relationship are shown to be vulnerable to the "bad stuff" (drug abuse, suicide, low self-esteem etc...) at the same rate or level as kids from households with low conflict married parents. High conflict post-divorce parenting causes that vulnerability to skyrocket.

That's why we can and should imagine divorce in a different way, our kids deserve it.

And, so do we.

Going through Divorce and need expert advice? Start Over Smart Divorce Expo can help: http://startoversmartny.com/

Cara Raich is a member of the Start Over Smart Divorce Expo's Advisory Board.

Original article