Very rare is a divorce, separation, breakup, whatever your experiencing neat and clean. Most often there are items shared and common interests to tend to. On the short end of the time table, joint bank accounts, real estate, or even a joint business will need to continue long after your relationship has ended. Of course the obvious and most common shared interest is sharing custody of children.
For those lucky few who get a clean break after a separation or divorce this article won't apply. But for the rest of us who have to continue dealing with our ex month after month, or even worse year after year - here are 5 strategies to help you survive.
1. Let it go - What has happened has happened and what is done is done. I once read an interesting quote that said "holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head". I find this to be extremely common when dealing with the pain of separation. After all, this person who you once loved so much is now the source of your greatest pain. However, whatever happened no longer matters. Holding a grudge or being angry will only cause you to suffer and allow your ex to retain emotional control over you, so LET IT GO!
2. Set new boundaries - Boundaries in any relationship are important. We all have a certain set of boundaries with our friends, family, and those we associate with. However, now you need to make room for a new category and new set of boundaries for your ex. This is tricky as what you are doing is actually shifting the boundaries from what you once had to where they need to be. Before your separation your ex was most likely your closest companion. Everything was shared including your greatest victories as well as your most challenging defeats.
In this new situation of creating boundaries it is always best to take the less is more approach. Although you once shared everything with your ex, you must now only share details as it pertains to your common interest. This will be tough to do, especially once the hurt and anger diminish. If boundaries are not set, it is extremely easy to fall back into old habits of trust and communication that could potentially leave you hurting again.
3. Lower expectations (for them) - Expectations are a tricky subject as one should never expect something of someone. When you expect something to go your way, or for someone to handle a situation the way you would handle it, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
I know this may sound harsh and believe me I truly believe in the good of the human spirit. But expecting too much of someone with whom you have a past history is a recipe for disaster. When you are in a relationship and things don't go as expected, you are afforded the luxury of fluid conversation in which you have an opportunity to explain your position, be heard, and attempt to resolve the situation. When dealing with an ex, this luxury is very rarely afforded to you and will most often end up creating an unnecessary argument.
So relax a little and go with the flow. Certain items aren't as important as they once were as this person should no longer have priority and control over your emotions.
4. Don't cross that line - I feel that this point shouldn't even need to be discussed as we should all know better, but for the sake of understanding the patterns following a breakup I want to make it clear. Don't cross that line! You know exactly what line I am talking about.
The process of separation often follows a predictable pattern. Unfortunately, one of those patterns is the human need to reach out for security or something familiar when we are emotionally vulnerable. As you move on and begin to heal, set boundaries, and streamline communication with your ex - It can become very confusing emotionally as to how you feel about them. Your new relationship may almost start to feel like a friendship or even a new beginning for the two of you.
This can become very dangerous territory as you may start to feel as if it ended prematurely or that there is potential for a second chance. If this is the case I would highly suggest seeking professional counseling to help you sort out these emotions in order to determine if the relationship has evolved or if you are simply looking to go back to something familiar for other reasons.
I don't know much, but I do know that if I place my hand on a hot iron and it gets burned, I don't place it back on the iron for a second burn.
5. Look ahead but not behind - Moving forward and starting a new life is one of the scariest journeys you will ever have to take. Starting over is difficult and is filled with numerous challenges. But, just as anything in life, the rewards far outweigh the challenges. I have known far too many people who stayed in miserable relationships for 10, 20, 30, 40, and even 50 years because they were held captive by their own fear.
Whether you initiated this separation or it was placed upon you, it no longer matters. The fact is that you are where you are in your life and you need to push forward. The journey may be difficult but the rewards of living a free and fulfilling life far outweigh the cost.
So enjoy the journey and embrace this as your temporary home knowing that a better life is yours for the taking.
Respectfully,
Jason
Visit my blog for more Breakup Recovery Strategies - http://www.breakuprecoveryblog.com/
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