Recently, I attended classes of co-parenting required by the State of Massachusetts for couples seeking a divorce. It was the last step in a long list of activities required to divorce and I was looking forward to this have behind me. However, I did was not prepared for the assault of the conviction and of shame which have followed the first class.
After 2.5 hours of statistics, extracts of videos from the 1980s and information on the harmful effects of divorce on children, I've dragged myself home, you wonder what I did to my children. I guarantee a life of misery and pain? Irreparably damaged them? Robbed of their chance to be happy and well-adjusted adults? I poured more far in my depression hole where I had been living since the signing of the agreement of my divorce.
Then, a few days later, Renee asked me, "so I wonder if it really is the message of the class, or if what you heard?"
This small voice of reason withdrew me from the darkness. Can there be any other way? Just because some people have a contentious relationship with their ex and breed of destruction in their wake, which does not mean that I have. Maybe I can be open and stay focused on co-parenting, regardless of my feelings towards my ex? And, perhaps, there is hope for my children to become mature, loving, fully functional and equipped with adults?
The second class, I have come to the determination to stay positive. I wanted to learn how to avoid perpetuating negative stereotypes of divorce. We had a different instructor for this class, one who had been divorced itself. It shares some inspiring reminders to help us stay on track and to limit the adverse effects of this experience on our children:
1 I will love my children more that I hate or return my ex.
2. I welcome and help my child to love both parents.
3. The only person that I can change it is me! (I need to be held responsible for my words and acts). (I'll take the road).
4 When my children are with me, it's my time to their parent. I will allow the limits with love and will not be a Disney Dad or MOM Mall.
5. I am never made as a parent. It's my job to stay connected to my children.
It recalls to concentrate on my children. Parenting is not me, or what happened with my marriage or I think of my Raising children exodus is to do what is best for them: Cook vegetables, requiring gloves and a hat in the winter or summer sun screen, cordially communicating about issues with an ex parents and keep the child out of the environment.
Then perhaps the parenting workshop accomplished what it was intended to do: remember that to be the best parent I can be, I need to stay focused on what is best for my children, these two people little I like most in the world. I can be angry, disappointed and scared, but necessary to correctly display front of them (save the bitter retorts for when I am away from them). And when I am struggling to remain within these limits, I'll know that I must do a more personal work to ensure that my children come through the divorce happy, healthy and safe in the love of both parents.
Meg Gehan is the Director of marketing for a travel Consulting. For more information on workshops, télé-formatrice and pensions adapted to help you heal your divorce or to develop authentic relationships, visit http://www.onejourneyconsulting.com/.
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