One of the words more difficult to hear of your spouse is the application that you separate for a while or possible even divorce. Sometimes these words are expected, but they are never fully realized while other times these words take you by surprise. It is difficult to hear and even more difficult to understand the reason why the separation is necessary as the most obvious reason is often not the real reason. Try to understand everything before you move can be a fruitless process as you may not be the case with the complete truth. However, if you open you and work beyond the pain, this can be a time for growth and healing.
Get the thought. Your time is spent better not make a list of faults and failures, more than likely if they wanted to know your thoughts, your spouse would be applied. They can most likely already know what you think, and are not interested to be reminded of their failures. Instead focus your energy on them, you are far better to focus your energy on yourself and what you can change. You cannot change your spouse, otherwise they would be a different person now and you would not be in this position, but you can change yourself.
Get real. Do an inventory to a list of your strengths and weaknesses. Do not leave your spouse or other persons from the list, instead compile the list yourself. Once you have made the list and then take a few days off the coast and reassess the list adding and subtracting the need. Having a better perspective of you to see things differently and perhaps highlights some of your failures in marriage.
Get personal. Identify the areas that you have failed in your marriage and take responsibility for your faults. This is the time to ask forgiveness for the mistakes of those that that you have tarnished, but of God and yourself as well. It is an extremely difficult process and should be done carefully without waiting for the results. It is not a time to compare faults and determine which faults are worse; It is rather a time to solve your problems.
Move. Sitting around to feeling sorry for yourself will not help the situation. Your life has changed and it can be a permanent or temporary change but nevertheless it has changed. You need to adapt to your new situation, new environment and new reality as soon as possible. One of the best ways is to try a new exercise routine, volunteer in a shelter for homeless, or help a friend with their problem. By doing something for someone else, you can gain a better perspective on your own life.
Although this list may not prevent you from feeling sad or depressed because of the separation, it can help you change your attention off the coast of your spouse and yourself more positively. However, prolonged depression should be discussed with a health professional or a counsellor. You can change and you can grow even through some of the most difficult moments in your life.
Chris Hammond is a registered Mental Health Counselor intern to LifeWorks group with more than 15 years of experience as an Advisor, mentor & the Professor for children, adolescents & adults.
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