Why are people getting divorced? And why is it happening more often in today's day and age? In some states, it is extremely easy to get a divorce. In others, they require you to wait a certain amount of time living separate before making a permanent decision. Personally, I wish every state made you wait as well as require you to get counseling. I truly believe that living separately for a period of time would save many marriages. Since there is no waiting period is most states, and the states accept any reason for divorcing, it has become the norm to walk away from your spouse.
After researching divorce for the past year, I have found some interesting facts about why people divorce and how the reasons differ in young marriages and long-term marriages. In general, the most common reasons for divorce, in no particular order, are poor communication, financial problems, lack of commitment, household duties and obligations, infidelity, time spent together, and lack of intimacy. It is fairly easy to decipher which reasons tend to affect the younger marriages. Nowadays, young couples work ridiculously long hours, which makes time together scarce. Financial problems also play a big role in divorce in younger couples due to the fact that they are just starting out with buying a new home, furnishing the home, and starting a family. Poor communication is a factor as well since a couple has not matured together and are still adjusting to living with another person. They tend to make decisions without consulting their partner which can cause very big problems as well.
I've found that in long-term marriages, the number one reason for fighting is due to a lack of communication. This lack of communication, in turn, leads to infidelity, alienation and lack of intimacy. It's clear to see that the lack of communication is the root of all evil, whether it is a young or long-term marriage.
I would like to stay on the topic of communication and what a huge role it plays in a relationship. It is amazing how many marriages could be saved if couples would just LISTEN to each other. Some couples claim to be listening, but what I have witnessed during my sessions with them is that they are not listening at all but waiting to talk. If you are waiting to talk, then it is impossible to absorb what your partner is saying. There is no listening involved. Sadly, I find that both partners are doing the same thing. This is where I stop the conversation and try my 8 Step Program, which seems to be very effective in resolving disputes. But it is not easy. It takes a lot of time and effort to get to a point where you can openly listen to your partner and understand what it is they are trying to express.
I can't emphasize enough how important communication is between partners. All problems stem from lack of communication. Infidelity doesn't just happen. There are reasons why people stray. Being ignored by your spouse and avoiding intimacy may just drive them into the arms of another person. A lack of respect is a very big blow to a man's ego; therefore, they try to find it through someone else. A woman needs to feel loved, but if her husband doesn't tell her that he loves her or doesn't show affection, she may find it with another man. In order to avoid those situations, you need to talk and express your feelings. The fear of doing that for both partners is rejection or criticism. In the past you've tried to express how you feel, but you were put down or ignored, so you found that it was much easier to just keep your thoughts and feelings and anger to yourself. This anger and hurt grows and grows until you stop communicating altogether. And that's when infidelity happens.
We must remember that we are supposed to be able to tell our partners anything. We are to trust and love each other enough to tell them when something is bothering us, and we must do it before it festers and becomes impossible to communicate what we are feeling. There has to be a time where you need to roleplay. It is the only way you can even come close to imagining what your partner is feeling and thinking. And it also gives you a chance to understand where they are coming from. Our egos are so big during a fight that neither partner wants to give in. No one is right or wrong when it comes to feelings. So there's no contest to win. Feelings are valid in both partners and they should be appreciated by both. No one is perfect. Your partner might have faults or habits or tics that you just cannot stand. But do you really think they are doing it on purpose? Your partner may be saying the same thing about you. You might have bad habits, faults or tics that annoy them. Wouldn't you want them to understand that you are not doing things on purpose to make them mad? You both should be accepting each other for who you are. Why would you want a spouse who is exactly like you? You will never find a perfect match. You were attracted to your spouse for who they are, not because you thought they were exactly like you. Change is very hard. We are who we are. If you are with someone thinking you will change them, or you go into a marriage thinking you will change them once you get married, you are in for a big surprise. It won't happen. So either accept them for face value, or find a way to get help for yourself because your ego has gone into overdrive.
My suggestion is to stop making excuses. Any problem can be solved with communication and compromise. Take my advice, which comes from first hand experience, if you are contemplating a divorce, take time to think about it. Separate for a short time if you need and seek guidance. Counseling is not for the weak. It is for the smart and strong and dedicated. It is not a weakness to ask for help. It is noble. If you absolutely cannot work out your problems, then seek the options I've written about in this article. Try counseling, positive guidance coaching, or separation before making that FINAL decision of divorce. Don't do something you will regret. Regret is not fun to live with.
I am always available for guidance and help in your marriage or partnership. Please don't hesitate to call and work on the problem immediately before it gets too far out of control and you make a decision you will regret. My goal is to stop divorce one session at a time. A happy and blessed marriage to all of you. Keep fighting. It's worth it!
Blessings, Coach Lisa, CTACC
http://www.lifecoachlisa.com
440-856-3670
Blessings, Coach Lisa
LifeCoachLisa
http://www.lifecoachlisa.com/
440-856-3670
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