Children are the innocents in a divorce, often aware that there is a bad atmosphere at home, their parents are arguing and unhappy, but often unsure as to what to do about it. Children sometimes wonder if they are to blame for the parental rows. They may wonder if they have been badly behaved, didn't do well at school or in some way caused upset which has resulted in their parents becoming unhappy and arguing.
That is why it's so important to consider the children when you decide to divorce.
- You both continue to be the children's parents after the divorce so committing to maintain a respectful, polite relationship is important. There are always going to be some areas that will require co-parenting after the divorce so remaining civil, if not amicable helps the process continue in the most effective way.
- Tell the children about the divorce together. Young children don't need too much detail, just enough to reassure them that they are not to blame and that their lives will continue similar to before. Children want to know how changes will affect them; their schooling, home and friends are their world. They need to know how those areas will be affected and that they will be able to speak to the absent parent whenever they want to.
- Questions need to be respected. Children may have lots of questions, some of which may well be distressing to their parents. Sometimes they may repeat the same questions, out of anger, frustration, confusion. They may want their parents to reconcile so that life can return to normal. Patience, understanding and honesty are important, as is not giving them false hope.
- Continuity matters to children. Often grandparents can give invaluable support at this time as they are often able to provide a loving, stable environment, whilst being able to see the bigger picture. Grandparents can provide quality childcare, often have the time available and the loving desire to see the children safe and settled. Home surroundings are important too. If there is a need to move home let children have a say in the decor of their new bedroom, keep some familiar things around them, try to maintain contact with friends and family.
- Collaborative law is an area that is becoming increasingly accepted as a more humane way of getting divorced. It requires both parties to agree to keep the divorce out of court and allows for discussion and negotiation to determine the best way to end the marriage. Each party has their own team; a lawyer, counsellor, mediator, financial adviser, as required, to ensure that the split is handled in a fair way. This method keeps the agreements private and allows for less acrimony as each stage is discussed and agreed a step at a time. Matters concerning the children are able to be dealt with together through round the table talks.
Divorce entails two people who used to love each other bringing their marriage to an end. That in itself is distressing enough, but when children are involved it makes the situation more delicate. Even older children can be badly affected when their parents decide to divorce. Young children need extra consideration. Finding the best ways to manage the situation for the children is a crucial part of breaking up with sensitivity.
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.
Further help, advice and articles are available.
For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net/
No comments:
Post a Comment