When you realize it is time to get divorced, you have to learn a whole new language. And if you've made this realization first, you are probably the one who wants out. You need help. There are a lot of books available, but they are too long and too much work to read. Trust me, I bought them all and didn't end up using one. As a soon to be single mom, the last thing I wanted to add to my to-do list was reading a big stack of text books.
The most important question you have to ask yourself is really, "How long do I want this to take?" Mediation is supposed to be the easier, friendlier, less expensive path. There is even another (yes, another!) book out there written specifically to convince you to stick with mediation. I've also been told that if you file and use lawyers, the only ones who win are the lawyers. I beg to differ, and here's why (and I am NOT a lawyer):
Mediation can delay your divorce, significantly. Mediation means that you are hiring someone to help you and your spouse agree on your own, to terms of the divorce. If you are divorcing, it is unlikely that you agree on getting divorced in the first place let alone exactly who gets which holidays with the kids, how much money everyone gets, where everyone will live, or who gets the house (or all the money in it). What will happen is that you'll make repeat visits to the mediator's office with no firm timeline in place to solidify your desired freedom. When you file, your spouse has firm deadlines and a responsibility to the court. Any fooling around will only hurt their case, so they will start to follow the process. You will get a court date, and you will get your divorce.
Mediation also allows your spouse to play games. Your spouse will not have any responsibility to anyone to do anything. The ones who want to marriage to live are not going to be jumping through any hoops to make the end near. You will find that after months of meetings, you are basically nowhere. If you file, they lose their control over the situation, and over you.
Divorce is never easy and it is heartbreaking whether you are initiating it or not. You did love this person once, and now that is over, at least in the romantic sense. Whatever you do, make sure you take care of yourself emotionally and physically.
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