5 Tips for Getting Along With Your Ex After Divorce

Very rare is a divorce, separation, breakup, whatever your experiencing neat and clean. Most often there are items shared and common interests to tend to. On the short end of the time table, joint bank accounts, real estate, or even a joint business will need to continue long after your relationship has ended. Of course the obvious and most common shared interest is sharing custody of children.

For those lucky few who get a clean break after a separation or divorce this article won't apply. But for the rest of us who have to continue dealing with our ex month after month, or even worse year after year - here are 5 strategies to help you survive.

1. Let it go - What has happened has happened and what is done is done. I once read an interesting quote that said "holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head". I find this to be extremely common when dealing with the pain of separation. After all, this person who you once loved so much is now the source of your greatest pain. However, whatever happened no longer matters. Holding a grudge or being angry will only cause you to suffer and allow your ex to retain emotional control over you, so LET IT GO!

2. Set new boundaries - Boundaries in any relationship are important. We all have a certain set of boundaries with our friends, family, and those we associate with. However, now you need to make room for a new category and new set of boundaries for your ex. This is tricky as what you are doing is actually shifting the boundaries from what you once had to where they need to be. Before your separation your ex was most likely your closest companion. Everything was shared including your greatest victories as well as your most challenging defeats.

In this new situation of creating boundaries it is always best to take the less is more approach. Although you once shared everything with your ex, you must now only share details as it pertains to your common interest. This will be tough to do, especially once the hurt and anger diminish. If boundaries are not set, it is extremely easy to fall back into old habits of trust and communication that could potentially leave you hurting again.

3. Lower expectations (for them) - Expectations are a tricky subject as one should never expect something of someone. When you expect something to go your way, or for someone to handle a situation the way you would handle it, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I know this may sound harsh and believe me I truly believe in the good of the human spirit. But expecting too much of someone with whom you have a past history is a recipe for disaster. When you are in a relationship and things don't go as expected, you are afforded the luxury of fluid conversation in which you have an opportunity to explain your position, be heard, and attempt to resolve the situation. When dealing with an ex, this luxury is very rarely afforded to you and will most often end up creating an unnecessary argument.

So relax a little and go with the flow. Certain items aren't as important as they once were as this person should no longer have priority and control over your emotions.

4. Don't cross that line - I feel that this point shouldn't even need to be discussed as we should all know better, but for the sake of understanding the patterns following a breakup I want to make it clear. Don't cross that line! You know exactly what line I am talking about.

The process of separation often follows a predictable pattern. Unfortunately, one of those patterns is the human need to reach out for security or something familiar when we are emotionally vulnerable. As you move on and begin to heal, set boundaries, and streamline communication with your ex - It can become very confusing emotionally as to how you feel about them. Your new relationship may almost start to feel like a friendship or even a new beginning for the two of you.

This can become very dangerous territory as you may start to feel as if it ended prematurely or that there is potential for a second chance. If this is the case I would highly suggest seeking professional counseling to help you sort out these emotions in order to determine if the relationship has evolved or if you are simply looking to go back to something familiar for other reasons.

I don't know much, but I do know that if I place my hand on a hot iron and it gets burned, I don't place it back on the iron for a second burn.

5. Look ahead but not behind - Moving forward and starting a new life is one of the scariest journeys you will ever have to take. Starting over is difficult and is filled with numerous challenges. But, just as anything in life, the rewards far outweigh the challenges. I have known far too many people who stayed in miserable relationships for 10, 20, 30, 40, and even 50 years because they were held captive by their own fear.

Whether you initiated this separation or it was placed upon you, it no longer matters. The fact is that you are where you are in your life and you need to push forward. The journey may be difficult but the rewards of living a free and fulfilling life far outweigh the cost.

So enjoy the journey and embrace this as your temporary home knowing that a better life is yours for the taking.

Respectfully,
Jason

Visit my blog for more Breakup Recovery Strategies - http://www.breakuprecoveryblog.com/

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Trust - Part 1

Studies have suggested that we need to embrace the possibility of distrust, disappointment and even betrayal as an integral part of trust. Trust is not without risk. A divorce can evaporate our trust in everyone and that makes life really hard because we feel isolated.

So how does this effect divorce survival and recovery? At the level of survival we need to recognize that trust is a composite of many values or traits such as reliability, authenticity, respect, compassion and integrity. When we see these qualities in another it may be reasonable to trust them at least to some extent. Time will tell. I believe that most people really try to be worthy of trust. Some aren't trust worthy by nature. What you can trust is that people will always do what they think is in their best interest.

On the recovery side unless you want to be alone and have only causal relationships you have to open your heart becoming somewhat vulnerable again. If we don't take a risk then we don't have a chance to get the reward. When we are willing and strong enough to risk we need to allow for the possibility of an unpleasant outcome. We do this with the hope that there will be a rewarding or promising ending. Some definitions of trust suggest that it is the "social glue" that hold relationships together. I have some doubts about this and believe that trust is a social skill much like emotional intelligence. Trusting is something we do by choice and we are responsible for making a personal commitment with a goal or condition in mind.

Trust is built over time, through association and starts with small disclosures with which we test the reactions of others. We then measure whether they seem to be reliable and honest in nature and we see enough in them to feel safe to share and open with the conviction that they will meet our expectations. What is sometimes overlooked is that if we don't trust ourselves it is very hard to trust anyone else.

If we lack good self-esteem or lack confidence in ourselves we will likely have trust issues. What we feel on the inside we see on the outside. To develop trust in ourselves we need to have faith and belief in our thinking process and judgment. That may mean some change in our belief system is required. In addition we need to trust our emotions and our capacity to control our moods and reactions. Once you know what's needed you can start moving toward it.

"When we trust ourselves or risk trusting in another, doors open. It's up to us to make sure that the door that opens isn't to an empty elevator shaft". Howard Williams

Most of my working life has been involved in helping people in crisis and life transitions. I started as a street cop where I learned to deal calmly with difficult and explosive situations. After graduating from college I left the PD and went to the largest independent insurance adjusting company in the world. Along the way I spent 6 years as a shift supervisor with a large crisis center handling suicides, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol issues, rape, incest and people with codependency issues. In 1999 I completed a 2 year program to be a life coach and specialize in crisis issues like divorce.

To get FREE resources please go to http://www.realisticcoaching.com/ at the end of the Products area.

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Co-Parenting With Conflict: What Can You Do?

Is the conflict between you and your ex high conflict, or more of a tense, uncomfortable, defensive feeling every time you have to interact with him or her? Not only is conflict exhausting and emotionally draining, it is not healthy for you or your kids.

When one or both parents choose to engage in negative behavior in front of their kids, it is self-indulgent and self-destructive. It is not your children's fault that you and your ex decided to divorce. Your children do not want to be put in the middle of your conflict with your ex, I applaud you for seeking solutions to co-parenting without conflict.

When parents divorce, no matter what, your children's best interest must come first. Your children have one biological mom and one biological dad. They see themselves as part or their mom and part of their dad. When your children see you and/or your ex in a negative light, they assume that negative behavior is part of who they are, too.

As a parent, you need to take the High Road and make sacrifices for your children. Regardless of the other parent, you can only be responsible for your actions, choices and words. So, let's assume that you are a loving, caring parent that wants to do what is best for your children. You are frustrated and exhausted from trying to co-parent with your ex, he or she may be angry, wanting to leverage the kids to try and "win," always negative, degrading or demeaning to you. It could be that sometimes he or she is nice and the next minute un-co-operative. Maybe it is the unpredictable, not knowing what to expect each time you interact with your ex that keeps you on edge.

Let's focus on what you can do to take the High Road and be an effective co-parent:

1. Choose not to burden your children with issues and circumstances that they cannot control.

2. Choose to put your personal feelings about your ex aside and refuse to bad mouth him/her or engage in negative communication with him/her in front of your children. This includes not bad mouthing your ex with family or friends when your children are present, or might hear, see or learn about the comments.

3. Not to allow your children to speak poorly of the other parent.

4. Set boundaries. Decide you will not engage in negative communication or behavior with your ex. Simply let him/her know that you will not discuss the matter at this time, in front of the children. If the children are not present, you can let him/her know that they can send you an email, providing it concerns a decision to be made about the children.

Communicating through email dilutes the emotion. When responding to emails, only respond to the specific issues concerning the children and ignore irrelevant comments or accusations. Keep your responses diplomatic, to the point, without judgment or criticism. As tempting as it may be to defend yourself or set the record straight, stick to the details of the decision at hand.

5. Try to sit down with your ex, putting all differences aside, and create a plan (prepare an agenda of what you will discuss) that focuses on meeting the needs of your children. I would suggest asking a neutral party to be present to keep you focused on the plan, and offer an objective view or opinion.

If you have issues with the way parenting is going, this would be a time to discuss those issues, staying focused on the kids best interest, using "I" statements and not "You" statements. Be prepared to give valid reasons to support your point of view. Be open to listening to your exes point of view. You both may have different views and that doesn't mean that one of you is right and the other one is wrong. This is not about winning.

Just like with your kids, you need to choose your battles with your ex. Determine which parenting issues are most important to you, where you can bend or compromise, and the ones you are willing to let go.

6. As part of your plan, discuss boundaries for your new relationship as co-parents. This is something divorced couples often fail to do, transition into a co-parenting relationship. What do you want your relationship as co-parents to be, or look like?

7. Realize that how you interact with your ex is teaching your children how to act in difficult relationships. Treat your ex how you would like them to treat you. Remember that your kids are watching and learning from you. What do you want them to learn about stressed relationships and how to handle them?

Children should never be put in the position to handle adult issues. They are not capable or ready to understand or deal with adult problems. Choose the High Road and your children will respect you and love you for it.

Copyright 2011 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

If you are a divorcing or divorced parent who is stressed with all the changes in life, the challenges of single parenting and worried about the impact of divorce on your children, visit us at http://www.divorcedparenttelesummit.com/ Our aim is to empower and guide divorced parents to be wise and confident as they provide a sense of peace and security to their children.

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