I think one of the main problems with the collective, mass media messaging about divorce is that divorce is most often characterized or reported as a fight. (See War of the Roses, Kramer v. Kramer, and most celebrity divorces reported in the press). The problem with this characterization is that fights have winners and losers.
I know it is rare for separating spouses to measure success in the amount of money they walk away with; despite initially thinking that success would be measured this way. Nor do separating couples measure success by how badly, deeply and truly they can hurt the other; despite an initial impulse do exact emotional payback. One of the main problems with the mass media's take on divorce is its characterization as a fight. See War of the Roses, the fight is finally fatal. In Kramer v. Kramer, one parent is valorized and the other demonized. It is, of course, the "hero" - Dustin Hoffman - who wins.
The starkness of "right" and "wrong" is striking in its lack of nuance.
I think we can do better than that in the context of divorce. What if we, as a society, imagined divorce differently? Divorce should be looked at the same way a company is viewed by consultants advising it on restructuring-logically, semi-detached, with an eye on what is best for the bottom line. In a corporate setting the bottom line is money. Now ask yourself, what is your bottom-line? Is your bottom line, setting up a plan which supports successful co-parenting? Or is it more of a financial and emotional reason?
Here's some 5 tips to help you define the "success" of your divorce.
1. Trade in Black and White for Grey.
The problem with characterizing a divorce as a fight with winners and losers is that it creates winners and losers. We can do better than that. Think hard about what ultimate success means to you. Think of divorce as a family matter with a legal element, not a lawsuit that happens to be about a family.Think about how the execution of the divorce will affect the dynamic in the family; mediation and other collaborative solutions are not right for every family. Learn how to determine if a collaborative process is right for you.
2. Always ask "and how much will that cost?"
It is one thing to be told you can 'get $X in court'; it is another to have an honest conversation about the process involved in getting it. Remember to ask your advisors "and how much will that suggestion cost in time, money and emotional fallout".
3. Always consider your B.A.T.N.A.
In every negotiation, including the multiple negotiations that occur in the context of the dissolution of a marriage, there is a "B.A.T.N.A" to consider. The BATNA is the parties' best alternative to a negotiated agreement. In divorce, the BATNA is an adversarial proceeding in which a judge decides how your very personal future is going to look. The risk you take when you give a stranger the power to decide your future is that you may well not like that future very much. You have to live with it while the Judge who decided it, or the lawyer who negotiated it, simply moves on to the next case.
There is also a whole lot of possible collateral damage to litigated outcome; financial, emotional, possible negative effects on your kids. What if we, as a society, imagined divorce differently?
4. Family Restructuring
Divorce can be looked at the same way a company is viewed by consultants advising it on restructuring: logically, semi-detached,with an eye on what is best for the bottom line. In a corporate setting the bottom line is money. But in a divorce, the bottom line is often different. What if the bottom line in a divorce was setting up a plan forward which supported successful co-parenting? What if divorce was actually about the financial, emotional and physical restructuring of a family? And what if the reason for that restructuring was to support post-divorce co-parenting?
5. Keep your eye on the prize: The Kids
Why is this so important? Because the latest studies show that kids who are exposed to the least amount of parental conflict do the best long term. Kids who have divorced parents who have a low conflict co-parenting relationship are shown to be vulnerable to the "bad stuff" (drug abuse, suicide, low self-esteem etc...) at the same rate or level as kids from households with low conflict married parents. High conflict post-divorce parenting causes that vulnerability to skyrocket.
That's why we can and should imagine divorce in a different way, our kids deserve it.
And, so do we.
Going through Divorce and need expert advice? Start Over Smart Divorce Expo can help: http://startoversmartny.com/
Cara Raich is a member of the Start Over Smart Divorce Expo's Advisory Board.
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