Even the most amicable of divorces are painful. The sense of loss, hurt, failure can be hard to come to terms with. And with an acrimonious divorce, whilst there may be feelings of relief that the difficulties of the relationship are finally coming to an end there is still often a sense of regret and disappointment. After all, there was at one time love and a commitment that the relationship that was meant to last a lifetime.
Let's look at several ways to deal with the pain of divorce.
- Counselling and hypnotherapy are an important way to reconcile to the ending of a relationship. It is a valuable exercise to address what went wrong and why, to look at your own role in the breakdown of the marriage. Even your being compliant and accommodating may need to be reviewed because that behaviour gave your ex partner tacit permission to behave the way they did. Other people may come to realise that they have negative expectations of their life; they repeat patterns of behaviour that are destructive or they are apprehensive about saying how they feel for fear of the outcome. These behaviour patterns will improve with the use of counselling and hypnotherapy.
- Take time for yourself. Recovery can be supported by having counselling but time is also important. Taking time to discover who you are, what you want, how you feel, especially after the breakup of a long marriage is important. Grieve for what has happened and be kind to yourself. Explore your own taste in different areas; colours, interests, dress sense, music. When you've been part of an established marriage it can be all too easy to abdicate your individuality for the greater good. Finding what really suits and appeals to you is part of the next stage of recovery.
- Having a break from intimate relationships can be an especially good decision. They are not called rebound relationships for nothing! It can be seductive to look for love and want to become part of another couple very quickly. But finding a new home for all the love and closeness you're used to sharing is not the best way forward. Take time to heal, settle down and enjoy being independent for a while.
- Use the divorce as a catalyst for positive change. Exploring your own thoughts, ideas and potential for the future can be a revelation. A new beginning can include options to travel, a change of career, decisions on where to live. Being part of a couple usually requires compromise. Becoming single again after a long relationship can be both scary and exciting, often at the same time. Enjoy the opportunity to experiment, make mistakes and possibly start something new and different.
- Accept invitations to do things that you may not have considered before. If there is a spare ticket avail yourself of the opportunity to go, if colleagues are going for a meal or a drink after work take the time to get to know them better. Sometimes these events will be good, others not so good. Give yourself credit for having a go and joining in.
Most people agree that the end of a marriage is a sad and painful situation. Being gentle with yourself and accepting that some days are good, some not so good, can support you through the healing process. Taking simple steps, at your own pace can help you to reconcile and recover, having taken positive steps to learn from the experience.
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.
Further help, advice and articles on this and other associated subjects are available.
For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net/
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