I have created five simple steps to help you connect with your child during the divorce/custody process to ease their fear and insecurities. There is nothing fun or easy about getting divorced when a child is involved. Learn how to help them understand and adjust to their new situation.
Tip #1: Make it a top priority to help your child through the situation.
For many children, divorce is very hard on them because they have not fully developed their coping skills like adults have. They also have a high level of anxiety worrying about what is going to happen to them next.
Make sure your child does not blame them self for the divorce. Children frequently blame themselves for a variety of reasons; they see it as a form of punishment for them not to live with both parents, they heard the parents arguing and placed blame on them self, they are used a pawn between parents and lose all self esteem, etc. Talk to your child and assure them the divorce is not their fault.
Let your child know both parents love them. Explain that you are both working together to create a situation where the child can spend quality time with both parents. Finally, let the child know they will still be a huge part of both parents lives.
Tip #2: Let your child know what is going on.
You need to be constantly updating your child on the situation. Explain the divorce in a way that is age appropriate and don't assign blame to anyone. Tell them about the process and what to expect in the future.
There are two important things to consider with this step. First, really think about the age and disposition of your child. They may not need a long discussion about what is happening or they may have a lot of stress/anxiety and need a lot of reassurance. Second, you have to be able to talk to your child in a calm loving manner. There cannot be any hint of blame, anger, or frustration toward the other parent.
Tip #3: Spend quality time with your child.
It is more important than ever for you to take the time out of your life and spend it with your child. Go and participate in some of your favorite activities or try something new. Don't go out once and bombard them with divorce talk. Your goal is to build your relationship as a loving parent and friend. Show them they are important to you- don't just tell them.
Tip #4- Don't force them to talk about how they feel. Let them bring it up to you.
This step varies greatly on the age of your child. If you have a teenager, it will take a lot more work to build trust and get them to open up to you. A younger child might bring it up easily and could respond well to a statement like, "I know the divorce is hard on you and I want you to know I am her to talk or answer any questions you have."
No matter the age of your child, wait for them to be ready to talk about how they feel. Don't have rehearsed answers about the situation. Validate their feeling and concerns and positively respond to their concerns.
Tip #5- Ask for their feedback if appropriate.
Talk to your child about decisions regarding their future. For example, if you and the other parent are working on the parenting plan and have decided on 50/50 physical and joint custody, talk to them about what that means. Then explain the different types of custody schedules for 50/50 physical custody and ask what option they like the best. Honestly listen to your child's thoughts and concerns. This can also apply to other issues like changes in living arrangements, some budget issues, etc.
Remember, to use your judgment. If decisions have to made by the parents and there is no way around certain issues, don't ask for feedback. But explain decisions made to your child in age appropriate terms. Finally, realize some children are just too young to be able to make the best decisions.
You and the other parent need to decide how and what is the best way to ask for your child's feedback.
Conclusion
As a parent, you probably struggled with the decision to move forward, worrying about the effects a divorce will have on your child. You have the power to help them transition in a supportive and loving way.
Erica Larsen is a writer for Custody X Change softare. This software helps those wanting to create a custody/visitation schedule do it easily and effectively. You can create visual calendar of the custody schedule, see the time percentages each parent has, and journal any changes to the plan.
Learn more about the different custody schedule examples and questions to ask yourself before creating a custody schedule.