Don'ts of a Breakup

I promise that if you do the things on this list, you will someday live to regret it!

Okay. Here's the deal...you miss him. I mean you REALLY miss him. Let me say it one more time - You REALLY SUPER DUPER BEYOND BELIEF MISS HIM! I understand. I've been there too. I've also made a bloody fool of myself in the midst of a breakup. That's why I'm writing now. I want to save YOU from making the same mistakes.

So, without further ado, here is a list of things you shouldn't do during a breakup in no particular order:

1. Drunk dial him at 2 a.m. or sober dial him at 4 p.m. The timing makes no difference. He can see right through this. He knows what you're doing and you'll feel like a fool afterwards. Really...you will. It seems like a gem of an idea after a couple margaritas with the girls. You get home. You're feeling lonely. You imagine him feeling lonely too. He might need to hear your voice to comfort him through this time, right? WRONG!

2. Make up an emergency just to talk to him. So you twisted your ankle playing volleyball. Or maybe you won an award at work. Or maybe your dog vomited. Or maybe you're just pathetically looking for a "good" reason to contact him. Is this information he really needs or wants to know? Honestly? Huh-uh. No, Ma'am. He's no longer in your life so he doesn't get to hear about everything that's happening to you whether it's good, bad or otherwise.

3. Beg. Really? You're fabulous. Why would you beg a moron who doesn't realize your fabulousity to stay with you? Makes no sense. It's beneath you. Don't do it.

4. "Accidentally" run into him. Yeah, we've all done it. You get that surprised look on your face and say, "I didn't know you were going to be here!" Really? You so did. You knew he was going to be here and you planned it like this. The only thing you didn't plan was the look on his face that says, "Oh, no. She's here! Dang!" Not very fun. Not a good time. I know this destroys your vision of him looking at you, suddenly realizing what a dreadful mistake he made and taking you in his arms while simultaneously begging for forgiveness and booking you a trip to Bermuda. I wish I didn't have to crush your dreams this way but...it's highly unlikely that your dream will come true. Instead of planning a run-in, why not spend the time getting a manicure or walking your cat? Both are better uses of your valuable and beautiful self!

5. Answer when HE calls at 2 am. or 4 p.m. for that matter. If you do, you will be providing what I call "breakup assistance" to him. This means that whenever he's feeling a little lonely or reminiscing or regretting his decision - you're always there for him to lean on. Effectively, you are helping him get over you. What? You want to HELP him get over you? Get over it. You deserve better. If he doesn't want all of you, then he doesn't get little bits and pieces here and there when it pleases him. If you give in, it will start happening less and less because...well, you've helped him get over you. Wouldn't you rather help YOU get over HIM? Now that sounds better.

If you follow this list of don'ts -- no matter how tough they seem -- I promise that you'll feel more confident about YOU and the choices YOU make! After all, you are FABULOUS!

Shine On!

If you like this, you'll love Laura's FREE 5 Steps to Getting Your Groovy Back audio minicourse. In it, you'll learn how to boost your mood throughout the day, how to deal with difficult emotions and remain sassy, why resentment depletes your strength and lots more. Visit http://www.thebreakuplounge.com/ to get it now!

Laura Smith is the founder of The Breakup Lounge, a business devoted to enriching the lives of women dealing with the end of a relationship. Using her own life experiences, she has developed coaching packages offering tools to help women bring their emotions back into control while still allowing them, ideas for establishing self-care rituals, freedom from potential bitterness and resentment and positive expectations for the future. She understands all the different facets of a breakup including the fear, hopelessness, low self-esteem, whirlwind of emotions, stress and blame that can occur. She loves helping women end the heartbreak and get back to their sassy selves!

Original article

Do's and Don'ts of Divorce

Many divorces go along smoothly, but when problems occur, they usually reflect the dynamics that didn't work in the marriage - only made worse, because divorce is one of the biggest crises you may go through. Emotions, especially fear and anger, are at their peak.There are definite pitfalls to avoid, and positive steps that can save your sanity and help you move on. All divorces are unique and vary depending on: 1. The marital relationship; 2. The reasons for the divorce; 3. Whether children are involved; and 4. Who initiated the divorce. Yet there are some common issues, largely based on mistaken beliefs and strong emotions.

Mistakes to Avoid

Unfortunately divorce is an adversarial process. It can be a mistake to assume your spouse has your best interests at heart during the divorce. Probably, he or she won't. I'm not suggesting you act out of anger, but you may be hurt and disappointed if you assume everything will be divided without anger and that you'll remain close friends. It's better to expect anger, but try not to react to it. Anger, jealousy, guilt, fear, and hurt can interfere with your judgment and escalate conflict. You may remain friends, but it takes a certain amount of energy to separate. Think of the tremendous force required to split the atom. At least one spouse generally gets angry to break up the marriage.

Obtain legal advice early, and find an experienced Family Law Specialist with trial experience. Listen to your attorney, but also listen to yourself. If you've had problems standing up for yourself in your marriage, find a strong attorney to stand up for you. Mediation can be an effective alternative if your communication with your spouse is good, but it's important to retain your own attorney to advise you of your rights. However, mediation is not advisable, if you get intimidated by your spouse or there was addiction or any abuse in the marriage.

Hopefully, you can at least be honest with each other, but often fear takes over, facts get hidden, and attorneys sometimes fuel conflict. Disclosure is the best approach, since deception or concealment is likely to backfire and breed resistance and contempt when the truth inevitably comes out. It's also a mistake to try to over-control everything out of fear or anger. It may be hard to accept that you won't get all you want, particularly if you're relinquishing some or a lot of control over your children. The pain of letting go can push spouses into angry, intransigent positions Yet it's possible to be assertive and still be kind.

Now's the time to take care of you and your children. It's a big mistake not to get enough support. Get all you can from lawyers, accountants, therapists, family, friends, and spiritual groups. You can't be there for your children if you're not getting your needs met. In fact, most parents emotionally neglect their children during divorce. The losses and changes you go through are so overwhelming and stressful that it's hard to be present for them, but they're really sad and scared, too. Even savvy teenagers. The teens are a vulnerable period, especially for boys. Spend quality alone time with each one of your children, and listen to them. Don't talk about your spouse or use them as confidants. That's very destructive. It's also a mistake to let children of any age decide with whom they want to live. Listen to their feelings, but make that decision with your husband. It's too big of a responsibility, even for a 17 year-old.

Another mistake is to take too much or too little time with the divorce. As discussed more extensively in my published article, Growing Through Divorce, there are four stages to divorce and the "emotional divorce" is the most pivotal and difficult. Rushing doesn't give you time to work through emotions that end up fueling legal battles. On the other hand, a divorce that drags on for years reflects that you haven't emotionally unbonded and need professional help to let go. After a divorce, the two biggest challenges are setting new boundaries with your ex and balancing grieving with moving forward in your life. If you haven't unbonded emotionally, there'll be a lot of reactivity and fights, or the reverse, insufficient boundaries and too much closeness that keep you from moving on.

Do's of Divorce:

1. Create a support and social network. This is important not only for support, but as part of building a new single lifestyle. Plan activities, take a class, or buy season tickets that force you to get out even when you don't feel like it. Avoid any temptation to isolate.

2. Engage competent legal counsel. Some states, including California, certify family law specialists.

3. Be assertive and courteous. Ask for what you need, and be willing to compromise.

4. Find your passion and learn something new about it. Take action. What you do today creates your future tomorrow.

5. Accept the reality that you're divorced and it's your responsibility to create happiness in your life. It's okay to be angry about it. That's part of acceptance.

6. Establish new, clear boundaries with your ex.

7. Journal and write daily things you did well. Also jot down and date small signs of healing - such as crying less, trying new things, socializing more.

Don't's of Divorce:

1. Expect your spouse to take care of your needs.

2. Make decisions based on your emotions.

3. Confide in or talk negatively to your children about your ex.

4. Lie, conceal, manipulate, or over-control.

5. Judge yourself. Negative self-talk is so destructive. It saps your energy, and can turn fatigue or sadness into hopelessness. Read my FREE Report, 10 Steps to Disarm the Critic: From Self-criticism into Self-esteem.

6. Ruminate about the past. Don't let depression take over. Get professional help if you feel stuck.

7. Wait for invitations on holidays, including your birthday. Unlike when you were married when your family honored your birthday, now you have to make plans in advance to honor yourself.

© Darlene Lancer, JD,MFT

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and life coach with a broad range of experience, working with individuals and couples for more than twenty-four years. Her focus is on helping individuals overcome obstacles to leading fuller lives, and helping couples enhance their communication, intimacy, and passion. She is a speaker, freelance writer, and maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA. For a FREE copy of Growing Through Divorce; or a FREE Special Report, 10 Steps to Disarm the Critic: From Self-Criticism to Self-Esteem, email me at info@darlenelancer.com or visit http://www.darlenelancer.com/.

Original article