How to Start Dating After Divorce - Tips on How to Start Dating Again After Divorce

Do you need to know how to start dating after divorce; this resource may be of help to you. It is the truth that divorce is at an all time high. Reports have shown that one out of every two marriages end up in divorce. Even the highly celebrated marriages, with millions spent to bring the couple together; most of them end up in divorce. One will therefore not stop to wonder why this is so. I guess there will not be answers to everything here on earth. These are people who were once heads over heels in love. Whatever made the beat change, it's hard to really figure out.

Divorce happens and it probably has happened in your marriage too. The past is past, the future is the future! What is done is done! The question is, how do you start dating now?

It is sometimes hard for some folks to get back into the dating game after divorce. Trust is wounded and thrown away. Everyone who shows interest in you becomes evil and there is no reason for you to want to love again. Yet in the heart of hearts, you know you need to love again but how to start dating after divorce is the issue. The following tips can help you.

Leave the Past Where It Is

You have got to let the past go. Yeah, your spouse was terrible. We can agree with that but that doesn't change the fact that you have to move on and it doesn't change the fact that not all people are terrible. You can still find love again, yeah, you can. But no one wants you bringing it the junk of the past into your present life, it will ruin things always. So leave the past where it is.

How do you do that, you ask? Well, forgive your spouse. That is important. If you don't forgive him or her, your past will keep hunting you. This will take time. I will even advice that you take at least 6 months to healing up before thinking about dating after divorce. Although there may be the emptiness that may want to drive you to just let anyone in to fill the void but that often leads to more pain because you are most like going to pick the wrong person again. So take some time, heal up and forgive.

Start with Friendship

Do not intend to get into some serious relationship after you might have thought you healed up. You may need to start with friendship first. Hang out with the opposite sex but keep in mind you are not out for serious dating yet, you are just trying to get back up fully. Yeah, you will find people you like but you have got to be careful. You of all people should know that emotions are aside, reality what you should face. While you are making friends, take time to scrutinize and get to know your friends very well. I advice you don't make friends with people you cannot date in this case.

Stay Positive

Another helpful tip on how to start dating after divorce is to stay positive. Now, while you have started making friends, there are chances you want to be extra cautious, thereby not allowing love to flow into your heart. This is normal but you have got to learn to stay positive. It is good to know what you want in a partner but do not have too-high standards. Remember there is no Mr. Perfect or Miss Perfect out there, we all have flaws. Know what you want but learn to be tolerant too. Learn also to see deep into the hearts of the people you are dealing with to know whether they love you or they are just out for games.

Let Love Flow

After friendship, you may need to take a bold step of allowing love to flow in. There is every chance you would have found someone who is just nice. Let the person have the privilege of loving you. You never can tell, he or she might just be the angel you are looking for. However, there is no way you will know this if you do not make the commitment to love. I hope these tips on how to start dating after divorce helps you.

Have you been able to discover the tips that you need to apply to start dating after divorce? Get a free dating after divorce tips and walk your way into another relationship that you deserve. You can also discover the secrets of a healthy relationship by visiting http://www.relationshipmadeperfect.com/.

Original article

Heading Off The Nasty Divorce

Heading toward a nasty divorce? How could two people who were madly in-love end up resenting and in some cases hating each other? I wish I had the answer to that question because my desire is to see couples work through their differences and make the best out of sometimes difficult relationship issues.

Many spouses end up hurting each other before it's all over and in the midst of their fighting to get the best of each other, much pain is endured by many. Unfortunately, children, in-laws, friends and neighbors also suffer because of the marital discourse.

I'm sure that you have mixed emotions about staying together or ending your marriage. It is not an easy decision and one that you shouldn't take lightly. Your future and your legacy for your kids, if you have any, are riding on what you and your spouse decide to do. There are two questions I think you need to answer.

1. Is there any way to save my marriage?

2. If we can't save our marriage, can we have a respectful and decent parting of the ways?

Like I said before, divorce is not something that should be decided on a whim. I'm sure that you have been trying to find a way to fix your marriage problems and I commend you for doing so. Regardless of mistakes that have been made, if there is a possibility of forgiving each other and moving forward, your marriage can be saved.

So, why are so many marriages ending in divorce? My experience leads me to conclude that in most cases there is one of both spouses who have the disease of "I". Do you or your spouse have any symptoms of the "I" disease? Here are some of the symptoms;

• The need to have it your way all the time.

• An unwillingness to ever say that you were wrong or that you are sorry.

• The inability to see anyone else's pain, because if it's not about you, it's not important.

• The desire for your happiness to be obtained even if your spouse is unhappy.

• The unfortunate habit of allowing pride and ego get in the way of relationship.

You see many marriages are backwards and end up heading down the wrong path not too long after the honeymoon is over. Instead of learning how to sacrifice one's need for the sake of matrimonial bliss, individuals realize that marriage requires giving up some of the things they treasure. Over a period of years there is some resentment built up and before you know it, unhappiness settles in and the road to divorce court is embarked on.

Do I believe that you can save your marriage? Yes I do and I hope you do as well. I have faith that with some sacrificing and letting down of guards and positions, reconciliation and restoration can and will occur.

It is quite easy to get your marriage turned around, especially if that is what both partners want. The alternative is not pretty.

May I share with you what happened in my parent's marriage? I'll give you the short version;

My parents struggled greatly when I was around 5 years old and they fought often. My mom was pregnant and she found out that my dad was unfaithful. He physically abused her and she ended up shooting him a couple of times. He lived but needless to say they had a nasty divorce.

Now, I'm in no way implying that your marriage will end like my parents did. However, you really have no idea how nasty breaking up can become.

I hope and pray that you will do all that you can to try to save your marriage. You owe it to your spouse and yourself.

There are many marriage resources that you can utilize to give you some help in saving your marriage. At the very least, make sure that you have exhausted all options.

Finally, if you get to the point of going through with the divorce, please don't let the process change you and your spouse to the point where your joy is obtained by inflicting pain on each other. It's not worth it and in the end will lead to you feeling guilty and regretful.

The best way to head off the nasty divorce is to restore and rebuild your marriage. If you want more ideas on saving your marriage, please read more here; Help In Marriage

Original article

How to Survive the Holidays With Sass

As you approach your first holiday season solo, does it seem like every jeweler in America is out to get you? You know what I mean. All those commercials where a beautiful but breathless woman warmly embraces her handsome man after finding a 45-carat diamond necklace in the glove box of her brand new giant-bow-adorned car. Ugh! Sometimes, the thought of spending time alone during the holidays made me feel like the world's biggest Scrooge. But... I had a choice to make: Either I could be a victim of the season or I could kick holiday butt. Instead of being defeated by my new status as a single gal, here's how the latter option worked out for me:

I had a schedule. This is very important. If you don't have a schedule, you can get caught up in woe-is-me time. My family celebrates on Christmas Eve. My first Christmas alone, I had the ENTIRE day on Christmas all to myself. Something that I really wasn't looking forward to. After all, I couldn't stroll the aisles of the book store for a couple hours just to get my mind off things. I couldn't order in my favorite Chinese food or even do a Taco Bell run. Unless I wanted to hang at my neighborhood Walgreen's (which IS open 365 days a year and would be sign of true desperation), I would have to be home... by myself... for hours... and hours... and hours. I made up my mind that I would try to make it as fun as I could and do everything that I loved.

Several days before Christmas, I chose a recipe that I'd been meaning to try and shopped for all the groceries needed to make it. I also bought myself a couple cool gifts that I really wanted and wrapped them. Yes, you read it right. I WRAPPED MY OWN PRESENTS. I am not ashamed to say that even if you think I'm a little crazy because I had the best time opening them up on Christmas morning. No joke. Afterwards, I made myself some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. Easy enough. I lounged about, took a nice long bath and gave myself a manicure. I also watched "A Christmas Story" and "Grumpier Old Men" a couple times a piece. Around 6 p.m., I opened a bottle of wine and sipped it as I made myself a fabulous pasta dinner. It was a bit strange to sit down to a table alone (as my young daughter was with her father) but I did it. Then I relaxed some more and read the book that I gave myself. As I snuggled into bed that night and reflected on the day that I had been dreading, I thought to myself, "Wow. It wasn't that bad."

I'm convinced that having a plan and scheduling my day and being prepared really saved me. That's what I want for you. Your holiday to-do list looks like this, my Dear:

1. Chose your activities for the day. Whether you've got a few hours alone or a few days, what would make you feel great? Or at least good? Do that. Figure out your morning, afternoon and evening and stick to it.

2. Prepare yourself. In other words, if you need groceries to make something delicious, go get 'em! If you need some sensational gifts under your tree, get shopping! Also, be generous with yourself and get things you normally would never consider ~ splurge a little!

3. Relax and enjoy! Even if you have some moments of sadness creep up, allow them to be there. Give yourself a break because it's totally natural. However, don't let them be the boss of you. Say to yourself, "Okay. I'll have this feeling for 5 minutes and then your time is up!" Then have your time and let it go and get back to the business of cherishing you.

My hope for you is that this holiday season is an opportunity to be gentle with yourself and boost your confidence by spending time alone and doing it with style! Do it for you.

Happy Holidays, Gorgeous! Now go kick some holiday butt!

If you like this, you'll love Laura's FREE 5 Steps to Getting Your Groovy Back audio minicourse. In it, you'll learn how to boost your mood throughout the day, how to deal with difficult emotions and remain sassy, why resentment depletes your strength and lots more. Visit http://www.thebreakuplounge.com/ to get it now!

Laura Smith is the founder of The Breakup Lounge, a business devoted to enriching the lives of women dealing with the end of a relationship. Using her own life experiences, she has developed coaching packages offering tools to help women bring their emotions back into control while still allowing them, ideas for establishing self-care rituals, freedom from potential bitterness and resentment and positive expectations for the future. She understands all the different facets of a breakup including the fear, hopelessness, low self-esteem, whirlwind of emotions, stress and blame that can occur. She loves helping women end the heartbreak and get back to their sassy selves!

Original article

Technology Advancements Force Lawyers and Pro Se Individuals to Look for Hidden Surveillance Tools

Being a good lawyer when handling a divorce matter isn't about knowing the basics anymore. It's not just about knowing the correct forms, knowing the court's rules, and keeping client confidences.

Being a good lawyer is about being conscious of the extent of tremendous advancement of global technology. It's about remaining aware of the effect this technological advancement has on all legal cases and especially on divorce cases.

Today, this technological growth has spawned the creation and use of covert surveillance devices and software that in turn create issues both for the lawyer and for the client.

If you are considering representing yourself in the family court system in any jurisdiction you need to know about this technology if there is even the slightest distrust between the parties in a divorce or family court matter.

Today's technology brings with it many conveniences. At the same time it also brings with it just as many dangers to your privacy.

Imagine that you are a lawyer representing a client or even a spouse who wants to represent himself or herself in a divorce case. Now let's add one small factor. Let's assume there is a small level of distrust between the husband and wife in the divorce case. That's it.

Here is one question. Do you know about Patrolman GPS, FamilyMap, or MobiStealth?

If you don't then you may want to learn about them and the hundreds of other devices and software programs that exist by virtue of the advancement of technology.

If you are a lawyer representing a divorce client and the opposing party seems to be one step ahead of you every time, or if you represent yourself and the same thing is happening then you need to at least jump onto the internet and find out about these and many other devices and services rather quickly!

Let me introduce you quickly to just this small sample just in case you don't know about them.

PATROLMAN GPS

Patrolman GPS is a small black device which does not look fancy and is easy to overlook. This GPS (Global Positioning System) tracking device can be put in your pocket, on your car, in your briefcase, in your glove compartment, purse, bowling ball bag, or even placed in a magnetic case and hidden somewhere on your vehicle where it goes unnoticed. This device takes seconds to hide or attach to the chosen location. It can track your every physical movement by a transmitter that provides satellite information on your location to the subscriber of the devices' satellite tracking service.

FAMILYMAP

FamilyMap is an add-on to your AT&T Cell phone service. Unless you know what this service is, what it does, AND you also take care of paying the cel phone bill then you wouldn't even know that you are being tracked by GPS built into your cel phone. If you take your cellular phone with you everywhere and have the AT&T service then your spouse could add the service, pay the bill and you'd never know you are being tracked with that information recorded 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

MOBISTEALTH

Now lawyers who represent divorce clients this is one that should make you sit up and have your eyes bugging out of your socks.

MobiStealth is a tracking program that can be installed and remain completely hidden on many cellular phones and is linked both to the phone itself and a GPS Satellite tracking system. It is reputed that this hidden cellular phone program can be installed in a minute or two. Here are the things it has been said it can do.

1. Store copies of emails, call logs and SMS that were sent and received from your phone.

2. Automatically retrieve the GPS coordinates of places that you recently visited and even provide real-time GPS tracking of your location at any given minute.

3. Secretly record your phone calls. Or be programmed to record only the calls for specific numbers and even perform reverse phone number look-ups to see who the call are made to or received from.

4. Retrieve your pictures and videos.

5. Record of the phone's surroundings. It can literally turn on the phone's microphone in order to secretly record conversations that are within or just outside of earshot.

6. Keep a detailed record of bookmarks, chat sessions and calendar events and even be informed of new contacts that were added to the contacts or address book.

7. This program can supposedly also get you the internet browsing history of the person using the cellular phone that it is installed on.

These technology and surveillance devices and software should be considered for many factors. If you value your privacy then you may have a problem. If you use your phone to communicate with your attorney then you should be concerned about the breach of the attorney/client privilege.

To obtain adequate legal protections, you and/or your lawyer may need to file motions to prevent further invasion and/or validate the criminal nature of the surveillance depending upon the jurisdiction you live in and the holdings of that jurisdiction.

Technology concerns in all cases are no longer optional for lawyers, especially those who practice divorce law because those cases are more likely to give cause for their use. Divorce is a whole new ball game folks. Knowledge of technology is no longer optional for lawyers or your average citizen.

FREE detailed information for You from the RI Divorce Attorney. I don't want you to become a victim.
Contact Attorney Christopher Pearsall at (401) 632-6976 NOW. Your low-cost coaching and legal advice session from Rhode Island's Most Affordable Divorce Lawyer and Full-Time Family Law Coach is just a phone call away.

This article is for informational purposes only and is not legal advice. You should not take legal action without legal advice from a licensed practitioner who has been fully informed about your specific circumstances.The Rhode Island Supreme Court licenses all attorneys in the general practice of law.

Original article

8 Tips to Survive Holidays With a Shared Custody Schedule for Young Children

The holidays can be a stressful time for you, but when you are divorced and must share custody with the other parent, they can be particularly tense. Even in the most amiable separations, the holidays can add a layer of stress to your relationship with your children, as well as your interactions with the other parent.

Putting parental tension onto children of divorce is unfair, particularly during holidays. As you and the other parent work out a shared custody schedule for your children, remember that holidays are for making positive memories and preserving traditions.

There is no single holiday schedule that will work for each family. The ages of your children, past traditions, religious beliefs and extended family involvement all contribute to a unique holiday schedule that you and the other parent must negotiate. Make adjustments to fit your particular circumstances. For example, a holiday schedule for toddlers and preschoolers will work differently than one for older children or teens.

The important thing to keep in mind is that as parents, it's your responsibility to ensure that your children enjoy the holidays and that you and the other parent can work together in relative peace through January.

To make sure the tension of co-parenting doesn't take away all the happiness of the holiday season, here are 8 tips to keep in mind as the holidays approach:

Know the schedule as well as possible. When everyone knows what will happen and when, there is less chance of miscommunication and resentment. Discuss the upcoming season with your children and the other parent to ensure everyone is on the same page.
Be on time with pick-ups, drop-offs and any other scheduled event, such as phone calls when your children are with the other parent. Lateness and missed exchanges have a snowball effect and can sometimes disrupt several days' worth of planning.
Communicate with the other parent, whether it's phone calls, email or texting. The holiday season is full of surprises, so keep in touch to ensure each of you is up to speed. Work out the little things, like coordinating gifts for friends or teachers, to big things, such as an extended family party, so that as things change, you are both aware.
Focus on staying positive and upbeat. If you are full of tension and frustration, it will affect how you interact with the children and how you approach the holiday season. Concentrate on the time you do have with your children to build memories rather than what you are missing when they are absent. Make it all about high quality holiday celebrations rather than the quantity of days you have.
Avoid saying anything negative about the other parent or how your children spend time with that parent. Don't allow extended family members to be negative about the other parent in the presence of your children, either.
Maintain past traditions for your children to reassure them of your identity as a family and to remind them of their heritage. Both adults and children enjoy experiencing familiar traditions as part of the holidays, and focusing on meaningful events can keep children focused on what things remained the same after divorce rather than what has changed.
Mix new traditions with old to create new memories with your children. Try a few different things during the holiday season to lay a new foundation for how holidays will be celebrated now that you are divorced. Especially as your children age, they might enjoy giving input into new holiday celebrations that are more age appropriate.
Be flexible with your children's wishes about the holidays. Children might express their desire to attend a holiday celebration that doesn't fit in with your schedule, such as a friend's party or an outing with grandparents. While children shouldn't dictate the holiday schedule, you may find that by focusing on their needs makes the holiday season easier for you and the other parent.

Remember that the children come first when it comes to celebrating the holidays, so put their needs first rather than cling to a strict schedule that denies them some of the joys of the season. When you and the other parent work together to make the holiday season magical for your children, you are expressing your love for them in ways that will stay with them for a lifetime.

Look to Custody X Change software for more tips on creating a clear shared custody schedule for young children. The color-coded calendar that you create is easy to read and can upload to most mobile devices. Whether you are creating a shared custody schedule for toddlers or one for pre-teens and teenagers, look to Custody X Change software for some of the most comprehensive schedule templates available.

Original article

3 Tips on How To Get Over Painful Memories of Your Ex Husband

So I was with a friend just recently who broke up with her boyfriend. And we were having a conversation about how she felt guilty because of the promises she had made to him, and was very upset because of the plans they had made together, that they would no longer share. There was also disappointment of what could have been, but would now no longer be.

And then we discussed the crucial idea that in that moment she did mean it, they did mean it. But now the moment had gone, and things had changed, the meaning that was given to that moment had changed. As we are meaning making machines, we always give an event a meaning. Now we can change that meaning and that is really up to us.

A moment is just a moment and if we are able to isolate that moment in its entirety, would we suffer so much with these memories? If every moment was left on its own, without joining the dots with meaning, what would our life be like? All the good moments that we shared in the past - would surely stay there right? All of the bad moments would also stay there, without affecting us in the present.

The only thing that keeps us in the pain here either as a result of what was NEVER and what CANNOT BE are these thoughts. Without connecting the dots with the lines of meaning, suffering would be lessened as we would stay present with what is going on now. Thinking about the past, is essentially what brings us the pain.

So how do you change the meaning of the past?

1. Practice - Well this actually is a practice, a practice that every time you do, you say something like "thank you for sharing, and I now let this thought go."

2. Challenge The Thoughts To Create New Meanings "This thought does not serve me, let me become present with what is." As our thoughts lead to feelings, that lead to our emotions - without the thoughts and the meanings we can become present and release the ABCs of negativity.

3. Get Creative To See Things From a Different Perspective - You can create a dot to dot board. Join the dots to signify what your relationship used to look like. Then create another dot to dot board and change the picture. Connect different dots to create new meanings so that those moments that are just moments in their entirety serve you. Do this until you find the picture that most suits you.

Marina Pearson
Soul Conneczions - Freedom From The Ex Without The Stress
http://www.soulconneczions.uk.net/

We work with divorced women to stop their ex-husband push their buttons.

Original article

The Oedipus Complex in Divorce Situations

In situations where unconscious shame and mutual idealization have played a large role in a marriage, if the relationship breaks down and the couple divorces, they usually battle one another to see who will be the "winner" and who the "loser". They often try to enlist the loyalty of their children against one another; the parent who can get a child to turn against the other parent will then feel triumphant over the former spouse. This is a tragic instance of the narcissistic needs of that parent overriding his or her concern for the welfare of the child: desire to take vengeance on their ex drives them to sacrifice the child's fundamental need for a good relationship with both parents.

This dynamic always damages the child, but it can be doubly toxic when added to an Oedipus Complex dynamic. Here's a scenario that may be familiar to many of you. I'll describe it in relation to divorced mothers and their sons because I'm more familiar with that situation, though it would also apply to fathers and daughters. In cases where the husband's infidelity instigated their divorce, the ex-wife may often have legitimate grounds to be angry, but that wouldn't justify the kind of destructive behavior you sometimes see.

I'm thinking of the ex-wife who makes her son into the "little man", who turns to him for the sort of companionship she might look for with a spouse, and who confides thoughts and concerns inappropriate for a child to hear. She might discuss her financial situation in ways that subtly make the boy feel responsible and protective; she might complain to him about the difficulties of her new status as a single woman and the burdens of running a household alone. Looking to a son to assume some of the chores her ex-husband might have shouldered is one thing; asking him to step into his father's shoes as confidante and life partner is another.

The ex-wife's attempts to poison the relationship between father and son make the situation much more lethal for the boy. You may recall that in Freud's view, the Oedipus complex is "resolved" when the son identifies with his father, internalizes him as part of his conscience as conceived of in the id ego superego model of the mind. That resolution implies an intact family, where the father's authority opposes the son's desire for exclusive possession of his mother; it depends upon the boy's respect for his father and an awareness that the father doesn't actually want to retaliate for those patricidal impulses the son may have harbored.

So what happens when the mother enlists her son as a surrogate husband and at the same time tries to destroy his relationship with his dad? In a particularly toxic way, it confirms the Oedipal fantasy. By trashing her ex-husband, she subtly invites the boy to "kill off" his father; how then can he "resolve" his Oedipus complex in the usual way, by internalizing a positive authority as part of his superego? Even if you don't find the Oedipus complex a compelling idea, you'll probably agree that we do internalize our parents as part of ourselves. What effect will it have on a boy's sense of self to internalize a damaged father? I think it undermines that sense of self and encourages a hatred of authority, even legitimate authority, that will handicap him in his ability to navigate roles and relationships in the world at large.

Joseph Burgo PhD is a clinical psychologist with 30+ years experience in the mental health profession. He writes two blogs, one called 'After Psychotherapy' where he discusses psychotherapy issues such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and the Oedipus complex from a psycho-dynamic perspective; on the other blog, 'Movies and Mental Health' hosted by PsychCentral, he uses classic and contemporary films to illustrate his ideas. Dr. Burgo also offers online counseling via Skype. His forthcoming book on psychological defense mechanisms will be released by New Harbinger Publications in Spring 2013.

Original article

Will You Consider A Divorce Insurance?

Couples who get married don't always end up together. Marriages are not made in heaven as they say. Problems and conflicts occur every now and then. Unfortunately for some who don't have the patience and tolerance to save their relationship can just give up easily.

This is one of the reasons that some couples, particularly those who have accumulated wealth before tying the knot, prefer to have a pre-nuptial agreement is preferred to protect their properties in the event of divorce. These days, however, the divorce insurance is another option. It's still quite new but well worth a try.

Being an insurance, it aims to help people in their expenses should they decide to divorce their partner. The financial assistance will be in cash to help the spouse pay for the divorce proceedings and find a new home to live in. Not many people are aware that going through divorce can be very expensive. Your lawyer fees alone can already cost you tens of thousands of dollars and if you don't have a steady income and other sources of funds, how are you going to pay them?

This divorce insurance is considered very helpful particularly for the spouse who does not earn as much as his or her other half. In short, it will assist the person by providing financial security while going through hard times after the divorce.

This latest divorce insurance is affordable as well. For example, you can get it for as low as $16 per month at wedlock.com. Each unit can already provide coverage worth $1,200 which is not bad.

If you have your own income, you can decide to purchase this type of insurance if you want. Not that you're foreseeing divorce to happen but then again, the unexpected can always occur even in the most stable marriages that were thought to last.

The issue, however, will be about how you are going to open this up with your spouse. Normally, it's the low earning or non-earning wives who often experience great difficulty financially after the divorce and as such, should be the ones more likely to consider getting a divorce insurance.

If you're planning to tell your partner about getting this protection, experts suggest scheduling a time to discuss this with an open mind. This can take about an hour or two. To open the issue, you can start pointing out the divorce rate and your plans if ever this will happen to both of you.

In these times when marriages are unpredictable like the weather, it's best to be prepared for the worst scenario. Lucky for you if your spouse is very generous and will agree to support you financially after you've split up. But what if not and you don't have a source of income? Where are you going to turn to for financial assistance?

The divorce insurance may still have some areas to improve on so you can wait for a year or two before getting one. But again, it's always an option today as it can be a great help to you eventually should you go through divorce.

For marriage forums, visit TalkAboutMarriage.com, a supportive community for marriage and relationship advice.

Original article

How Does Divorce Affect Children? Introspection Through Their Drawings

Divorce affects children in various ways, depending on their age, personality, family reactions and support, responses from their peers and so on. The mother of John, who is 7½ years old, wanted to check her son's emotional status following her divorce. She sent us his drawings from the last year, asking for guidance based on his specific personality.

His drawings showed a reality of running away, which is not progressive or positive, but keeps the child from coping with his difficulties and receiving support from his close surroundings.

In one of his recent drawings, the flowers are not a bloom, the sun is distant and seems not to provide any heat and there is no interaction among the various elements on the page, as typical of his age. Consequently, we assumed that John perceives his world as cold and remote, lacking happiness and social life.

Social rejection, as in this case, is one of the effects divorce can have. Studies show that children of divorced parents tend to be socially rejected more than their peers. Therefore, they require close attention and support in order to build healthy relationships that will improve their mood and general functioning following their parents' divorce.

Children's reactions to divorce

About a year after the divorce, studies identified successful emotional working through of the divorce among most children: the pain and the suffering weakened, and were replaced by acceptance of the new reality. However, while most children accepted the divorce as final, younger children in particular tended to continue clinging to their fantasies of family reunion.

During the first year after the divorce most families are in the first stages of dealing with the change.

Studies have specified several key negative reaction patterns which characterize this period:

Aggressive reactions enable the child to vent feelings of anger and helplessness, and in many cases take physiological form as in vomiting, facial spasms, weight fluctuations, sleeping disorders, and depression. These actually represent emotional adjustment difficulties. They are designed, in most cases, to signal overwhelming stress and distress he is experiencing in the aftermath of divorce. In some cases they are also unconsciously designed to force the parents to cope with the child's health problems rather than focus on their own emotional conflicts.

Attempts to mediate between the parents. This reaction is combined with the intention of returning the family to its previous state, and development of age-inappropriate dependence on one of them.

The development of such dependence is contingent on the child's age and personality, but it finds its expression in emotional patterns (emotional regression and need for intimacy that is not age appropriate), negative social reactions such as withdrawal or materialistic compensation mechanisms (like excessive demand to buy toys and the like).

Identification with one of the parents. Children who identify with one of the parents do so to gain power and meaningfulness. In general, absolute identification with one of the parents requires the child to detach himself from the other parent or to reduce the frequency and quality of contacts with him.

Escapism. Physically running away from home is characteristic of adolescents. It enables some children to avoid direct coping with the implications of divorce and consequently to evaluate the events around him from a more distant and objective perspective. There are children whose temporary escape from home enables them to find a supportive environment where they can cope emotionally with the divorce.

Another, more subtle form of escape is cramming the day with a great variety of activities, to reduce the time spent at home to a minimum.

Preoccupation with an imaginary world is another, more cognitive form of escape. This form of escape enables the child to avoid the painful facts of the child's daily life. The imaginary world serves as a haven in times of distress.

It is important to remember that for children of separated parents, entering the imaginary world is therapeutic and therefore must not be prevented. Therefore, we must carefully assess the proportion of imaginary elements in the drawing, and remember that they comfort the child by providing protection and a safe haven.

Michal Wimmer invites you to learn more about children's drawings analysis.
Get our FREE guide to interpreting children's drawing at: http://www.roshida.com/Drawing_analysis/newsletter.html

Roshida specializes in training and providing individual analysis based on children's drawings. http://www.roshida.com/

Original article

What The Stats Tell Us About Marriage Trends In The UK

To many marriage should still form the bedrock of a traditional family life and therefore in turn is key to a stable and settled society. Marriage in the UK is often seen as an institution that is in crisis following the decline of widespread religious followings and the liberalisation of divorce laws and procedures, and as a result the topic has become a political fighting ground. But what do the statistics actually tell us about how our society is changing.

Marriage
The headline figure that most people tend to look at when reviewing marriage statistics is how many 'x' thousand of individuals have married in the last year. The latest figures we have at our disposal from the Office for National Statistics for England and Wales are for the year 2009 and these show that marriages fell by 1,500 on the previous year to 231,490 - a drop of 0.64%. However as the pool of available and prospective marriage candidates will never be the same from one year to the next the more telling metric to analyze is the proportion of unmarried individuals that wed in that period. Interestingly, this figure was down more significantly, in line with the longer term trends, with drops of 2.29% and 2.04% for men and women respectively. What's more, this rate is now at its lowest level on record for both sexes.

For fans of marriage this does seem to create rather a gloomy picture as it not only tells us that the sheer number of marriages taking place is dropping but as populations increase that the pool of unmarried people is, by extension, increasing (as the slightly lower number of marriages accounts for an even lower proportion of unmarried couples).

That said, by looking at some of the other clues that are available there might be solace on offer. The same set of data also indicates that the average age at which people choose to marry (both in general and for the first time) has risen and so it may actually be inferred from the data taken as a whole that people are taking the sanctity of marriage more seriously and waiting until they are more certain about the commitment before getting wed. The fact that the number of cohabiting couples has also risen may additionally imply that the delay is in part a result of a contentedness to cohabit, possible under the misconception that this affords the couple some legal status, such as the mythical common-law marriage.

Divorce
Since 2004, both the total number of couples divorcing and, more significantly, the percentage of married couples that accounts for, has been steadily falling. In 2009 the total number of divorces hit its lowest point since 1973 at 113,949, but crucially this cannot be solely attributed to a fall in the number of people getting or being married in the first place; as a proportion of those married the total only accounted for 10.5% - a 0.7 (or 6.25%) reduction on the previous year and the lowest proportion since 1977. So, in short, despite the fact that fewer people are getting married, even fewer and now divorcing.

The problem in assessing what this is telling us about the longer term trends in society is that, to a greater or lesser extent these figures may be affected by legacy issues from years or decades ago. As seen in the divorce boom of the 70s and early 80s, where on average the length of a marriage which would lead to divorce hovered around 10 to 12 years, the easing of the barriers to divorce allowed a rush of divorces for couples that may have taken the action in previous decades had the options been there.

The average length of a marriage which leads to divorce now in the UK has stabilised around 11.5 years so those couples who are divorcing now may again on the whole be telling us more about those legacy issues than the strength of marriages commencing now. Taking into account the falling divorce rate (per married couple), along with the aforementioned slight decline in marriage rates and the increasing average age of marrying individuals, it may add support to the inference that the commitment of marriage is being taken more seriously and individuals are waiting until there are ready and mature enough to marry; perhaps hinting that new marriages taking place now will ultimately lead to even lower divorce rates in the future.

These figures are only scratching the surface and to get a better understanding of the longer term trends we may need to analyse separately the outcomes of marriages which began across successive years, not to mention across the different nations of the UK.

Whatever, the future holds, there is no doubt that marriage and divorce remain contentious and political issues as well as being major transitional life events for those involved at a personal level.

© Stuart Mitchell 2011

I'm a small business owner. If you need to find more information on the legal support available to you through the divorce process then visit Divorce Solicitors London or Divorce Solicitors London.

Original article

Will You Be Lonely This Christmas?

This may be your first Christmas after your divorce or separation, no doubt you are already worrying about how it will go.

My best advice to you is, stop worrying and get organising.

It's not fair or reasonable to expect other people to organise things for you - they might and that will be a bonus.

If you have children try to keep your adult issues out of the picture, focus on making it a great day for the kids. Many divorced couples manage to get together as a family for birthdays and Christmas, it will mean a lot to your children if you can do that. If not, either split the day fairly or agree to have the children on Christmas day alternate years. Most of all don't make them or the rest of your families suffer, your divorce is yours to deal with.

If you don't have children try something a bit innovative. Ask around to find out if there are any elderly people living alone in your area, many families are scattered around the globe these days, this means that elderly relatives often have to spend Christmas alone. You could invite some of your neighbours or members of your church to your home, give them a day to remember.

You might prefer to help feed the homeless this year, the Salvation Army and other charities are always glad of helping hands to serve cook and serve Christmas dinner for poor or homeless people.

You could dedicate Christmas Day to yourself, plan to have all your favourite treats, get your favourite films to watch, get up late and plan to catch up with people on Boxing Day.

Christmas Day, like every other day, will be exactly what you make it. You can have a great day if you decide to create a great day or you can have a dull and lonely day if that's what you decide to have - all you will have to do to achieve this is - nothing!

That's right, sit back, relax and do nothing. You might get lucky, family or friends might invite you to join them, but don't expect them to.

Expectations can ruin relationships and Christmases!

This year, put other people first - especially your children if you have any.

Look out for people less fortunate than yourself, you'll find them all around when you start looking.

This year, plan to make Christmas as special as you can, for as many people as you can - and make one of these people yourself. Just don't expect someone else to do it for you.

Hello, I'm Mary Moir, most of my career has been about people just like you. Wives, husbands, families.
What I've learned is that you need to feel good about yourself to have a good relationship and be a successful parent. At http://www.yemanyacoaching.com/ you'll find all you need to get your life and your relationship back on track. Or, how to recover after a divorce.
http://www.yemanyacoaching.com/
Put the life back in your living!

Original article

What Parents Need to Know Now Before It's Too Late

What do we mean by, "Before it's too late"? Well, you would be amazed how many people get into trouble for physically striking a child in public because, "It was the way I was raised". Today are different times. Having said that, there are some great reasons why you should learn parenting skills before it's too late.

Child Misdirection

This may appear like something that sounds like a trick, then you'd be right, but wrong as well. What we mean by child misdirection are the influences he'll eventually run into during middle school and high school. By learning parenting skills now, you can effectively communicate to your child what the different influences will probably be and how to avoid the wrong ones.

Your child could be misdirected from friends, strangers they met on the walk home, or even from trusted sources like teachers or babysitters. By admitting these dangers and facing them head on with training, you give your child the best chance he or she has of a successful future.

Criminal Behavior

Youth criminal behavior is something that can be common in houses that haven't had proper parenting training. Shockingly, the most crime occurs by those under 18 in Camden, NJ. By getting the parenting skills you need, you may be able to put a "road block" up on that path leading your child to a life of criminal behavior.

Because criminal behavior can be displayed at early ages, it can be very important to get your parenting classes done as soon as you can. If criminal behavior isn't caught early and stopped, it could spread like cancer across the body. Criminal behavior prevention and intervention early on is really the only hope a parent can have to be sure they've done all they can.

Unknown Abuse

As I mentioned, punishing your child with even a spank on the bottom can cause some people to fly into a ruckus. That attention could possibly end with the cops being called and then city social workers.

Once a complaint has been made the city has to take action, that's the policy of every social worker professional in the country. Depending what the workers are told, you may not get a chance; they may just take your child outright.

By getting parenting classes today, you will get informed of all the state and local laws regarding physical punishment on a child. Once that is known, you can know the boundaries and be informed. If you're informed and get into a problem in public, you can know the difference between punishment and abuse. That knowledge is the power to fight for your rights and even fight off an unlawful complaint.

These are the top 3 reasons that you need to learn parenting skills before it's too late. When informed and knowledgeable you can teach your child about what they can do to help be a better son or daughter. Then you've fought the battle on two fronts, which means you're doing everything you can to be the best parent possible.

Ari Novick, Ph.D. is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a certified anger management and Parenting provider. Click here for more information on Parenting Classes Online
Dr. Ari Novick also provides world class online anger management classes

Original article

How I Saved Myself After My Marriage Collapsed

When I look back on my marriage, I remember the good times and the sweet sentiments and the intimate moments. I also remember, the bickering, the arguing, and the fighting. I lastly remember the day I realized that my husband would not be coming home for dinner.

I had a good cry that night and the next night and the next week. The ache and the physical pain are something, I won't soon forget. I did recover and you will too. If you are reading this article, you are probably in a similar situation as I was. Reeling from the loss of your hopes and dreams, you are seeking advice and consolation from the internet.

I would type in such things like; "husband left, now what"? The search generated numerous blogs and articles that primarily had to do with trying to get him back or how to save my marriage. I wasn't really sure if I actually wanted to save my marriage or if I even wanted him back.

I was looking for ways to get rid of the pain and steps to move on. Not only that, there was an assumption that by doing a few tricks and behavior modifications on my self, that I could bring him back. Let's get real - he walked out on me, isn't he the one that needs some work? Not only that, everyone knows that it takes two willing individuals to make a marriage work and if one decides to depart, that equation is now unbalanced.

It takes some time, but you will heal and you will go on to love another day, but how do you do it? How do you build up your self-esteem and bring back life to your personality? How do fight through the blues to get to the sunny days again? It's not easy, but it is so much better than playing games to bring home a man who has made it clear its over.

Saving Yourself, Not Your Marriage

It is time to be selfish. For once put your needs first. Resist the urge to try to fix this. It is quite possible that trying to fix something is what got you in this situation in the first place.

Step 1 - Take a Trip

No, not a vacation. Its time to take a serious trip down memory lane. Don't censor this trip, you need to remember more than just the good times, specifically the last few weeks before he left. You want look at his odd behaviors, comments and demeanor. What we tend to forget after they have been gone is that the last few weeks or months have been horrible. Your intuition most likely told you that something was amiss. Don't lie to yourself. You know the health of your marriage and deep down even in the aftermath you can still find a memory of what was really going on. Once you have a picture of the true health of your marriage, you can now move on to the next important steps.

I have been there. My husband left me numerous times, Sometimes he came back, sometimes I got him back and sometimes he got me back. The last time was the most important time. The time where I decided, NOT him that he should stay gone!

For more tips and steps to saving yourself, please check out my blog Stay-gone.com. There you can ask questions and read daily insights on how to save yourself and not your marriage. You are a valuable person who deserves to receive the amount of love you are willing to give.

Lilac Kirk is writer who wants to help other woman pull themselves out of the drama of unhealthy marriages and relationships.

Original article

Calling It Quits - When to Get a Divorce

When should you call it quits with your marriage? How do you know when the end has come for your marriage and you should consult a divorce attorney? What are the signs that you should call it quits on your marriage?

All marriages hit a rough patch every now and then, but it will be up to you to determine when it is time to call it quits. It may be that you can save your marriage with a little hard work and determination, but other times it might be better to move on. There is nothing to be ashamed of if it comes to this, but you don't want to hang to a marriage too long for the sake of the kids or anyone else. Here are some ways to know when it is time to call it quits.

It has Always been Difficult

Some marriages are just not meant to be. Maybe you got married too young, or are just not compatible with each other. No matter the reason, if you have had more bad than good throughout the life of your marriage, then it is time to end it.

Behavioral Problems

Another reason to consider a divorce is if your partner has behavioral problems that are unlikely to change. This may mean that they are abusive, mean or have problems with alcohol or anger. If this is the case, then you are better off ending the marriage and starting fresh.

Always at Odds

While Republicans can marry Democrats and Auburn fans will marry Alabama fans, most of the time if you have extreme opposite views, it can lead to a marriage breakdown. In addition, if your religious beliefs or sexual preferences are so at odds, your marriage may be over. These differences, however, have to reach a point where you can no longer respect or love your partner for you to give up on your marriage.

Nothing has Helped

It may be that you have gone to see a therapist or marriage counselor, but you still have the same issues and nothing has helped. If you have made repeated efforts, but the issues still remain, then it may be better to find someone else.

Afraid for your Children

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you believe that it may be harming our children in any way possible, then it is time to end it. A lot of people fear the damage that divorce can do, but staying in a bad marriage can be just as harmful.

Your Spouse is Unfaithful

While it is true that you can save a marriage after an affair, if it happens more than once, it is time to move on. At this point, your man is never going to change and no matter how many times he says he won't do it again, he will. As a result, you will be setting yourself up for more heartbreak each and every time he strays. This can be especially true if you have gone to see a counselor and he continues to cheat on you.

To find out more about how to get male attention, click Understand Men. You'll learn all the secrets to make a man Fall in Love with you.

Evangeline Harris is a dating and relationship expert. Her passion is to write informative articles for women who want to improve their love lives. Visit her site for more information.

Original article

Top 10 Things Not to Do During a Divorce

Don't spend the money you have saved.

In an effort to console their hurt, some people buy things that they really don't need. Perhaps you deserve it and everyone might agree but large spending should be avoided for about 6-12 months. You need the money you have to begin your new life. If you have to spend to make things better for yourself or your children, be cautious and make sure that it is truly going to make things better.

Don't increase your debt

The future may be uncertain as to your ability to balance your budget. Again large purchases based on future income should be avoided. Many people get into trouble counting on an increase of income or decrease in expenses that never seems to materialize. Again, the rule is 6-12 months before making any large expenditure or debt.

Don't begin a new relationship

I am sure this made you smile or swear but the complications, bad decisions, and outright confusion of having another intimate relationship while you are trying to figure out where you are during and after the divorce can be disastrous. Stay connected to friends you have and remind them that you are not interested in dating right now. Create good boundaries with the opposite sex and stay in groups of friends.

Don't refuse to go to mediation or negotiation

In the heat of emotions, many things and resources are lost. Make sure that there is someone representing your best interest and understand that most divorces contain a lot of compromise and give and take. Your situation may be different that someone else and may feel you have more leverage but again, let the person representing your best interest help and then be flexible but firm.

Don't ignore your emotions

This is very serious. Allow yourself the freedom to feel and express your emotions. Surround yourself with those who are supportive and helpful. Understand that there is grief in any loss or change. Identify, develop skills to cope, and see your doctor and a therapist to help you process the feelings you are going through. Many of my clients have expressed their appreciation for the support as they journeyed into the unfamiliar territory of divorce.

Don't forget that every divorce is different

Everyone has a different story and there is no shortage of advice giving and comparisons that happen when you get a divorce. The fact is, no two divorces are the same. You have unique circumstances to your situation and those that compare divorces simply put more stress on the situation than is necessary. Listen to advice from a variety of sources and weigh them by talking to someone NOT emotionally invested in your circumstances before you make decisions.

Don't discuss details about the divorce with your children

Despite the age of your children, do not use them as your sounding board or therapist. They are still children and simple and honest explanations are the best. Do not couch your disdain for your ex in "honesty". Many times, people explain they are "just being honest" as a way to disguise their vitriol in the situation. Your children will have a significant adjustment to make and no matter what your explanation is they will have some emotional adjustment to their new life. Do not compound this difficulty with detrimental exposes of your ex. Your attempts to vilify your ex may backfire and at least will prolong the effects of your divorce on your children.

Don't ask your kids what your ex is doing

You really don't have to ask. Kids will often nonchalantly talk about what your ex is doing. It will be at these times that you will have to fight yourself to keep from asking more probing questions. Doing so will create more anxiety in your own life and perhaps emotional difficulties. The best thing you can do is to make sure that your ex and you are on the same page for parenting and communicate your concerns directly to them rather than use your children as messengers. Don't ever put children in the middle of your divorce.

Don't forget to take care of yourself

Many people forget to take care of themselves in times of stress and grief. Much of what is going to happen will take its toll on you emotionally and physically. The times when you can focus on your health, both physically and emotionally, will give you the strength to deal with the stress of divorce. Take the time for YOU. Even though the demands for your time will come from your children and others, you need to focus on taking time for yourself. What you do is up to you but you know what things will bring an "aha" moment or a sigh of relief and relaxation.

Don't get bitter

Someone once told me that the difficult and traumatic things in your life will serve to make you either "Better" or "Bitter". While it is sometimes easy to get bitter about the way we have been treated and remain that way, it does not serve us in the long run as we try to be happy and productive. If we begin to look at how the bad things in life can serve to teach us and learn from our experiences, we will have a tendency to stay away from the bitter. Bitterness that remains infects many aspects of our life and often prevents people from growing, moving forward, and positively influencing our self and others.

One of the best things you CAN do is see a therapist or life coach. Getting guidance, direction and support from someone who is not emotionally involved can be a huge help during this difficult time. Arizona Family Therapy and Life Coaching has a professional staff that cares about your needs and can help you find your way quickly and successfully.

Harry S. Cole Jr., LMFT, is an interactive, solution-focused family therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. More information on this unique wellness approach can be found at http://www.familytalkaz.com/.

Original article

Is Your Ex Spouse Still In The House? Former Mates Who Cohabitate

Some people have to go home to their parents in tough economic times but can you imagine sharing a house with your ex-spouse?

"Definitely I blame the economy," growls a cantankerous Al Goodwin as he collapses in a barstool after a long day at his Seattle construction site. The gritty 52 year old foreman pulls no punches as he complains about another a growing irony: Former Mates Who Cohabitate.

Since the collapse of the US economy, many divorced couples found it necessary to continue to share a mortgage. Recessions, layoffs and "being just plain broke have practically made it impossible to relocate. And what if I did move?" Al demands. "Where in the world would I go? I'm underwater on that house and I'd suffocate under more debt and more damage to my kid's financial future." Los Angeles based marriage therapist Cindy McCorkran, LMFT, agrees that doing more financial damage wouldn't solve the crisis. "If you have two people who agree to disagree, what's the harm? If they're in the same boat together so there's more willingness to harmonize if both their assets are on the line."

Kids?
There's a reasonable expectation that someone will move out sometime during a divorce so if both parents are divorced but still live together? "That's a lot to explain" agrees Louis Cavanaugh, Ph.D., a relationship specialist in Las Vegas. "Just think: you break the inevitable news and boom! You two are still sharing the same roof. It can certainly confuse children if they aren't old or mature enough to understand. It's a little disconcerting, to say the least, to explain to your children in the first place that you're getting divorced but the financial impact can be more devastating. If you can work it out so you can get on your feet as soon as possible it may make it easier on your kids."

Financial Implications
The phenomenon of former mates who cohabitate is relatively recent. Nevertheless, it may be instrumental in uniting former combative cohorts. For example, if you're under the gun to share space and get along, at least you're doing it with the proverbial devil you know. Now you have very little choice: it's tantamount to moving home with your parents with your tail between your legs.

Is Reconciliation a Potential Result?
The jury's out on that one. "But I have counseled divorced cohabitants who are considering reconciling since they've managed to survive this kind of storm. In a strange way, it's brought cantankerous people to a better understanding," says Cindy.

Kristina Diener, PsyD, FAAETS, SAP is a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma related to divorce and assault. Contact Kristina at kdienerpsyd@pacbell.net or visit http://www.kristinadiener.com/.

Original article

Helping Children Through the Holidays After the Divorce

When Mom and Dad divorce their children are faced with many life changes. As loving and concerned parents we try to minimize the pain and reduce the chaos brought about by new routines and schedules. We also try to focus on making this new chapter in life as positive and supportive as possible for everyone in the family.

One of the toughest transitions for children is often coping with the first holiday season. Our challenge as parents is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. Here are some suggestions on how to help your children through the holiday season in the best possible spirits.

• Show compassion:

Talk to your children about the holidays. Listen, rather than lecture, and let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations. Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and be understanding. Be aware that some children will hold their feelings in as an attempt to protect you. Reassure them that it's okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience this year.

Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations so they understand that much of life continues in the same way, despite divorce.

• Model Responsible Behavior With Your Ex:

Studies show that children whose divorced parents get along with one another adapt more easily to the divorce. So talk to your ex about giving your children a happy holiday season in every possible way. If you can both spend some family time together with the children, without discord, they will appreciate your efforts. If you can't, at least strive to make the drop-off experience peaceful and harmonious. Never bad-mouth your ex to the children, make them your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent's home. Model your best, most respectful and mature interactions with your ex in front of your children so they can enjoy their childhood, especially at this time of year.

• Start Creating Wonderful New Memories:

This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will give your children something to look forward to. By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again for them. And if they do the same in their other parent's home, they can enjoy an even fuller experience of celebrating the holidays.

By acknowledging your children's feelings with compassion while offering them new options for keeping the holidays special, you are giving your children an important gift: the love and support they need to overcome the challenges of being a child of divorce.

Recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a divorce coach and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network where you can get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting as well as her free weekly ezine, blog, useful articles, valuable divorce resources, coaching and other services for creating a child-centered divorce.

Original article

The Best Way to Support a Friend Through Their Divorce

Divorce is nowadays such a frequent occurrence that many of us are going to find ourselves needing to be supportive of a friend who is struggling to come to terms with their breakup. We may be in the unfortunate situation of needing some support ourselves.

Everyone is different and each of us experience loss and hurt in our own way. For some people they may be devastated that the love of their life has left them. Others may be relieved that their loveless ordeal is finally over. For some the breakup may mean public humiliation or financial hardship. There are many personal considerations that are unique to each situation.

Friendships can be severely tested when one person is dealing with the trauma of a breakup. They may become preoccupied, bitter, distraught as well as having many practical matters that take time and drain their emotional energy. Emotions often run high, tension can seem to be constant factor and it can feel like a never-ending crisis. It can be especially hard if you have been friends with both parties or appreciate the other person's point of view.

Let's look at some ways you can help a friend through their divorce.

- Listen. Sometimes it is important to let your friend have their say. They may need to vent and get things off their chest. People often feel better for simply having verbalized their distress. You may need to nothing except listen.

- Call time on the talking. If a friend becomes obsessed or preoccupied with their ex and constantly repeats old grievances over and over again, there can come a time when it is important to introduce other topics into the conversation. This does not disrespect their hurt. It simply allows them and you to have a break from the relentless hurt and pain and start to become more receptive to outside life.

- Encourage them to try counselling and hypnotherapy. If you feel that your friend has issues or bad habits that have been a factor in the divorce it can help to suggest that they address those problem areas. Counselling and hypnotherapy can help them start to resolve those areas, improve their understanding of the situation and have better prospects in any future relationships they may envisage.

- Try not to take sides. Being supportive and empathising with you friend is important but joining in and fuelling the situation is of no benefit to anyone. It may simply succeed in prolonging the anger.

- Consider the children. If your friend has custody of the children they may need help with entertaining them if they are unused to being with them alone. Fathers often find that having the children for set visitation periods is quite stressful at first. They want to make the times together as fun as possible but are inexperienced at entertaining the children alone and struggle with such an artificial situation. Mothers may need additional babysitting support at times, especially if they need to start working or want to go out for an occasional evening.

- Encourage good habits. When a person is distressed they may forget to take proper care of themselves. Encourage them to shop, eat, wash, sleep. It may help to invite them to stay with you for a little while if you are in a position to do so. Try to discourage excessive alcohol consumption. Alcohol is a depressant and can become a bad habit when a person is feeling low.

- Give support to outside interests. Healthy outside interests like sport, volunteer work, interests that include other people can be an important distraction. Often divorce gives people more free time which can mean more time to think and feel miserable.

Supporting a friend through their divorce can be an intensive time and quite draining. The phrase 'start as you mean to go on' can be useful to remember. In the initial days a person may need a lot of support, but as time goes on encourage them to become more independent, involve other friends and interests. That way you support a more positive basis for your friendship that respects both your lifestyles.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

Further help, advice and articles are available.

For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net/

Original article

Your Own Perfectly Horrible Thing

On one of those lovely sunny evenings in the Pacific Northwest, a girlfriend and I enjoyed supper before dashing off to a concert together. Although I'd known Nancy for a couple of years, I was only familiar with her role as a teacher and PhD student in an exotic European travel program. As we munched on crusty home-baked bread, veggies and raw pesto dip, she spoke about her kids and two-decade long marriage that was just now ending in divorce.

I empathized and said, "You have your very own perfectly horrible thing."

The words resonated with Nancy and she smiled as she repeated them.

"These events we live through are genuinely awful," I said citing a challenging divorce where people can go seemingly nuts once money is on the table, or in another situation, witnessing your home destroyed by fire.

"A colleague at work shared how one of his family members had barely escaped the firestorm in Los Angeles a couple years ago. Although his wife and sons dashed from the fierce rolling waves of fire, all that they owned was enveloped in the flames. He shared a pic of the impeding wall of fire as they sprinted down the street, and believe me it was terrifying."

Extreme Provocations

We can list a myriad of horrific events: a devastating war-the Gulf, Sudan, Vietnam, WWII-and, inside each of these occurrences are thousands of separate incidents that are psychologically disturbing and destructive physically, emotionally and spiritually. We have all the recent incidents: the Gulf Oil Spill, Japan's Tsunami and the Fukushima nuclear accident still ongoing with challenges to halt radioactivity to our earth and sky. Then, add diseases like cancer, heart conditions and learning disabilities like autism to the list of personal traumas that touch our lives.

These are extreme personal provocations, and we all experience one or several during our lives-our own perfectly horrible thing that's customized just for us. Each challenge facilitates our spiritual growth, softens our hearts and most of all, enables us to be more compassionate, for others live just as we do-the gift of unity is closer within reach.

Understanding and Being Understood

When we realize that we all have our own frightful confrontations, and open up with a softer heart, this is one way we practice Steven Covey's fifth Habit of Highly Effective People that states:

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Steven often says that of all the success principles, he could teach an entire day on the fifth.1

For understanding others and being understood is one of the cardinal human needs. It underlies the five human values of peace, love, truth, right action and non-violence. It's the intimate need to be recognized, and "I am, I exist, I count" is a desire that fuses our core with the universe.

So, embrace your own horrible terrible thing, and know that it will lead you into being the more compassionate and loving you.

References
Covey, Steven. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Provo, Utah: Covey Leadership Center, Inc., 1994. Print.

Diane Carol Mark brings a personal touch to her writing from fourteen years of extensive Asian travel. In addition to writing as a career for over ten years, Diane is a professional fine artist who lives in the Pacific Northwest. Dailey Swan Publishing has scheduled her novel Gold: The Zen of Dr. Shu Li for publication in July 2012. She has studied in an Intensive Individual Writers Program with author and teacher, Tom Bird. Her editor is the renowned Paul McCarthy, New York editor of nine #1 New York Times and international bestselling authors.

See her blogs at http://oracleofthewest.com/

Original article

About Relationships: Let's Not Argue About Custody Rights

"I want to leave my marriage. Will my husband allow me access to the children when I leave him?"

This is a challenging situation because it goes against the norm. People would expect a woman to leave her marriage and by default take the children with her.

However, let us not look for right or wrong and be the judge of a situation that we are not part of.

The underlying issue in this relationship is security. She does not feel secure in the relationship. She does not feel secure outside of the relationship either. However, she does feel that she needs to leave the marriage if she is to grow and survive.

Going against the norm requires a lot of courage, because people judge very easily.

So how does she prepare herself for this big step before taking it? How does she protect her children against any potential back-lash and potential emotional upheaval?

There will be emotional upheaval anyway, and the children will experience a sense of loss. They will also experience other strong emotions such as anger and perhaps feeling abandoned.

This lady needs to first find self-love before she makes her move.

Ending a marriage often results in a feeling of failure. People often have the fantasy of a marriage "till death us do part", and if the reality looks different, it means that you have failed. The truth is that any relationship has a natural life cycle. When the relationship reaches that natural end, not recognising it and holding on to the relationship for dear life would mean failure. Not letting go would also mean daily emotional pain, especially if one partner moves on and the other partner holds on to the fantasy.

What difference will self-love make? It will make a world of difference for everyone.

If you can discover and recognise your "good" traits, then they will start to balance out your "bad" traits. For example, let's say this lady feels like a complete failure as a mother, because she does not have a natural mother's instinct. She wants to leave her children behind because she feels that they are better cared for by her husband.

What if this is a relief for the husband, who is frustrated by the fact that his wife does not conform to the norm? What if the husband is by nature much more caring and affectionate than her and he does not want or expect her to change?

There is a human and traditional rule that says all mothers MUST feel an instinct to take care of their young. However, we all know mothers who on the surface fulfil that role, but they are physically and emotionally cruel to their children.

Here we have a mother who wants to turn her back on tradition and follow her heart. She knows that her husband is a far better carer than she will ever be, and she is willing to leave the relationship so that she can make space for him. She is doing this in the interest of her children - which is far better than staying in the relationship, being desperately unhappy and creating a very stressful environment for the children. If she can find love of herself, she will be able to relax about her decision.

This will have an immediate positive impact on her children, because they will intuitively feel that she is all right and they do not need to be concerned about her. It will also have an impact on her marriage relationship, because it will bring clarity in a situation that must also be quite stressful for the husband.

Once she is able to accept her decision in the interest of everyone, she will be able to leave the situation without any self-blame. Her children will benefit from seeing her when she is happy, and they will be able to build up a different relationship with her with less expectation and less stress.

We also need to remember that these children as well as the husband have a soul contract with her, that they entered into before any of them were born. They are now living that soul contract. If she feels strongly enough that she needs to leave the marriage to continue with her life and only see her children occasionally, then is that not far better than remaining in a situation that is highly stressful?

Would the people who stand ready to judge her rather see her destroying herself with an addiction that is far more destructive for her, her husband and her children?

Love does not necessarily mean living under the same roof. Love means accepting and loving yourself, so that you have love to give to others.

Elsabe Smit is the Intuition Coach. She helps people who lack vision, clarity and purpose to remove blocks, develop their intuition and achieve their goals. What is consuming your energy? Visit http://www.theintuitioncoach.com/ for a free New Start Quiz.

Original article