Is the conflict between you and your ex high conflict, or more of a tense, uncomfortable, defensive feeling every time you have to interact with him or her? Not only is conflict exhausting and emotionally draining, it is not healthy for you or your kids.
When one or both parents choose to engage in negative behavior in front of their kids, it is self-indulgent and self-destructive. It is not your children's fault that you and your ex decided to divorce. Your children do not want to be put in the middle of your conflict with your ex, I applaud you for seeking solutions to co-parenting without conflict.
When parents divorce, no matter what, your children's best interest must come first. Your children have one biological mom and one biological dad. They see themselves as part or their mom and part of their dad. When your children see you and/or your ex in a negative light, they assume that negative behavior is part of who they are, too.
As a parent, you need to take the High Road and make sacrifices for your children. Regardless of the other parent, you can only be responsible for your actions, choices and words. So, let's assume that you are a loving, caring parent that wants to do what is best for your children. You are frustrated and exhausted from trying to co-parent with your ex, he or she may be angry, wanting to leverage the kids to try and "win," always negative, degrading or demeaning to you. It could be that sometimes he or she is nice and the next minute un-co-operative. Maybe it is the unpredictable, not knowing what to expect each time you interact with your ex that keeps you on edge.
Let's focus on what you can do to take the High Road and be an effective co-parent:
1. Choose not to burden your children with issues and circumstances that they cannot control.
2. Choose to put your personal feelings about your ex aside and refuse to bad mouth him/her or engage in negative communication with him/her in front of your children. This includes not bad mouthing your ex with family or friends when your children are present, or might hear, see or learn about the comments.
3. Not to allow your children to speak poorly of the other parent.
4. Set boundaries. Decide you will not engage in negative communication or behavior with your ex. Simply let him/her know that you will not discuss the matter at this time, in front of the children. If the children are not present, you can let him/her know that they can send you an email, providing it concerns a decision to be made about the children.
Communicating through email dilutes the emotion. When responding to emails, only respond to the specific issues concerning the children and ignore irrelevant comments or accusations. Keep your responses diplomatic, to the point, without judgment or criticism. As tempting as it may be to defend yourself or set the record straight, stick to the details of the decision at hand.
5. Try to sit down with your ex, putting all differences aside, and create a plan (prepare an agenda of what you will discuss) that focuses on meeting the needs of your children. I would suggest asking a neutral party to be present to keep you focused on the plan, and offer an objective view or opinion.
If you have issues with the way parenting is going, this would be a time to discuss those issues, staying focused on the kids best interest, using "I" statements and not "You" statements. Be prepared to give valid reasons to support your point of view. Be open to listening to your exes point of view. You both may have different views and that doesn't mean that one of you is right and the other one is wrong. This is not about winning.
Just like with your kids, you need to choose your battles with your ex. Determine which parenting issues are most important to you, where you can bend or compromise, and the ones you are willing to let go.
6. As part of your plan, discuss boundaries for your new relationship as co-parents. This is something divorced couples often fail to do, transition into a co-parenting relationship. What do you want your relationship as co-parents to be, or look like?
7. Realize that how you interact with your ex is teaching your children how to act in difficult relationships. Treat your ex how you would like them to treat you. Remember that your kids are watching and learning from you. What do you want them to learn about stressed relationships and how to handle them?
Children should never be put in the position to handle adult issues. They are not capable or ready to understand or deal with adult problems. Choose the High Road and your children will respect you and love you for it.
Copyright 2011 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.
If you are a divorcing or divorced parent who is stressed with all the changes in life, the challenges of single parenting and worried about the impact of divorce on your children, visit us at http://www.divorcedparenttelesummit.com/ Our aim is to empower and guide divorced parents to be wise and confident as they provide a sense of peace and security to their children.