Studies have suggested that we need to embrace the possibility of distrust, disappointment and even betrayal as an integral part of trust. Trust is not without risk. A divorce can evaporate our trust in everyone and that makes life really hard because we feel isolated.
So how does this effect divorce survival and recovery? At the level of survival we need to recognize that trust is a composite of many values or traits such as reliability, authenticity, respect, compassion and integrity. When we see these qualities in another it may be reasonable to trust them at least to some extent. Time will tell. I believe that most people really try to be worthy of trust. Some aren't trust worthy by nature. What you can trust is that people will always do what they think is in their best interest.
On the recovery side unless you want to be alone and have only causal relationships you have to open your heart becoming somewhat vulnerable again. If we don't take a risk then we don't have a chance to get the reward. When we are willing and strong enough to risk we need to allow for the possibility of an unpleasant outcome. We do this with the hope that there will be a rewarding or promising ending. Some definitions of trust suggest that it is the "social glue" that hold relationships together. I have some doubts about this and believe that trust is a social skill much like emotional intelligence. Trusting is something we do by choice and we are responsible for making a personal commitment with a goal or condition in mind.
Trust is built over time, through association and starts with small disclosures with which we test the reactions of others. We then measure whether they seem to be reliable and honest in nature and we see enough in them to feel safe to share and open with the conviction that they will meet our expectations. What is sometimes overlooked is that if we don't trust ourselves it is very hard to trust anyone else.
If we lack good self-esteem or lack confidence in ourselves we will likely have trust issues. What we feel on the inside we see on the outside. To develop trust in ourselves we need to have faith and belief in our thinking process and judgment. That may mean some change in our belief system is required. In addition we need to trust our emotions and our capacity to control our moods and reactions. Once you know what's needed you can start moving toward it.
"When we trust ourselves or risk trusting in another, doors open. It's up to us to make sure that the door that opens isn't to an empty elevator shaft". Howard Williams
Most of my working life has been involved in helping people in crisis and life transitions. I started as a street cop where I learned to deal calmly with difficult and explosive situations. After graduating from college I left the PD and went to the largest independent insurance adjusting company in the world. Along the way I spent 6 years as a shift supervisor with a large crisis center handling suicides, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol issues, rape, incest and people with codependency issues. In 1999 I completed a 2 year program to be a life coach and specialize in crisis issues like divorce.
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